(Closed) Not Living Together Before Marriage

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

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ChrissyMary9515:  

I would say do what works best for you. Maybe I missed it though, but how does living apart save you money? Just curious.

Personally, DH and I lived together before marriage and it worked for us. I wouldn’t say you have to do it though. But if you are having thoughts about it, I would suggest talking with your Fiance and see what he is thinking.

Post # 4
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I insisted on waiting till after engagement but to me its mandatory. It doesn’t matter how many vacays or weekends- that’s your best behavior. That’s with time off to recharge. Theres no substitute for living together before you sign your life away. Especially if you aren’t 100% religiously convicted- live together before marriage.

Post # 5
Member
1814 posts
Buzzing bee

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ChrissyMary9515:  

You have to do whatever works for you two however I will say the milestone of my SO and I moving into together has been super enlightening and added a lot of needed depth to the relationship. I love being able to come home from work to see my bestfriend everyday waiting for me. Plus for us personally it has saved us money from our previous residences being able to split up bills and rent but we made sure to find a place we could afford with no worries. 

Post # 6
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

Move in together when it’s the right time for you, not based on any one event’s timing! There are benefits to both living together and waiting (FI and I already live together) but if you’re open to it I would suggest moving in together at least a few weeks before the wedding, I can’t imagine trying to combine households right when it’s wedding crunch time and all the little details are hitting you. Moving is chaotic and stressful enough on it’s own without being distracted by other things. And at least for us, living together is cheaper since we’re not paying for an extra apartment with nobody living in it half the time.

Post # 7
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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ChrissyMary9515:  Have you each lived on your own before or have you always been with your parents (or in a dorm)? I think each thing adds a layer of difficulty. It his hard to adjust to living on your own, especially when you are also adjisting to living together. Not to say that means you are doomed, but each step is hard and takes time to adjust and combining three into one (moving out, moving in, getting married) will be a lot and a lot of stress.

Post # 8
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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MrsBuesleBee:  +1000!

You never truly know someone until you’ve lived together. Then you see the quirks and habits that might just drive you nuts lol. Been living with my fiance since July 2013, getting married in March and I have zero doubts 🙂

Post # 9
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

We didn’t live together before marriage, and had no difficulty in adjusting to life together after marriage.  I had been on my own for a long time, and lived with a lot of other roommates before my husband, and I can honestly say that he was by far the easiest to adjust to living with!  That said, I think a related hurdle would be living at home versus on your own.  Some people are used to their parents doing many things for them while at home, while others operate quite independently, so your respective levels of personal responsibility might be what are worth focusing on as you contemplate what married life will be like.  (For example, if both of you cook and clean now, you’ll likely have no trouble continuing that, whereas if only one of you is used to doing that, you would want to work through your expectations of how chores will be divided in the future.)

Overall, no, you aren’t doomed.

Post # 10
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee

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ChrissyMary9515:  I have never been in your situation, my Fiance and I started living at each other’s place after a few weeks and moved in together after 5 months. To many people, we were rushing things, but we had discussed so much before, just like you did, so the transition went really smoothly. There is always a time where you need to adjust at first, but it doesn’t mean it will end up in arguing. I don’t think you’re doomed. I think you both sound ready. 

Post # 11
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see a problem with waiting until you’re married!  I know that’s not the norm nowadays, even my mother disagrees with me but really, the reasons “to test the waters” is ridiculous to me. 

To me, you’re marrying a person for life. Through good and bad, thick and thin. Things about ‘he never puts down the toilet seat, she never close the toothpaste cap’ as annoying things about partners then the quarrels and then the ‘I cannot deal with this’, only proves that they’re not ready for marriage. 

If 2 people cannot deal with habits as husband and wife, how are they going to deal with the bigger, tougher things that will come in the future?

I personally waited until we were engaged to move in to our new house! and because we are LDR, when I’m over in his country, I live in our house and when he is over in my country, he lives with me. Before engagement, he hadn’t moved out of his parents place and I stayed there whenever I flew over.

Post # 14
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i think it sounds like you guys know each others’ habits pretty well, so i don’t think living together will suddenly make you see each other differently. there is definitely an adjustment when you start living together, but it’s pretty much just growing pains. we transitioned kind of like you guys (spending weekends together, random nights during the week, etc) before we lived together once we got engaged. it was pretty smooth, definitely some arguments about how much quality time we needed to spend together (DH thought that being in the same room was adequate, i needed more interaction to feel connected), but overall it wasn’t too bad. i do have the same question as a PP as whether you have lived on your own before? that was the main thing for me- figuring out who is going to call the landlord/hire someone if you have problems, who is going to pay the bills, etc. i didn’t know that it was going to be ME who has to do those things, but now i’ve accepted it. DH is just too passive and i have to be the aggressive one, but it isn’t a dealbreaker for me.

also, i was glad we didn’t have to deal with moving right around the wedding, so if i were you i would try to plan it well before the wedding even if just one of you lives there until the wedding.

Post # 15
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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ChrissyMary9515:  Not even touching on the not living together, but I would def 100% suggest moving out on your own before marriage…Its a lot different than living with your parents no matter how self sufficient you are.

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