(Closed) Not living together before marriage

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I was seriously just having this conversation with a friend who was asking the same thing. My husband and I had been together for 6 years before we got married and after we were married we moved into an apartment together. I agree with HippyBunniesinLove:  when she said ” I think its slightly silly to think that moving in before/after marriage has any real bearing on the happiness or success of your relationship.”  Very true my friend, very true!

 

Post # 17
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am so proud of the stand you took to wait until marriage before living together! Not many people do that now a days, but I think you are right that things may have gone downhill had you moved in together before. Not because y’all might not have been meant for each other mind you, but because it is an unclean way of living and when you do somethig wrong like that, other things accompany it. i think in a lot of cases people who move in together don’t get married for many years, because “what’a the hurry”?? they are already getting to do everything a married couple gets to. Except that in that particular instance they are living in fornication. I’m so happy to hear you both made the right choice by waiting and that the transition was a smooth one. 

Post # 18
Member
1983 posts
Buzzing bee

We dated for four years before we got married. Moved in the night of our wedding (or six was already moved in and Darling Husband had been living there for a month). I wouldn’t change a thing. 🙂

Post # 19
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

Kld37:  We moved in together 4 months after dating and got married 9 months later.  However, I completely understand the waiting.  I haven’t been on the other side of the spectrum and like hearing about it.  I’m glad it worked out for you.  A few of my family members did that and prefered it over moving in before hand.

Post # 21
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Though I was for all intents and purposes living with my husband 3 months before we got married (engaged for a year), I didn’t officially move in until after. Absolutely nothing in our relationship changed, except that it’s even better! Exactly as I expected. However, I would have been perfectly fine living together after engagement, and would have done so if circumstances permitted. 

Post # 22
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Meh, living together before marriage is a personal thing and couples should do what works best for them. There is not a universally right or wrong choice. In my social circle, I do not know ANY married couples (in my generation) that waited until marriage to move in together. 

Post # 23
Member
9286 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Noble3:  

Post # 24
Member
9059 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Ever since I read that poor bee’s story about how she discovered her new husband, who she hadn’t lived with before marriage, had a fetish for wearing and using diapers I would never ever not live with someone before marriage. After the wedding is way too late to find that kind of shit out.

Post # 25
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Kld37:  We moved in together because we wanted to live togehter–plain and simple. I don’t necessarily believe that marriage is this magical line you cross over where your entire life becomes transformed. We wanted to live together well before I even began thinking of getting married. I knew we would be spending our entire lives together and I truly enjoy living with my Fiance. To me, there is nothing better to come home to after a crushing day of work than his smiling face. This is what works for us. Our “transition” didn’t even feel like a transistion. We had been spending so much time together at his house or my house to begin with that officially moving in didn’t feel any different than what we were doing already. 

Congrats to you for not living together before marriage, but for many, many people there is lifelong commitment in a relationship well before marriage. I don’t need to hurry up and get married just to know my Fiance is committed to me for life. I knew that six months into our relationship. Once again, I’ll reiterate that marriage is not a magical transformation. I firmly believe you can be “married in your heart” but not on paper, and I seem absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

Post # 26
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Noble3:  Are you for real? I must admit your post made my fornicatin’ heart do a little pitter patter of happiness. 

Post # 27
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

I would be SO hesitant to marry someone I hadn’t lived with! The idea is just terrifying to me. There’s so much you learn about a person from living together that you just don’t know from staying over. My Fiance and I had a pretty rocky transition (he likes to be together all the time, I like to be alone for large chunks of time) and it would have been horrible to go through that after the wedding instead of two years before.

Post # 28
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

j_jaye:  There was just a Bee a few weeks ago who discovered her new husband was an alcoholic (something he’d been able to hide because they’d never lived together). Eek!

Post # 30
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

Kld37:  Just to clarify, are you saying that people who live together before marriage and then get married don’t have as strong as a commitment? Or only those in the cohabitation phase don’t have as much of a commitment as those who are married?

Your opinion is yours to be had, but I would caution you from being overly judgmental. It’s fine that you wouldn’t do it personally, but there are lots of long term cohabitators on this board who will differ in opinion. Many of them (myself included before marriage) have been committed to their partners long than many people stay married. You might think it’s just easier to walk away when you aren’t married, but the fact is people walk away from marriages all time. Sure, the legal process can be messier, but once you have built a life with someone for 5, 10, 15+ years, it can be just as messy.

Having a legal document does not in any way guarantee both people will stay together forever. That just provides legal protections to some degree. The commitment comes from personal character, their values and their actions. One would be foolish to think that signing a paper makes someone more committed by default.

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