(Closed) Not living together before you’re married…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you live with your husband/fiance/SO before you were married?
    yes (but we were engaged) : (30 votes)
    16 %
    yes (not engaged at the time) : (100 votes)
    54 %
    no (because we wanted to wait to live together until we were married) : (45 votes)
    24 %
    no (other- please explain below!) : (11 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    3182 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I am very happy that we are living together, but I think both ways can work out just fine.  I can’t imagine marrying someone I hadn’t lived with but that’s me. Like you said, there will be surprises, but they won’t all be bad.  I think what most people learn about each other (and fight about) when they live together is cleanliness and distribution of chores.  Take a look at how these issues are handled when you are together, and maybe sit down and talk to him about how these things will be handled.  In addition to the finances of course.  

    Post # 4
    2063 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I will give you the same advice I gave my younger sister. While I do wish that in some respects of my life I had done things a bit more traditionally, I have learned a lot of lessons from doing things differently than my parents would have liked. I do not regret moving in with my fiance.

    I moved with him before we were engaged and it was a huge learning experience. There are lots of little things you don’t think about, sure – I had no idea he liked to leave the door open to the bathroom. But, there are bigger things when it comes to living with someone that could be a huge concern for newlyweds – I also didn’t know that after he comes home from work he likes to lock himself in the study and finish up the day before doin anything else, which has been a big cause for fights and concern for various reasons. I also didn’t know he never had any experience tracking a checking account.

    I don’t think that living together is a MUST, but I do think that if you do not spend any time living together before the marriage, it would stink to look back on it (like I did with my first husband) and say “If only I would have known that he didn’t go to bed until 2am everynight because he liked to stay up and drink….”

    Post # 5
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I am extremely happy that we are living together. It works for the both of us. I don’t think I would ever want it the other way around. I need to fully know the person that I’m marrying and I learn things about him every day.

    Post # 6
    2214 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I won’t live with my SO until after we’re married, but not because either of us is opposed to it, circumstances just prohibit it.  We would actually prefer to live together.  We met in law school and lived in the same city for the first year we were together.  Then I got an amazing job 2 hours away while he finishes school. I moved to the city where my job is, and we just see each other every weekend now. He has a year and a half left of school, and I have a year and a half left of my job (it’s a 2-year position).  After that, we’ll be relocating somewhere together, but since I would like to get married August 2013, and that’s the earliest we can move in together, then we won’t live together until we’re married.  Also, all of this is assuming he proposes this year, which I believe we will, but we’ll see. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 7
    707 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Fiance and I will have lived together for 2 years in June and we just got engaged in December. I am VERY glad we lived together before getting married. The majority of our arguments are over things that happen around our house (he’s a slob hehe) and I’m glad I know ahead of time how he is rather than after getting married and thinking “oh no, what did I get myself into?”

    Post # 8
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Darling Husband and I moved in together 3 months before the wedding (we were engaged at the time) and I wouldn’t change it.  It was really nice to be already settled in together so that once we got back from the honeymoon, we could just right in to married life.

    That said, I don’t think we would have moved in together if we’d already lived in the same city.  We both relocated 3 months before the wedding to a new city where we didn’t know anyone so it didn’t make sense (logically or financially) for us to get 2 separate places for 3 months.

    Post # 9
    408 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I once read that statistically speaking, people who don’t live together before marriage have a lower divorce rate than those who do. I divorced my first husband, we lived together before marriage/engagement. Now I’m engaged again and we lived together beforehand too, but I think it depends on each person. It was a huge change for us because I moved 9 hours to live WITH FH (and I brought a child into this, my now 3 year old…who was 1 at the time) so as PP said…we learned a lot about how we handled things separately and together and a lot of changes/compromises were made. And of course…the blessed finances lol ๐Ÿ™‚ But I don’t think one way is necessarily better than the other–all depend on the people involved ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 10
    11390 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    My husband & I moved in together 9 months before our wedding. We was already engaged but had not set a date yet for our wedding. We was tired of waiting until we could afford the wedding so we got our own apartment & I don’t regret it one bit!

    Post # 11
    3482 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I left for grad school in the UK for a year a few months after Darling Husband and I got engaged, When I came home, we moved in together immediately (wedding was still a year and five months away at that point) because it made sense for both of us financially and because frankly we couldn’t stand spending another minute apart!

    I don’t regret it one bit. Getting used to living together was pretty easy for us, I don’t think it would have been anything more special if we had waited until we were married. Heck, Darling Husband spent so much time over at my apartment before I moved away that we were practically living together then.

    Post # 12
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    We are waiting until after we are married to live together, we didnt plan it that way… it just happened, but we have been togther for almost 6 years, but we are fairly young so we were not in any rush! But, as much as it doesn’t make sense to me studies show that people who do not cohabitate before marriage have lower divorce rates (I have a BA in Psychology and I am getting a Masters in marriage family therapy). to be clear I am by no means saying that the majority of the world that lives togther before marriage will not have as good of a marriage, I really beleive the success of a marriage is in the effort put in but, the studies dont lie lol!! I am glad we are not moving in until we are married… it is gonna make it fun, but I do not believe we will have a better marriage simply because we waited to move in togther lol So long story short you guys will be fine if you have been together for 5 years I am sure you are will to deal with all the surprises that will come along with living together, just remember to always COMMUNICATE well!

    Post # 13
    1271 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I have two small children, so I was adament that we not live together before we are married.  I think it is too confusing for the kids and, as they get older, sends the wrong message.

    That being said, now that we are engaged and the wedding is less than six months away, we have been discussing him beginning the moving process.  Moving in will require him to get a new job, so we have decided that he will start applying now and move when he gets a job or after the wedding, whichever comes first.  In this economy, we think it would be short-sighted for him to delay the job search until summer. 

    That being said, I secretly hope that it all works out perfectly (e.g. he gets a new job in June and starts right after the wedding).  ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Post # 14
    5654 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Darling Husband and I didn’t live together or have sleep overs before we were married and I’m glad we did it that way. DS did have occassional “guys night” sleep overs with Darling Husband and his roomate & I would get ready for functions over there and such, but we really kept that part of our relationship for after the I Do’s.

    We’ve been married for 9 months, almost 10, and the transition was great! We haven’t had any real “surprises” or anything like that and I’d imagine with how long your relationship has been you wouldn’t either…. I’m sure you both already kinda know each others tendencies about things & so you wouldn’t be blind-sided or anything like that.

    I think it’s awesome that your Fiance is the one that really wanted to wait on that part b/c it just isn’t the norm anymore.

    My final thought about it all is: It really doesn’t matter how compatible you both are, how long you’ve lived together OR haven’t lived together, making things work in harmony is ALL a choice b/c you could be the most compatible couple in the world and you’ll STILL have days where for no reason at all you just don’t like them that much…. then you get to just decide to love (action word) them anyways. lol

    Post # 15
    5667 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged and I wouldn’t change it at all. It’s the perfect situation for us.

    Post # 16
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    After 3 years together I suggested that maybe we consider moving in together. Months later I got a ring instead. LOL! I made it very clear I was not asking for a proposal but it was his decision. He wanted to be a little traditional; so now we will wait until a couple of months before the wedding to move in together.  After some thought and staring at the beauty on my finger I think he made the right decision. Laughing

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