Post # 1
Hi everyone, this is my FIRST post but this issue is really weighing on me. This is the situation:
My mother has already informed me (before I even MET my FI) that she would not attend any more weddings for her children. (she has 9 kids) I don’t know why. I didn’t get into it with her. I was hurt when she told me this. To make matters even worse my father passed away 2 1/2 years ago and he will not be there to walk me down the aisle. Also, I have very few people to even invite, maybe 5 or 6. My friends are all out of state and most likely will not attend. I want a nice wedding (second marriage here, first wedding was in Vegas) and me and the Fiance decided only to have about 50 people there but it is hard for me to be excited or even look forward to it as of right now. I don’t even have a Maid/Matron of Honor. Help, any advice or encouragement.
P.S. I love my Fiance with all my heart and can’t wait to be his wife, I am just not looking forward to the wedding part. Confused about maybe skipping it and just doing JOP? Thanks in advance for any advice or encouragement.
Post # 3
@realtreegal: I can sort of relate. I too don’t have my father to walk me down the aisle (have never had him in my life.) so I will be having one of my uncles, if not both do it 🙂 I also only have about 5 friends! and the other 30 or so people going are on my FI’s side of the fam and friends lol. My family isn’t really that involved in my wedding plans either when I bring anything up about my wedding, they act like they’re not interested. and my grandmother (who is pretty much like my mother) has told me a few times she wasn’t really into going. Which DEFINITELY hurt my feelings when she said it. I have no idea why she would say it, but she has. The only reason I can think of is that I’m the FIRST person out of my mom and my uncles, to get married. Even my grandmother had a shotgun courthouse wedding. So she’s always telling me “I didn’t have to deal with this crap for my wedding so I have no idea.” I feel like it stems from some jealousy or something since I’m the first to have a real wedding. She also tells me weddings are like funerals. Thanks grandma. Anyways, finally I stopped letting it hurt my feelings and told them all one day “well I don’t really care who goes. If Fiance is there, then I’m happy and NOTHING is going to ruin that.” Since I stood my ground a little they’ve been involved a little more. And I know they will go. They already stated they won’t be sticking around for my reception though and have already complained about the time I’m getting married. But whatever. DON’T LET ANYONE DRAG YOU DOWN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!!! If they don’t show, they don’t show. They have to live with it, you don’t. And btw, my Maid/Matron of Honor will be my FI’s sister. It will all work out 🙂 keep your head up!!
Post # 4
@FutureMrsPitch: I sure try to be excited and at times I really am but overall I just keep going back to who WON’T be there. I haven’t talked to the Fiance about this yet but I want him to know it is killing me inside. He leaves for Texas on Sunday and will be gone for a month. I will wait until he gets back. Maybe by then I will feel better since while he is gone I am going to be looking at dresses. At least I know there are other people who relate to this issue. Thank you for your reply 🙂
Post # 5
If I wasn’t excited about my wedding I would most certainly elope. At the end of the day it is about you and your Fiance and you both should be happy and excited about it.
Post # 6
Wow, this kind of makes me feel better too. I have a lot of friends who have let me down over the years, and I feel weird about not inviting them because they still act like we’re friends, but really I don’t think I want them to be there, so I really only have a few friends coming too. I guess only having a few friends is pretty normal!
I’m really sorry your families are not into weddings. @realtreegal , if your parents aren’t going to be there, maybe there is a family member who you can honor with duties that are typically for parents, such as walking you down the aisle, etc. I know that can’t fill your parents shoes but maybe it could help you to have a great day.
Post # 7
Let me get this straight: You’re not asking her to pay, and you’re not asking her to help plan.
She won’t even SHOW UP?! WTF?
If she’s handicapped or bedridden, that’s one thing, but if not, I’d be tempted to make a similar vow about Christmas, Thanksgiving and Mother’s Day. That’s just not right.
I don’t know too much about Arizona, but I know there are some beautiful places to get married in Santa Fe if you do decide to elope.
Post # 8
I don’t really understand why she just won’t go? That’s really odd.
Sorry you have to deal with this, you never know, maybe your friends who are out of state will be able to make it…it is a year away!
Post # 9
Ok, before everyone goes crazy on OP’s mother, take a step back. She made the statement years ago, and it may have been made out of frustration – as in after dealing with a crazy stressful wedding situation, “I’m never going to go to my kid’s wedding again!”.
Ask her about it, unless you have a bad/strained relationship with her, which doesn’t really seem to be the case. I’m willing to bet she doesn’t even remember making that comment. Think about it, how many stupid comments have you made years ago that you still remember?
Talk to your fiance and see what he wants. There’s certainly nothing wrong with a courthouse ceremony and a reception at home, or at a restaurant if you want to keep things low key. But don’t cheat yourself out of a wedding that you DO want.
Post # 10
I am in a somewhat similar sitch…although my mom on the flip side is excited about coming and this is my second marriage (first wedding, never had one first time it was JOP)
I do have siblings though that are choosing not to come…I have been given reasons why but I firmly believe it has more to do with them not agreeing with it (as I have been told they have flat out said this) versus the reason I was given.
With this in mind my advice is, HAVE your day,…I know its your mom, but honestly if she chooses to miss out thats her loss, and shame on her. Its one day, whats the big deal? and its a very important day regardless of this being your first time around or not.
Focus on what the days means to you and Fiance, nothing else truly matters.
FTR…wedding planning stinks, I personally wish we had gone to Vegas lol we coul dhave had a great time with the $ we have spent ot have it here at home, but I wanted my kids there so thats why we made that choice.
Post # 11
@realtreegal: I am another one in a somewhat similar situation as you. I had a few close relatives who were supposed to be close to me complain about the inconvenience of my wedding and I grew apart from my friends and didn’t have many people to invite. Have you considered doing a fancy elopement? You can still have a dress, bouquet, champagne and a photographer, just for the two of you. This is what we’re doing and it does still make me upset sometimes that I’m missing out on the big wedding experience but it really is the next best thing and the upside is that you don’t need to worry about anyone but yourselves, it can let you have all of the little extras that you otherwise thought you couldnt afford. Good luck, hope everything works out for you and welcome to the hive 🙂
Post # 12
I really appreciate all the advice y’all. This may be my second time around but I am very traditional and I have a hard time accepting my momma won’t be there. She has said it more than once but it was a couple of years ago. I am too scared to bring it up to her again. I have thought about just giving her an invite and telling her to show or not show but not tell me. I don’t want the heart ache weighing on me while trying to plan the wedding. Me and my Fiance have not really talked much about the wedding yet other than setting a date. He leaves tomorrow and will be going out of town for work for two weeks at a time (home for three days) for 2 months. We will start planning when he gets home for good.
I do think my momma is being WAY harsh about the whole situation. I think it stems from not being able to please all of her children. I am the youngest of the 9 and she wasn’t at my first wedding (I was 21 and went to Vegas) so I really feel she needs to be here for this one.
As for other stuff, my two sons who will be 9 and 10 by the wedding, will walk me down the aisle. My daughter and step daughters (they will be 14, 15, and 18)will be I guess jr. brides maids. I still need a maid of honor I guess. I just don’t feel like anyone I know deserves that spot. If that makes sense.
Since I was a daddy’s girl I will alway be sad he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle but I need idea’s how to honor him on that day. I have seen a few but nothing yet that jumps at me. I am open to suggestions.
Post # 13
@realtreegal: Ask your groom to be to wear some jewellery of his – cufflinks, a watch, a tie clip or pin, perhaps? My grandfather won’t be there, but I will be wearing his cufflinks, and I might lend three other pairs of them to my best man and ushers to wear for the ceremony.
Post # 14
@Duncan: I don’t have anything like that. My father never worn anything like that. He was a hard workin country boy. Worked in the dirt and in the sun. Great idea but just won’t work for me 🙁
Post # 15
I had a really hard time accepting that that many people wouldn’t show up to my wedding. I had to force myself to have the mentality “it is going to be a beautiful and special day no matter who attends”. The people that show up are the people that were meant to be there, who want to honor and celebrate your love. It will be amazing no matter what.
Post # 16
You don’t have to have a wedding to get married. And you can always have a destination wedding with a few close people if anybody at all where you can go straight to the honeymoon. Or you could just go to the courthouse.
My situation is the opposite. I don’t want to get married at all (but because I love my fiance, and that’s what he wants), but if I’m going to get married then I want a wedding. It’s the only time people will pay attention to me! (I love attention, and noone has ever paid any attention to me). And to me marriage is about making a relationship official to the family and everyone else and to the government. If it’s just about the couple, I don’t see the purpose of getting married, but anyways….
I say if you don’t want a wedding, then don’t have one. Noone says you have to have a wedding just because you want to be legally married. Or have a small ceremony in some awesome destination.