Post # 1
So everybody knows how parents, even if they won’t admit it, have a favorite. My SO is not that child, and I don’t know how to handle it. He is an amazing man, while his brother(the favorite) and his wife are quite possibly the most selfish paople I have ever met in my life. Now, I’m not saying that we are the perfect couple, but we try to do right. I just don’t understand why they see him as so much of a lesser person, and it really hurts my heart to see him being treated like that. Have any of you ladies ever been in a situation like this? If you have, some advise on how to handle the situation would be much appreciated.
Post # 3
I am. My Future Brother-In-Law is somewhat selfish, a good person, but nonetheless momma’s boy, always has and always will be. Especially my Future Mother-In-Law shows a marked preferance, but that is because my Fiance doesnt let her get away with her crazyness/bratiness and Future Brother-In-Law does. I dont know what happened when they were young, but now it is because of this. There is no way to deal with it, you can’t change it. You can however understand that this probably affected your Fiance very deeply, even if you don’t see it or he doesn’t admit to it, so I just make sure my Fiance knows he’s my #1 always, or I try to anyways, sometimes it is hard.
Post # 4
Do future in laws show favoritism? Yes, yes, yes. My fiancé ended up being the shuffled around and overlooked middle child growing up. Now his parents fail to appreciate him. They want him to be more like his brother, and I think they want me to be more like his sister in law… His brother who got a great job with a good company, never went to any parties, moved away for work, and is generally a very sensible and frugal person. And his wife who is very modest, grew up on a farm, doesn’t wear makeup, makes everything, works as a nurse, and is also sensible and frugal.
they are both wonderful people and not in the least frustrated… But his parents prefer them over us which drives me crazy. We are absolutely nothing like them… My Fiance struggles a little with school work but he is going to graduate just fine… Plus he is a really good musician who taught himself guitar, has written two CDs, has played for several local theater groups, and does some work for small time musicians. I do very well at my job waitressing, plus I teach dance at a local church. We are still successful, just not in the way his brother and sister in law are… Which is what his parents want us to be.
the golden child of his family is his sister though… His mom had three miscarriages after having her, all of them would’ve been girls. So combine baby if the family with the only girl… recipe for disaster.
i love his parents, sister, brother and sister in law… But honestly I do hate the preference they tend to show.
Post # 5
My FH is the favorite, but his parents cater to his brother so as to not hurt his feelings. FH is well adjusted and has his head on straight, and his brother is doing fine for himself job-wise but generally just consistently makes terrible life decisions and will pout (yes this is a fully grown man) if someone says anything mildly critical to him. Unfortunately, he has been able to successfully manipulate his family’s emotions so that they pretend he doesn’t have issues, when in reality they are just enabling his poor life choices. FH has told me his brother doesn’t really feel very loved by me, but I refuse to be manipulated. I do care about him, and that’s why it frustrates me that he keeps making bad decisions. I have shown repeatedly that I care about him, but I will also call him out on his crap and let him know some things just will not fly, when his family is too afraid to hurt his “delicate” feelings.
OK, rant over. Phew!
Post # 6
I know my FH sure feels like a black sheep. But we don’t really “handle” it. We just go about our life together. We handle situations with family from a point of unity, and he doesn’t put himself in a position of depending on them or kowtowing, he’s basically the opposite of a momma’s boy.
He no longer goes out of his way to please those who he feels cannot be pleased by him, or to worry himself too much about their comments and opinions. It hurts me when they upset him, or when I see ways that feeling incapable of pleasing them has impacted him, but mostly he is aware and deals with it by being independent and I respect him for that.
Post # 7
Even if my SO won’t admit it, this is totally his family! His older brother is basically the golden child who can’t do any wrong. His older sister lives across the ocean and has already done exactly what they want of their children (get a sucessful job, get married, have kids), his younger brother has already pulled away from the family by going ultra Orthodox, and his step brother has to be shown extra affection so that he doesn’t feel like a step, which means SO is usually treated like the quintessential middle child.
The problem is his siblings are nice, so it’s hard to be mad at them. I just wish his parents didn’t take all their frustration of their children out on SO.
I wouldn’t say WE handle it, I say I handle it. Last week at dinner, his father was saying he complains too much about having to get up early, that 6:00 AM wasn’t early and he actually gets up early every day at 5:00. I just looked him straight in the eye and said “You choose to. He doesn’t. At least he works for his money.” I’m also the one who set his mom straight on some issues with his job interviews, when she did nothing but tell him what he always does wrong instead of encouraging him.
Sometimes I just want to say “We’re most likely going to give you the first grandchildren who live in the same city as you. Do you really want to push him this much and risk seeing those children less than the ones who live in England?”
Post # 8
My Fiance is definitely the forgotten middle child. He has always been on track in life and was the only one to stand up to his mother (who is a sweet woman but stubborn).
I actually dont really have an issue with it. I love that he is head strong and independent. And while is brother is the favourite, he is also a little shit head who is constantly in competition with my Fiance (maybe he is jealous…i dont know)
Just focus on you and your SO. Being a favourite does not mean you are a better person than the other siblings.
Post # 9
My husband is the baby, so he’s probably up there on top of the list.
However, that’s just so wrong. But I totally agree with you, OP, saying this…parents, even if they won’t admit it, have a favorite.
Perhaps next time they decide to make him look bad, mention some great things that he’s done.
Post # 10
My fiancé is in that situation….it’s not majorly obvious and I don’t know if it’s because he still lives at home/he is a very quiet person but it always seems like his sister is the favourite, who now lives a distance away. It seems that his mother is never satisfied with what he has achieved and he will never share anything with her. I just ignore it and make sure that I let him know how special he is and how proud of him I am, I think if I lead by example then maybe they will see for themselves.
Post # 11
I read this post to my mom and she laughed because she said my dad is the exact same way as your situation. She said my dad is still treated as looked down upon (because his older brother went to college and came out with a fantastic job) whereas my dad didn’t. She said it didn’t come to my grandparents eyes how amazing he is, until my grandma got knee surgery and he was by her side whereas my uncle (my dads brother) was not there at all. The tables turned real fast on that one.
Unfortunately I really don’t think it will get any better until your SO proves his point, although its sad because he shouldnt be the one proving himself anway. All the pieces will fall together eventually and the tables will turn for you guys. Just try and stay positive!
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Doodle411: The only advice I have is to limit your contact with those people and surround yourselves with people who value you and your FH. I wouldn’t snub them for family events but I wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with them either.
Post # 13
My Fiance is by far the favorite son and the oldest in a Latino family. A lot more is expected of him than his brother and it’s generally assumed that no matter what happens, he’ll do well in life. He has an advanced degree, a great job and has always been very ambitious.
FI’s brother is unmotivated with severe social anxiety problems. I’ve come to realize that my Fiance is right when he says he is just plain lazy and doesn’t want to work for anything. He thinks everything in life should be handed to him.
FI’s parents have pretty much catered to the brother’s every need and picked him up from failure rather than letting him face the consequences. They have told me that they plan to leave everything to FI’s brother when they die because “he needs more help”. They coddle him like crazy and praise him endlessly when he does something that slightly resembles responsible adult behavior.
In stark contrast, they are very hard on my Fiance and seem to badger him at times. For tht reason, he sometimes feels like he is not favored. However, it’s easy for me to see that he as the respect of his parents and they are incredibly proud of him. They do not feel the same way about his brother, who just moved out for the first time at age 32 and is now living off his girlfriend.
Post # 14
I am lucky that this won’t be an issue in my marriage. My fiance has 1 brother and 1 sister and from what i’ve seen so far the siblings are treated as equals. My fiance is the baby of the family.
However my family of origin this was not the case. My mother was treated horribly by my grandmother while my aunt was the golden child. My dad is one of 4, and all the other siblings were treated better. And the cycle continued as my grandparents on both sides favored the other grandchildren more than me, but then were hurt that i didn’t adore them. I always felt so badly for my parents and when i have kids i will do my best not to favor cause i have seen how it destroys families. Then my dad is remarried and his wife always allowed her daughter to be rude towards me, my dad, or anybody. Her daughter could do no wrong, whereas i have to watch my every word to not offend her. So i have seen favoritsm from every angle of my family, and just thank god i don’t see that in my fiance’s family.
The favortism family situations i have been in never did improve. Either relatives would just grin and bear it and allow themselves to be insulted, or avoid family.
Post # 15
Yup. My Future Mother-In-Law was married once before and had my Fiance and his sister with that man. She’s since remarried and had another son with that man. I don’t know the whole story (FI doesn’t like to talk about it) but his biological dad isn’t a really nice guy. My Fiance reminds his mom of his dad (if that sentence just made sense…) so I think that’s why. It’s nothing major, and it used to be a lot worse than it is now. They’re still super supportive and wonderful, so I’m not sure I have any helpful advice besides to just be there for him. If you see it, chances are pretty good he does too. He needs a support system and that’s you.
Post # 16
UGH!! My FH can’t do anything right by his parents. His brother is the favorite and can do no wrong. We are compared to Future Brother-In-Law and his wife constantly. They got married first, bought a house first, had kids first. His mother refuses to admit it even when it’s pointed out but doesn’t try to stop it either.