(Closed) not much sex, feeling so unattractive :(

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in the same boat.

It’s an awful feeling. I’m eating everything in sight to compensate and that isn’t doing me any favours.

 

I sympathize. Definitely get his testosterone checked.

Post # 4
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

I’m really sorry. I used to be in the same boat, and sometimes we still get in that rut. I’ve found that a lot of times it was just issues in our relationships that were holding him back. When our relationship was going better he also started being a lot more forthcoming and have higher libido. It’s still not “high” by any standards, my libido is a lot higher than his (but I’m also younger). Still, I have found that it goes pretty well when we take care of our relationship.

Post # 6
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Sorry you’re going thru this, OP. I’ve been in that rut too. You’ll probably find a post I started a few weeks ago about my Darling Husband admitting that he didn’t feel as attracted to me. We were in a pretty bad place for a bit so I can definitely sympathize with you. I get why you don’t understand why your own man can’t recriprocate the appreciative looks that other guys give you. I started taking better care of me and putting my happiness/interests/friends first for a bit and that seemed to spice things back up. I just wanted to scream “I’M A WOMAN, GODDAMMIT! and a HOT one!!!” So I took that mentality and applied it. Counseling and having his T levels checked are a great place to start. A lot of times it truely is a medical condition that can hopefully be corrected or helped by an MD & counselor. 

ETA: your last post sounds a bit unsettling. He’s asking you to “clean up more and dress more sexy”? in order for him to want to have sex? I probably would have killed him. 

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

A really easy way to keep his sex drive up is to not let him finish every time you have sex. Obviously he has to be on board with this and willing to not take care of business on his own, and if there are underlying issues like anxiety or depression a solution will be more complicated.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was going to tell you to cut him some slack when I read about the spreadsheet – seriously, if my guy kept a spreadsheet of when we had sex because he felt it wasn’t often enough, I would find that to be an extreme turnoff and a not okay guilt trip. There is nothing wrong with having a day or two where you are just not in the mood, but you don’t really specify how often it is now that his libido has tanked. Then I read the part he said abot what you need to do to prove shit to him and was just like…no way! Who the hell does this guy think he is?! I’d be super pissed. I think you’re doing the right thing by looking into counseling and getting his testosterone levels checked.

Post # 11
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

How long have you been together? Honestly, it sounds like he’s super stressed and might have cold feet about the wedding. Criticizing housework and child skills couples with no sex? Absolutely sort this all out before you get married. It sounds like something deeper than low testosterone (though that could be contributing).

Post # 12
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I could have written this too Frown  I know there are no issues in our relationship as we only got engaged 3 weeks ago and he is constantly telling me how happy is, all I can think is “well if we are this happy, then why do we have no sex life at all”

I do bring it up with him, and he says he will try, and I try, but it just doesn’t happen.  Let us know if you get your partner’s testosterone checked, I’m thinking we might have to go down the same path…

Post # 13
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I could have written this too Frown  I know there are no issues in our relationship as we only got engaged 3 weeks ago and he is constantly telling me how happy is, all I can think is “well if we are this happy, then why do we have no sex life at all”

I do bring it up with him, and he says he will try, and I try, but it just doesn’t happen.  Let us know if you get your partner’s testosterone checked, I’m thinking we might have to go down the same path…

Post # 15
Member
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i know how you feel.  well, i did. 

i was in a relationship for about 8 yrs and he was never much into anything intimate. he didn’t even like to hold hands or snuggle.   i, on the other hand have a high libido.  i tried to get him to go to the doctor, therapy (together or alone), i tried everything. (only guy i know to turn down bj’s)  it got to a point where i just didn’t even bother trying to initiate anything.  a girl can only take so much rejection.  i don’t know how i lasted that long.  the last few years of our relationship, i became very emotionally unattached making it very easy to finally break up with him and move on.  this was a complete shock to him.  i felt badly because he was a nice person but i really needed more in a relationship. 

i guess what i am trying to tell you is that if you wait and wait for things to change, they won’t.  try to fix it before it gets too deep.

i often think, if i had never left him, i would never have found my true soul mate and love of my life.

good luck.

Post # 16
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m really confused by this whole ‘expectation of housework’ aspect. Why does he expect you to do all the housework/chores?? How long have you guys been living together? Honestly, he sounds like a jerk. How has he ‘proven’ to you that he’d be a good father?

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