Post # 1
SO’s family is big into football and they hold a big family get together out of town for Superbowl every year. I’ve gone to them all in the past 4 years except for this one, I am going to be working instead. It upset me when SO’s brother said “Oh nice it is finally going to be a family only superbowl party this time.” SO and I have been dating for over 4 years and most of his family considers me part of the family already except his brother always says stuff like this! SO says I should just let it go and brush it off. Am I being to sensitive for feeling upset?
Thanks for listening to the rant 🙂
Post # 3
Not to mention another good friend got engaged today. I swear I will be the only unengaged one left soon lol
Post # 4
Not at all. I would be hurt to. And coming from a similar family I completely can empathize with you. There are 2 important things to remember 1) Your SO didn’t say it, nor could he predict they would so PLEASEEE don’t get mad or fight with him. He has no control of other peoples words and actions .. And 2) If they are going to be like “that” — you know passive aggressive, insensitive, selfish, careless, what ever you want to call it — you have to learn how to let it roll off of your shoulders.
Let me give you an example. This Xmas, Fiance and I spent Xmas afternoon with his Mom and brothers. His one brother told me, I didn’t get you anything, I didn’t know you would be here. Now tell me, why wouldn’t I be there? Where else woudl I be? We have spent every Xmas together in the past.. what makes this different?.. Then I realized its not me. First Future Brother-In-Law is up FMIL’s ass and Future Mother-In-Law and I don’t really get along other than common courtesy. I was a littel peeved but Fiance had no idea that would occur and he felt pretty bad when it did. I just let it go. Why waste my time on people who are trying to hurt me, directy or indirectly.
Good luck! This will pass. You will get stronger from it.
Post # 5
His bro sounds like a bit of a douche! Sorry you have to put up with him trying to make you feel small. 🙁
brush it off, and next time he’s talking crap to you imagine he’s in a tutu with pretty ponytails in his hair.
Thats how serious you should treat his attitude. 😀
Post # 6
@IslandGirl6: well he’s right… you aren’t family. You might be “like” family but until youre his SIL, he is justified in these comments.
Your SO should stand up for you since it’s his choice that you aren’t family.
Post # 7
Your SO’s brother was being a jerk and I’m sure it was noticed by anyone who heard the comment. It reflects more on the brother being a total ass than it does your place in SO’s family.
Is the brother single? Unhappy in his relationship? Was he single when you met SO? He might just be a surly jerk that you will never win over. You will never regret keeping your cool and rising above his nonsense.
Regarding the comment about you not being family. . .I take issue with this. Families aren’t always created by blood or law. My uncle’s long-term girlfriend is family. Much more so than the cousins I haven’t seen in 20 years or my sister’s ex-husband ever was. SO’s family has never treated me as an outsider. Each time I met a new cousin or uncle from out of town, they treated me like family. His mother tells me what a shame it is that her parents passed away before SO and I met because they would have liked to see us together.
Regardless, even if we are taking a hard stance on what is and isn’t family, the brother saying it falls under the “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” principle.
Post # 9
@subtlebee: I don’t really agree with that IMO. I know some couples who have been together 12+ years or couples who have children and never bothered to get married, but some couples who have been married and divorced within 5 years. I wouldn’t say just because you’re married, your more “family” than the other. I think you develop this family relationship over time with SO’s family. This is just my opinion.
@IslandGirl6: How old is your SO’s brother? Has he had a girlfriend before? My SO’s brother had never said anything mean to me, but he had made comments in the past about celebrating anniversaries saying “but you’re not married,” (he was 17 at the time) since when he started dating his first girlfriend, they celebrated every month! I think things change with perspective.
Post # 10
@memo: hey I don’t like it any more than you or the OP but it is the reality of the situation. Except in common law situations, you aren’t family til you are married (it doesn’t seem like they are common law).
Post # 11
@IslandGirl6: Does he say things like this all the time? Maybe he is just pulling your leg and joking with you. I would not take it personally. Do you think he is saying this because he does not have alone/bonding time with his brother? Maybe he is joking but, he feels “some type of way” deep down. My bf and i normally go to family events together. There are times when Im like “go and spend time with them alone”. Just because you guys have been together for awhile doesn’t mean, he can’t spend time with them alone. The way his brother said that was RUDE!, if he wasn’t joking.
Post # 12
@subtlebee: That implies that same-sex partners can’t be part of the family because of the law in some parts of the world prohibiting their legal unions. Law doesn’t make family. The law can’t make you feel like someone is part of your family, the same way biology doesn’t necessarily make someone a parent.
Post # 13
I agree with memo, becoming part of the family takes time (more or less for different family members). It’s extremely hurtful, but he probably didn’t intend it that way. Eventually he’ll consider you to be part of the family if you’re present at enough events and/or marry, plus his opinion is way less important than the parents IL so unless he regularly says stuff like that, don’t sweat it!
Post # 14
@DDG84: Thank you for the advice! It is nice to hear I am not the only one dealing with something like this. Luckily my SO agrees with me that his brother is an ass. That really sucks what happened to you during Xmas, sometimes the future in-laws can be really awful! Is the Future Brother-In-Law always an ass? I am inspired about your attitude towards the situation though, why waste time on people who are hurtful?? Time to let it go 🙂
@RedJezabel: Haha I will imagine him in a tutu with pretty ponytails! Awesome idea! Maybe even when he talks I will imagine him making monkey noises. Thanks for cheering me up!! 🙂
@LeenieBee: Yeah luckily I dont even think SO’s family is very fond of the brother haha. He is actually recently married but doesn’t seem to be very happy in his marriage. He is finally realizing that his wife is really taking him for his money. I thought he would of figured this out earlier when she demanded at LEAST a 3 carat diamond enagement ring! He was single when SO and I met too. SO’s brother always says he wishes his life was like ours and I think he resents us because he is unhappy. I agree that it is important to try to keep my cool so I dont do anything I might regret. I am glad that your SO’s family treats you like family 🙂 that is really awesome. I know the rest of his family treats me like that too, just not the damn brother. I also totally agree that you don’t have to be married to be considered family. Thanks for advice, it makes me feel much better 🙂
@memo: I totally agree with you. I don’t think people have to be married to be family at all. Even if SO and I never got married I would still consider myself part of the family. SO’s brother is 25 and he is recently married. But he seems pretty unhappy in his marriage. I think this reflects a lot of his negative behaviour towards me becoming part of the family. I could see my SO’s brother saying something just like your SO’s brother did! I would find that pretty mean too! Do us ladies in waiting ever get a break? 🙂
@Lauren8712: SO’s brother does say stuff like this more than I’d like thats for sure. Sometimes I can’t tell if he’s joking or if he’s really just a jerk. The more I hear it the more I am thinking he is just really rude. I am getting better at trying to not take it personally. I could really see him feeling that I am taking away from his bonding time with his brother, he is actually really protective towards him. Luckily SO gets plenty enough time with his brother right now, but his brother is moving out of town soon so maybe he just wants more time with SO before he moves. I like that you get your bf to go spend time alone with his family, I think it is really important that they can get alone time too 🙂
@mistress_anne: +1!! 100% agree
@arathella: You are so right, it is important to not sweat it! I know as long as I feel like family then I am family. Just some comments from the brother wont change that. Thanks!! 🙂
Post # 15
@IslandGirl6: his brother is probably a bit jealous. dont let it get to you.
Post # 16
@mistress_anne: It implies no such thing. Denying same sex marriage is legal discrimination. Her situation is that her SO has decided to not make her part of the family. I am sure you do not mean to compare discrimination with the choice of one partner. Homosexuals are not given a choice.