(Closed) Not part of the family

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Not at all. I would be hurt to. And coming from a similar family I completely can empathize with you. There are 2 important things to remember 1) Your SO didn’t say it, nor could he predict they would so PLEASEEE don’t get mad or fight with him. He has no control of other peoples words and actions .. And 2) If they are going to be like “that” — you know passive aggressive, insensitive, selfish, careless, what ever you want to call it — you have to learn how to let it roll off of your shoulders.

Let me give you an example. This Xmas, Fiance and I spent Xmas afternoon with his Mom and brothers. His one brother told me, I didn’t get you anything, I didn’t know you would be here. Now tell me, why wouldn’t I be there? Where else woudl I be? We have spent every Xmas together in the past.. what makes this different?.. Then I realized its not me. First Future Brother-In-Law is up FMIL’s ass and Future Mother-In-Law and I don’t really get along other than common courtesy. I was a littel peeved but Fiance had no idea that would occur and he felt pretty bad when it did. I just let it go. Why waste my time on people who are trying to hurt me, directy or indirectly. 

Good luck! This will pass. You will get stronger from it. 

Post # 5
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

His bro sounds like a bit of a douche! Sorry you have to put up with him trying to make you feel small. πŸ™ 

brush it off, and next time he’s talking crap to you imagine he’s in a tutu with pretty ponytails in his hair. 

Thats how serious you should treat his attitude. πŸ˜€ 

good luck! 

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@IslandGirl6:  well he’s right… you aren’t family. You might be “like” family but until youre his SIL, he is justified in these comments.

Your SO should stand up for you since it’s his choice that you aren’t family.

Post # 7
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Your SO’s brother was being a jerk and I’m sure it was noticed by anyone who heard the comment.  It reflects more on the brother being a total ass than it does your place in SO’s family.  

Is the brother single?  Unhappy in his relationship?  Was he single when you met SO?  He might just be a surly jerk that you will never win over.  You will never regret keeping your cool and rising above his nonsense.  

Regarding the comment about you not being family. . .I take issue with this.  Families aren’t always created by blood or law.  My uncle’s long-term girlfriend is family.  Much more so than the cousins I haven’t seen in 20 years or my sister’s ex-husband ever was.  SO’s family has never treated me as an outsider.  Each time I met a new cousin or uncle from out of town, they treated me like family.  His mother tells me what a shame it is that her parents passed away before SO and I met because they would have liked to see us together.  

Regardless, even if we are taking a hard stance on what is and isn’t family, the brother saying it falls under the “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” principle.

Post # 9
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@subtlebee:  I don’t really agree with that IMO. I know some couples who have been together 12+ years or couples who have children and never bothered to get married, but some couples who have been married and divorced within 5 years. I wouldn’t say just because you’re married, your more “family” than the other. I think you develop this family relationship over time with SO’s family. This is just my opinion.

@IslandGirl6:  How old is your SO’s brother? Has he had a girlfriend before? My SO’s brother had never said anything mean to me, but he had made comments in the past about celebrating anniversaries saying “but you’re not married,” (he was 17 at the time) since when he started dating his first girlfriend, they celebrated every month! I think things change with perspective.

Post # 10
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@memo:  hey I don’t like it any more than you or the OP but it is the reality of the situation. Except in common law situations, you aren’t family til you are married (it doesn’t seem like they are common law).

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee

@IslandGirl6:  Does he say things like this all the time?  Maybe he is just pulling your leg and joking with you.  I would not take it personally.  Do you think he is saying this because he does not have alone/bonding time with his brother? Maybe he is joking but, he feels “some type of way” deep down.  My bf and i normally go to family events together.  There are times when Im like “go and spend time with them alone”.  Just because you guys have been together for awhile doesn’t mean, he can’t spend time with them alone.  The way his brother said that was RUDE!, if he wasn’t joking.

Post # 12
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@subtlebee:  That implies that same-sex partners can’t be part of the family because of the law in some parts of the world prohibiting their legal unions.  Law doesn’t make family.  The law can’t make you feel like someone is part of your family, the same way biology doesn’t necessarily make someone a parent.  

Post # 13
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with memo, becoming part of the family takes time (more or less for different family members). It’s extremely hurtful, but he probably didn’t intend it that way. Eventually he’ll consider you to be part of the family if you’re present at enough events and/or marry, plus his opinion is way less important than the parents IL so unless he regularly says stuff like that, don’t sweat it!

Post # 15
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@IslandGirl6:  his brother is probably a bit jealous. dont let it get to you.

Post # 16
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@mistress_anne:  It implies no such thing. Denying same sex marriage is legal discrimination. Her situation is that her SO has decided to not make her part of the family. I am sure you do not mean to compare discrimination with the choice of one partner. Homosexuals are not given a choice.

The topic ‘Not part of the family’ is closed to new replies.

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