(Closed) Not paying for rehersal dinner??

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 35
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I think it is fine. I am not really looking at it as a rehearsal dinner. It seem more like a  group of people getting together to eat and v=be merry after some hard work. Whats wrong with that?

Post # 37
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I totally feel ya- we are way over budget for our wedding way it is, and we are not heavy on tradition.  There are some things we had to spend money on that we didn’t plan to- that SIGNIFICANTLY added to our bill, but there was literally no way to avoid it.

We are currently figuring out what we are going to do.

If I were you, I would make up little invite that’s playful and fun- and just explains that after rehearsal, whoever wants to come to XXX after rehearsal, we’d love your company and we’re going dutch…..I’m sure there’s a better way to word that, but it can be done well.  The people who come will want to be there- and if people aren’t going to come because they aren’t getting a free meal- well then do you really want them there?

It’s just  rehearsal dinner.

We’ve contemplated not having one- we can use the venue the night before for a rehearsal, but I think everything is going to be pretty straighforward, we could likely draw up picture and talk with our group.  What I was more concerned about was- the rehearsal dinner the night before turning into a long social hour, and then friends staying up/out late and me being a wreck for our wedding lol- 

Post # 38
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MeadowsBee:  I don’t know if this is something you’d consider, but we had a BBQ.  I just got some burgers, hot dogs, and the fixings.  My bridesmaids all offered to bring salads, fruit and veggie trays.  It was super low key, we had it while we were decorating the barn.  You sound like you guys are cool with casual stuff.  It didn’t cost too much either seeing as it was semi-potluck.  Everyone there said they were happy with something low key that didn’t require them to dress up again, haha.

Rehearsal dinners where I’m from aren’t really a thing though, it’s more just to feed everyone who helps to decorate or set up.

Post # 39
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MeadowsBee:  Personally I would find it rude to attend a rehearsal dinner only to be expected to pay my own meal.  My Fiance and I are paying for our own wedding and while we don’t have much money, we wouldn’t imagine asking our guests to pay for their dinner.  Pick a place that’s affordable.

Post # 40
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
@MeadowsBee:  Hmm…can’t you just take people out to somewhere cheap or have a BBQ or something? Sorry but it is rude to ask people to pay for their own food at the rehersal dinner. I understand if you can’t afford it, but surely there are other more budget friendly options than just dumping the check on your guests? 

Also, if it is a dinner following a rehersal then it is a rehersal dinner. Calling it something different is not going to change that. 

Post # 41
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

In my little tacky corner of the world most people pay for themselves at the rehearsal. Usually it’s just inviting people to dinner and going over day of coordination. If your too worried about it you can always word it like that. Instead of “we invite you to the rehersal dinner of mr and mrs…” you can ask everyone ” hey we are going out to dinner with everyone, we can talk about whats gonna happen day of… you in?” I can imagine anyone being too overly offended

Post # 42
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@MeadowsBee:  LOL thanks!  Happy birthday…we’ll be celebrating it in style over here in WV ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 43
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@Carlasgettingmarried:  Thankfully, you don’t have to attend, and you won’t have to pay for your meal.  Honestly, why must it be dictated that the couple pay for the rehearsal dinner?  Because it’s always been that way?  Is that ever a good reason to do anything?  If so, maybe we should go back to trading livestock for brides, that was practiced for several millenia. 

Post # 44
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@wvrunner:  The reason you pay isn’t strictly because it is tradtition.  It is a tradition however because it is impolite to invite someone to help you come and help you do something, and not host them.

I do think you should find a way to pay for those helpers and Bridal Party.  Even if it is cake and punch over a non meal time you should host your guests.

Post # 45
Member
47419 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Having a dinner in the evening after a rehearsal, calling it anything other than a rehearsal dinner, and positioning yourselves as the hosts by issuing invitations (whether written or by word of mouth) is the same as having a dinner after a wedding ceremony, issuing invitations and then doing a collection to finance the meal.

If you invite people to dinner,  especially the wedding party and those who are helping to decorate, you pick up the tab. If you can’t afford a restauarant you find an alternative you can afford.

A rose by any other name is still a rose. A rehearsal dinner by any other name is still a rehearsal dinner.

Post # 46
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

The issue with all this is that you may technically be giving them an out if they don’t want to go or pay for your choice, but I’ll bet that at least one of the bridal party would feel as if they had no real choice but to go along.  The threat of facing scorn/judgement/etc. for not coming along will probably be strong enough to compel everyone to go with the flow, even if they rather wouldn’t.  

If I were in your bridal party, I would feel a little bit of resentment over something like this.  It probably wouldn’t have any lasting effect on the friendship, but it would always be in the back of my mind.  To me it would signal that you wanted to “honor” me by giving me the tremendous obligation that comes along with being a member of the bridal party without meeting your own obligation to reciprocate the work I’ve done by accepting your honor. 

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