(Closed) Not paying for rehersal dinner??

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

My friends did this, and it wasn’t a big deal! It was super casual and we all knew up front.

Post # 48
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Well I didn’t know until planning that the rehersal dinner is suppose to be covered so I made plans to have it at a local pizza place down the st from the venue because it was cheap and has really great pizza and fish and chips on friday’s only.  We only asked that they pay for alcohol my dad stepped in and paid but it was only about 200, could you afford an option like that?  Then it could serve as a thank you for helping sort of thing. 🙂

Post # 49
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mnp:  Oh I like that idea!

Post # 50
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m normally all for non-traditional things and alternate stuff (I’m actually OK with cash bars, shocker)… BUT…

If I was in your bridal party, I would be a bit peeved.  I would feel obligated to set up.  And then I would feel obligated to go out to this dinner, regardless of how much you say it’s optional.  And while it might not be that big a deal…  It would still be something I would not remember fondly.  I know, you’re short on cash.  But it would still kind of sting.  I’d much prefer free pizza than paying for a nicer dinner.

Post # 51
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yeah, I’m far from traditional, but I think it’s normal day etiquette to pay for the meals of people helping you. If they were helping you move apartments, or paint your living room, you’d still order some pizzas and give everyone beer. I’m having an optional rehearsal on my driveway, and then serving having a “make your own taco bar” with ingredients from my local market. 

Post # 52
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Savannah, GA

I think you are perfectly fine just inviting anyone who wants to come and letting them know that everyone will pay for their own.  I know you will and already have received a lot of criticism from the bees, but a lot of the bees are used to big, traditional, formal weddings and can not comprehend any deviances.  I feel like it’ll be more like just a group dinner, not anything formal. 

 

In my experience, my Future Mother-In-Law is insisting I invite all of my out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner.  I have a very large extended family because my mother alone has 7 brothers and sisters and it is unheard of for anyone but the bridal party and immediate familes to attend our rehearsal dinners.  They are much more laid back about weddings.  I don’t remember ever attending a plated dinner reception or one with anything other than print your own boxed invitations, etc.  I’m pretty sure most of them will not understand being invited to the rehearsal dinner, but if she’s willing to pay for all of them she can have at it.  She is used to traditional, formal, southern weddings.

 

But anyway, it sounds like your guests wouldn’t have a problem with this at all.  Despite popular bee belief, a fancy rehearsal dinner, open bar, and chiavari chairs do not make a wedding. 

 

Post # 53
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MeadowsBee:  If we invited everyone to the rehearsal dinner and paid for them we would essentially be having two weddings because almost all of our guests are Out of Town. So (my Fiance parents are actually paying because they wanted to which of course we happily accepted) my Fiance parents are hosting the bridal party and my parents are throwing out a hey whoever wants to hang out and get dinner while the bridal party eats and we can all hang out together after is free to come meet up with us kind of thing. This way people have a way to meet and get together without the idea in their head they are being paid for but my Fiance parents still get to “host” someone

Post # 54
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

ANYWAY haha the point of that was maybe you could pay for the people who will feel obligated to be there:your bridal party but still extend and invite to others via your parents or someone else who is not in the party directly so that you get a combo of both? You could do a very casual place and not spend too much depending on how large your party is!

Post # 55
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@wvrunner:  Because the couple is usually making people spend hundreds of dollars to be in their bridal party, and a dinner is a nice way to say thank you. It shouldn’t be yet another expsense. 

I’m not sure how you got from not wanting to pay for a dinner to ‘why don’t we just go back to trading brides for livestock?!’. I’ll assume you just feel very strongly about not paying for your own rehersal dinner and leave it at that. Do whatever you want and have a nice wedding. 

 

Post # 56
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

@Carlasgettingmarried:  I like your phrasing in your first paragraph.  There’s a part of me that wishes we could do away with the idea that being in the bridal party is an “honor” because too many people seem to interpret this to mean that they are doing a favor to their friends by asking them to spend lots of money (on things that are almost never to their taste) on their behalf instead of the other way around. 

Post # 57
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Some confusion here.  The only “must” invites to Rehearsal Dinner are the participants in the rehearsal and their spouses/fiancees.   Inviting out of town guests to Rehearsal Dinner is optional.  Do a small Rehearsal Dinner with just wedding party and anyone who is helping you decorate church or venue.  Maybe decoration party should be decreased. 

Post # 58
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Carlasgettingmarried

Luckily my FI’s dad has offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner, but it’s at a gourmet pizza place and we’ve kept it very affordable.  If he hadn’t, my Fiance and I were planning to pay it.  I’m not against anyone paying for the rehearsal dinner, I do think it’s a nice gesture.  What I’m against is everyone telling this girl that she has to do it, even though she feels she can’t afford it.  It’s actually quite frustrating to see people calling her rude.  Do you know her finances?  Because sometimes $100 for pizza and drinks can break the bank if you’re not wanting to put it on a credit card.  They are already paying for the wedding.  No one needs to go into debt at any amount for their wedding.  

How do you know these people are asking their bridal party to pay hundreds of dollars?  For, example, my bridal party has had to pay maybe $30 for their attire…I made the attire very affordable and we’re hosting out-of-towners so they don’t have to pay for accomodations.  There can be a variety of expectations for weddings, and everyone will have different opinions about it, but when the expectations delve into the financial, it gets very annoying.  Especially whent the OP outlined that she’s not interested in commenters who think she’s wrong for being non-traditional.  

Post # 59
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am all for breaking tradition, but not at the expense of courtesy for your guests. I agree with everyone else who says pizza or BBQ; if you have a grill at home, you could just get a bunch of hot dogs/hamburgers. If you have any friends/family in town, then you could ask that, in lieu of a wedding gift, could they bring a side for the rehearsal BBQ. I think a potluck feels less inconsiderate than asking guests to pay for their own meal. 

And regarding whether or not weddings always costs guests — they do. The OP has mentioned most of her guests are oot — that’s gas money at least and, for the rehearsal dinner, most likely having to ask time off work. And it just seems stingy to pay for a wedding but not a rehearsal dinner, especially when you could easily feed 20 people for under $150. Lots of people don’t have weddings and go to the jop due to expenses; but that’s not the situation here. I think if you decide to have the whole big wedding thing and ask your bridal party to help you set it up, they deserve to be fed afterwards. And you can ask other Out of Town guests to meet you up or come over for a drink after.

Post # 60
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MeadowsBee:  You should pay for your bridal party. The Rehearsal Dinner is supposed to be a thank you for them helping you and putting in time, effort and $$. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding where I was asked to pay for my own meal at the Rehearsal Dinner and I thought that was so tacky.

Post # 61
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, for the price of your meal, and your FI’s meal, you could pick up some burgers and salads, beer and wine, and host everyone at your house. Or pizza.

That is what we will be doing because we too are funding everything ourselves. And it is not every day that we have our families together, and we want everyone to be able to chat and get to know each other (i.e. my Fiance has never met my step-father, my mother has never met my Future Sister-In-Law or my step kids, etc).

You and your Fiance can go for dinner there whenever you like.  I do think you shouldn’t ask your guests, especially those who are lending you a hand, to buy their own meals.  If a bunch of friends helped you move, would you not spring for beer and pizza during the day? It really is no different.

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