Post # 1
I am feeling so hurt. I know my sister can pick whoever she likes to be in her wedding. I fully thought I would be asked to be my sisters matron of honor but instead wasn’t even asked to be a bridesmaid. She asked me to be one of her personal attendants. I didn’t even have personal attendents at my wedding as I thought it was a low blow. No offense, I just felt like my bridesmaid/matron of honor could help me. We have a lot of sisters, I truly have felt for years that her and I were closest to each other out of all of us. I have gone to bat for her, we talk for sure weekly, daily at times. She told me she wanted to have me in her wedding but she didn’t want to hurt the other sisters. Yet she picked a sister that her and I have both had issues with in the past to be in her wedding. She was in this sister’s wedding last year. What hurts the most is she picked my brother’s girlfriend to be her maid of honor! I can’t tell you how this hurts me. I know I shouldn’t let it but i can’t help it. Another of her reasons for who she picked is that her fiance picked groomsmen who were college aged so she is picking mostly friends to be her attendants. My one sister she picked is out of college by years and my brother’s girlfriend is a few months old than I am. I truly think she didn’t pick me b/c I’m not as thin as the ones she picked. Please tell me what to do. I know i should keep my mouth shut but I would like to just let her know I do not want to be a personal attendant! I would rather be a guest. I dont’ want to ruin her day but I don’t think she is being honest with me and I want her to know that. Do I say anything or just keep quiet?
Post # 3
I would tell her exactly what you said here. Honestly, I think it’s a super crappy thing to do and I would be beyond mad. I am one of those people who thinks that family has to be in weddings, but to pick one of you and not the others is just mean.
Post # 4
Ultimately it is her choice to pick who she wants in her wedding party. If her reasoning for not picking you is because you’re not as thin as the others then your sister is a pretty shallow person. I would talk to her and tell you’re hurt, but be prepared that she might not want to hear what you have to say. If it were me I’d want to say my peace about it, otherwise I would have such bad feelings throughout her wedding planning and at the wedding itself.
Post # 5
You have reason to feel hurt-that is a REALLY crummy thing to do. You should tell her how you feel about being chosen as an attendant.
Post # 6
My fear is that as bad as I want to say something she is going to get pissed and our relationship will be hurt. On the other hand, it already is. I do feel like I need to be a big person here but I just feel like she needs to know. I don’t know. I don’t want to ruin her day. Not sure there is a good way for me to approach her as it’s not going to change her decision..frankly if she asked me after I approached her that’s not even the point. I am just so shocked. I may be way off but the ONLY reason I can see her not picking me is so her wedding photos don’t have anyone over weight in them. Not that I’m huge or anything..I’m not, I”m just not perfectly thin like everyone else she’s having. Do I just let her know I’d rather not be her personal attendant or what do I say??
Post # 7
I wouldn’t be a personal attendant. that sounds like servitude to me.
And what makes you think your sister didn’t pick you because of your weight?! I mean, WTF. Is she really a hater like that over her own blood? I just can’t wrap my head around it. If you’re close, then why does it matter? If you weren’t close, that’d be one thing.
Post # 8
I’d decline the invitation to be her personal slave. 🙂
Sit her down and tell her that you’re hurt she didn’t choose you to be in her wedding- don’t accuse her of not choosing you because of your weight. She’ll get defensive, and it will turn into a huge fight. I would then tell her while you appreciate the offer to be her personal attendant, you’d rather celebrate with her as a guest. She may not be really happy at first, but someday, she’ll understand. Let her know you’re happy she’s getting married, and can’t wait to celebrate. After that, move on. Have a good time at the wedding, and wish her the best. You don’t want her to put you in the wedding “just because” now. When it comes to family, you must forgive and forget 🙂
Post # 9
Ugh, I’m sorry, that really stinks. I second ejs, I wouldn’t want to be her "personal attendant" either and I would tell her so. Who knows what her reasoning is… I would talk to her about the situation and tell her exactly what you told us. Sisterhood is a strange thing. One minute your sister is your best friend and then before you can blink they stab you in the back (atleast mine does). Do you have other siblings who aren’t in the official wedding party?
Post # 10
I think you should definitely tell her what you told us here. She needs to know this! Even if she isn’t going to change her decision, I think this issue is going to have such a huge impact on your relationship down the road and you both should try to talk about it. Find out from her why she didn’t pick you. Maybe in some weird way, because she said she feels closest to you, she figured you would be understanding and not as hurt if she picked the others (I know that doesn’t really make sense but I swear, people think so differently you might be surprised). Good luck!!
Post # 11
Everyone has their reasons for picking their attendants. I have 3 sisters and while it was a tough decision, I knew exactly who I wanted as my Maid/Matron of Honor. All my sisters will be in my wedding though. I think you should talk to her, let her know your concerns but don’t be overly confrontational about it. Let her give her perspective on why she chose who she did.
Post # 12
You should talk with her and first find out why she didn’t choose you. I didn’t pick my sister to be in my wedding. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. But we were not close she is stuffling financally and she is in a world of constant chaos and drama. my 2 best friends were more of a sister than she could ever be at this point in her life. I had to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. In the end she understood, wasn’t happy, but understood. But believe me … it was a very hard decision to make. Find out her side of the story first.
Post # 13
A ” no” is my vote for personal attendant. Give me a beak.
This whole scenario is odd. She didn’t want the others sisters to be hurt, but then put one of them in and not you? I get that she was in that sister’s wedding, but was she in yours too? If it is your weight, I think that is a cruddy reason, and probably one day she’ll feel terrible about it.
Personally, I would tell her how hurt yu are. Sure, brides can pick who they want, but please. She is your sister, and you truly feel like you are close, cvloser than your other sisters, even. You said you talk weekly, if not daily. What’s her beef? I don’t think she whould be treating you like this.
Post # 14
i don’t know where your sister is coming from and it is best not to assume (like they say, “when you assume, you make an a$$ out of u & me).
in regards to your relationship, maybe it’s one-sided and she doesn’t feel the same way about you? whatever the case, she is not being nice and obviously has not taken your feelings into consideration. if you don’t speak up now, things could be worse later.
write her a letter. not an email, but an old-fashioned hand written letter. tell her how you feel. read it a few times. make any edits until you are certain that you have told her how her actions have hurt you and how disappointed you are considering how close you feel your relationship is, without being snarky or calling her names. make sure you tell her the good things about how you feel about your relationship and about her as a person (up until this point, anyway).
then mail it to her. let her read it on her own time. hopefully, she will sit down and read it and absorb it without reacting immediately. just make sure you are clear and state what actions of hers hurt you. tell her what would make you feel good and why. and let her know that in the end the decision is hers, but if she still chooses to only have you as a slave…err…personal attendant, then you will have to politely decline. tell her you will be there to support her as a guest instead.
i’m sorry you have to go through this. i’m sure it must feel awful. just know that everything happens for a reason. there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. keep us updated. good luck.
Post # 15
I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your responses. Just to know I”m not being a selfish little brat makes me feel better. As far as a “beef”. There just isn’t one. I literally am her “go to” sister. She’s been pissed at both of the two she picked and has come to me about them with in the last 4-8 months.. I can’t even tell you!! I am so dumbfounded. I was talking to my hubby about it tonight and he is surprised too. (he was on a fishing trip this weekend and just got home tonight) He said “she is the youngest”, that is his only explanation. He is pretty non-confrontational and he, too thinks something needs to be said. She has been known to be a little selfish but it’s always been laughed off. My goal now is just to get by another week without saying anything just to make sure I’m not acting out of hastiness. (it’s going to be hard as I could call her up right now and would love her to just go over her reasons again and point out how neither of them make ANY sense at all.) I could’ve pointed out on the phone the other night we she was telling me about who she picked and how she wanted me to be her personal attendant how her reasons made no sense at all, as i pointed out in my original post. I’m acutally VERY proud of myself for being calm and decent on the phone. I seriously was fully expecting her to ask me to be her matron of honor. I thought she was just waiting to ask me in person…lol. The ONLY reason my husband and I can think of is that she might want her wedding to be more of a fashion statement…good photo’s etc., so she is picking petite people. If that’s the case…??? Next time she call’s in tears or needing something I’ll be more knowledgeable. I love her, but am learning a lot about her right now.
Post # 16
Ooof. Yeah, personal attendant to me means “do everything the bridesmaids do, but don’t get the recognition for it.” I’d talk to her, but make it like, “Hey, I know you can pick whoever you’d like to be a bridesmaid, but I was pretty hurt by the fact that you didn’t ask me. What’s going on?”