(Closed) Not picked as even a bridesmaid by sister…feeling hurt and need advice

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would tell her exactly what you said here. Honestly, I think it’s a super crappy thing to do and I would be beyond mad. I am one of those people who thinks that family has to be in weddings, but to pick one of you and not the others is just mean. 

Post # 4
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Ultimately it is her choice to pick who she wants in her wedding party. If her reasoning for not picking you is because you’re not as thin as the others then your sister is a pretty shallow person. I would talk to her and tell you’re hurt, but be prepared that she might not want to hear what you have to say. If it were me I’d want to say my peace about it, otherwise I would have such bad feelings throughout her wedding planning and at the wedding itself.

Post # 5
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

You have reason to feel hurt-that is a REALLY crummy thing to do.  You should tell her how you feel about being chosen as an attendant.

Post # 7
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t be a personal attendant. that sounds like servitude to me.

And what makes you think your sister didn’t pick you because of your weight?! I mean, WTF. Is she really a hater like that over her own blood? I just can’t wrap my head around it. If you’re close, then why does it matter? If you weren’t close, that’d be one thing.

Post # 8
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’d decline the invitation to be her personal slave. 🙂

  Sit her down and tell her that you’re hurt she didn’t choose you to  be in her wedding- don’t accuse her of not choosing you because of your weight.  She’ll get defensive, and it will turn into a huge fight.  I would then tell her while you appreciate the offer to be her personal attendant, you’d rather celebrate with her as a guest.  She may not be really happy at first, but someday, she’ll understand. Let her know you’re happy she’s getting married, and can’t wait to celebrate.  After that, move on.  Have a good time at the wedding, and wish her the best. You don’t want her to put you in the wedding “just because” now.  When it comes to family, you must forgive and forget 🙂

Post # 9
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ugh, I’m sorry, that really stinks. I second ejs, I wouldn’t want to be her "personal attendant" either and I would tell her so. Who knows what her reasoning is… I would talk to her about the situation and tell her exactly what you told us. Sisterhood is a strange thing. One minute your sister is your best friend and then before you can blink they stab you in the back (atleast mine does). Do you have other siblings who aren’t in the official wedding party?

Post # 10
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you should definitely tell her what you told us here. She needs to know this! Even if she isn’t going to change her decision, I think this issue is going to have such a huge impact on your relationship down the road and you both should try to talk about it. Find out from her why she didn’t pick you. Maybe in some weird way, because she said she feels closest to you, she figured you would be understanding and not as hurt if she picked the others (I know that doesn’t really make sense but I swear, people think so differently you might be surprised). Good luck!!

Post # 11
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Everyone has their reasons for picking their attendants. I have 3 sisters and while it was a tough decision, I knew exactly who I wanted as my Maid/Matron of Honor. All my sisters will be in my wedding though. I think you should talk to her, let her know your concerns but don’t be overly confrontational about it. Let her give her perspective on why she chose who she did.

Post # 12
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You should talk with her and first find out why she didn’t choose you.  I didn’t pick my sister to be in my wedding.  It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make.  But we were not close she is stuffling financally and she is in a world of constant chaos and drama.  my 2 best friends were more of a sister than she could ever be at this point in her life.  I had to sit down and have a heart to heart with her.  In the end she understood, wasn’t happy, but understood.  But believe me … it was a very hard decision to make.  Find out her side of the story first.

Post # 13
2641 posts
Sugar bee

A ” no” is my vote for personal attendant.  Give me a beak.

This whole scenario is odd.  She didn’t want the others sisters to be hurt, but then put one of them in and not you?  I get that she was in that sister’s wedding, but was she in yours too?  If it is your weight, I think that is a cruddy reason, and probably one day  she’ll feel terrible about it.

Personally, I would tell her how hurt yu are.  Sure, brides can pick who they want, but please.  She is your sister, and you truly feel like you are close, cvloser than your other sisters, even.  You said you talk weekly, if not daily.  What’s her beef?  I don’t think she whould be treating you like this.

Post # 14
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i don’t know where your sister is coming from and it is best not to assume (like they say, “when you assume, you make an a$$ out of u & me).

in regards to your relationship, maybe it’s one-sided and she doesn’t feel the same way about you? whatever the case, she is not being nice and obviously has not taken your feelings into consideration. if you don’t speak up now, things could be worse later.

write her a letter. not an email, but an old-fashioned hand written letter. tell her how you feel. read it a few times. make any edits until you are certain that you have told her how her actions have hurt you and how disappointed you are considering how close you feel your relationship is, without being snarky or calling her names. make sure you tell her the good things about how you feel about your relationship and about her as a person (up until this point, anyway).

then mail it to her. let her read it on her own time. hopefully, she will sit down and read it and absorb it without reacting immediately. just make sure you are clear and state what actions of hers hurt you. tell her what would make you feel good and why. and let her know that in the end the decision is hers, but if she still chooses to only have you as a slave…err…personal attendant, then you will have to politely decline. tell her you will be there to support her as a guest instead.

i’m sorry you have to go through this. i’m sure it must feel awful. just know that everything happens for a reason. there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. keep us updated. good luck.

Post # 16
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Ooof.  Yeah, personal attendant to me means “do everything the bridesmaids do, but don’t get the recognition for it.”  I’d talk to her, but make it like, “Hey, I know you can pick whoever you’d like to be a bridesmaid, but I was pretty hurt by the fact that you didn’t ask me.  What’s going on?”

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