(Closed) Not planning to have a full wedding Mass, but uber-Catholic mom is expecting one

posted 10 years ago in Catholic
Post # 1
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hi Bees,

I know there have been a few threads about deciding whether to have a full Mass if you’re marrying a non-Catholic, and my apologies if this post is sort of repetitive, but I need some advice. My fiance is Protestant (Unitarian) and I’m Catholic, but we are getting married in a Catholic church next year.

Our priest will not do a full Mass since we are an interfaith couple (which I agree with, since it highlights our differences rather than unites us), and has told us that the diocese will not allow it. We are both fine with that, and my fiance has even considered inviting his Unitarian minister to co-officiate. Most of our guests are not Catholic, too, so not many of them will be able to take communion anyway.

The thing is, my super-Catholic mom is fully expecting the whole shebang–full Mass, communion music, even a unity candle–but I haven’t told her about our arrangements with our priest. I sort of brought it up obliquely, and she reacted so negatively at the thought of not having a nuptial Mass that it makes me really scared to tell her what our arrangements are.

I’ve brought it up with my fiance and he says he understands, but he doesn’t want to do the full Mass, since he and his family wouldn’t feel very comfortable with it. I think it’s only fair, since he agreed to get married in the Church in the first place.

I can already tell that my mom will be VERY upset about this and will probably consider our marriage invalid if we don’t have a Mass. She’ll probably try forcing me to get a dispensation to have the Mass, point out that her friends have had children who’ve had the full Mass even though they’ve married non-Catholics, or even boycott the wedding. She can be pretty unreasonable when it comes to matters of religion, and is VERY difficult to reason with. (All you Filipina brides out there with Catholic moms will get my meaning.) 

I’m so torn about what to do!! I don’t want to piss her off, but I don’t want to exclude my fiance and his family too. What should I tell her? When? I know this is really our decision as a couple in the end, but how can I be diplomatic about this??

Any advice would help, thank you!

Post # 3
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

There are Catholic traditions you can add to your wedding to make it more of what she expects without going threw the whole thing. My step-sister did the unity candle and neither of them are catholic and I have known people who aren’t Jewish who do the breaking of the glass. They like what it stands for so they do it even though they don’t follow the tradition. I’m sure you can lay out the basics of a Catholic wedding and have him see what he is comfortable with and have them in there with your own stuff as well since your priest won’t allow a full Catholic wedding anyway.

Post # 4
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do you think you could get the priest to talk to your mom about the fact that your ceremony will still be vaiid under the catholic church even if it doesn’t include communion.  Maybe if it came from someone like him, it would be more accepting.

Like you my mom is very strict catholic, and I had a non mass ceremony. She was not happy about it.  It was rough the few weeks before my wedding but you know what my relationship with my mom is back to normal a year after the wedding. 

I’ve learned this from my sister’s wedding.  She actually had a non-denominational wedding so my mom was furious.  Anyway, my sister told me that my mom would put up a fight for a catholic mass before the wedding and make us feel like we are making the wrong decision. She gave us both the 3rd degree and it was tough.  But the one thing I learned is… my mom will eventually get over it.

Good luck!

ETA: Oh, you mention that you are afraid, that your mom might boycott the wedding.  Yeah, I thought about that too and I had to accept the fact that if she did, she would regret it. I couldn’t be upset about it because I knew that was something that might happen and so I convinced myself that if she didn’t come that I wouldn’t be upset.  Luckily, my mom and my aunt… both strict catholics came to my wedding.  So I’m glad they decided to get over it and come to my wedding.

Oh, I also re-read your post and saw that you are from the philipines.  I’m not philipino but I am veitnamese.

Oh, I didn’t want to tell you this because my way of telling my mom wasn’t the best way. But I actually talked to my mom about 6 months before the wedding.  I didn’t understand the question she was asking me because she was speaking in veitnamese. I said yes.  After I said yes, I realized the question she was asking me was about the mass at my wedding.  I sort of had a little white lie.  I took it as a way to keep my mom off my back for a few months, so we could make decisions on other parts of the wedding. I ended up tell her 2 days before the wedding.  (hehe, yeah, I wouldn’t recommend waiting that long.) But I guess in the end, she wasn’t that pissed. She still came.

Post # 5
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Having or not having a full Mass is very personal.  It is about you and your FH relationship with God.  I choose to not go with the full Mass because of my family.  I have my dad’s cousin who is a priest and my uncle who is a deacon.  I was originally doing a full Mass for everyone but us!  It was our deacon and priest at our parish who pointed that out.  The difference between the full Mass and not is communion.  In fact our priest noted that more and more couples are not doing the full Mass.  Maybe speak to you priest and then have HIM reason with your mother.  Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
4122 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, luckily, one thing you shouldn’t worry about. The unity candle is NOT a Catholic tradition, NOT a part of the Rite of Marriage and in a lot of churches is no longer allowed! If she puts up a fight on that, just inform her that it’s a SECULAR tradition not apart of the Rite of Marriage and is not Catholic in ANY way.

Obviously however, the mass is the largest part. The main thing to know, is that with a Catholic (non-mass) wedding, EVERYTHING is the same, just without communion. That is the only thing different and you are still validly married in the Catholic church. Because you are marrying a non-Catholic it’s not uncommon for there to not be a full mass. But it in no way means your marriage is “less Catholic” and honestly, In my own experience, knowledge really is power. If your mom fights you on it Challenge her on how your marriage will not be valid within the church. Granted, for my husband and I as two strongly practicing Catholics, the Eucharist was very important to us to have… but was he not Catholic… it wouldn’t have made sense for the first thing we did to be a “separation.” As we are both Catholic, our first unitive act was to receive Christ in communion, but you can’t do that… so why have your first act be separative? 

You can always have the priest talk to her, but if she WAS to try and “boycott” the wedding you should point out to her that she is in fact boycotting the church not you, not trusting in the church, and putting her will above God’s.

I’m truly sorry you are in this position, however, you are still getting married in the church, so she’s being silly if she flips. 

Post # 7
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I just want to point out a few things:

Your fiance isn’t considered to be a Christian by the Catholic Church. I only point this out because if your fiance was a Christian, you would have a choice regarding a Nuptial Mass or a Rite of Marriage without Mass.  However, Unitarians deny the Trinity and Original Sin, and are considered to be non-Christians for that reason.  Because of this, your marriage would be a Natural Marriage and not a Sacramental Marriage.  It would be incredibly (as in next to impossible) to be granted a dispensation for a Nuptial Mass for a Natural Marriage.

If your mother argues that a Rite of Marriage is not a valid marriage, then she’s not being “uber-Catholic”, she’s being anti-Catholic.  Openly denying such a teaching from the Catechism is actually a sin.  I’m not so sure how you could explain that in a way that prevents World War III, but I’m sure a priest can come up with a tactful way to do it. 

 

Post # 8
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would try to get your mom to talk to the priest or to have your priest write a letter to your mom about the arrangements addressing any concerns she has about the wedding being invalid.

By The Way, the unity candle is not a part of the Catholic nuptial Mass and a lot of younger priests are now doing away with it.

Post # 9
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

 I’m going to second and third everyone else and see if the priest can talk to your mom because obviously she’s not going to listen to you. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

When I told my mom that we weren’t having a full mass, she was definitely disappointed.  Even though we could (since both I and Fiance are Catholic), the priest actually advised against it (which we were relieved about b/c we didn’t want one either for a handful of reasons).  When I told her that it was the priest’s idea, that definitely softened the blow.  More and more couples are doing it this way, and it’s nothing new (I know some retirees who also didn’t have a full mass).  So, if she’s going to have a problem with it, I would agree that it might help to have the priest speak with your mom. 

One thing that I’m probably going to do is definitely go to mass with my mom either on the big day or day before to celebrate the Eucharist so hopefully that will help too.

Post # 11
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I kinda had that issue, I am the non-Catholic, and it was my catholic fiance who decided on not doing a full mass. His mom was a little disappointed, but once she realized it was MY FIANCE’S choice not to have one, she was okay with it. (I sometimes think she thinks I make all the decisions or something.) Our wedding is still considered a “sacred ceremony” by our church though(their words). We are still doing things like a unity candle and flowers to the Blessed Mother.

Post # 12
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Thanks, everyone, for all the advice! I will probably have my priest talk to her myself if she puts up a fight. I think that the best thing I could do is just lay it all out on the table as early as possible and get it over with, and what she does with it from now until then is her choice. You are all right, this is our decision as a couple, and she will just have to deal with it. You guys are all awesome!

Post # 13
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

View original reply
@chowbella: I really think the best way to approach this fight is with knowledge.  She probably assumes that a Wedding without Mass is a “less Catholic” wedding, which is not the case at all. 

Post # 14
Member
4122 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Perhaps start with a “Hi mom, I met with Fr. so and so over at St. Awesome’s and got some of the stuff for our wedding figured out.”

Then start to talk about your pre-cana; meetings, etc… and then gently go into something like “The service will be at 2pm with Fr. ___.” if you really need to just tell her it’s church policy and explain that you’re still completely married in the church and Fr. can answer any further questions you have. 

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