Post # 1
I’m not sure there’s an answer to fix how I’m feeling, but I’m just wondering if any of you have felt like this, and if so, how you dealt with it.
My backstory… i’m 30 and married a little over 2 years. I was ready to TTC about a year before my husband, but waited not so patiently until he was ready. I got pregnant my first/second cycle of trying (technically second cycle, but first cycle I missed O). I then had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. (Devastated.)
August was our first month TTC after my MC– unsuccessfully.
So now we are onto MONTH 7 of TTC. I never thought this would be us. I never assumed we’d get pregnant the first time, but I always thought that I’d get pregnant within the first few months. I never imagined that 7 months later I still wouldn’t be pregnant.
I have quite a few friends that are pregnant right now, and lately, I HATE the way I am feeling about it. I’m happy for them, but I am SO SO SO sad for myself. Inside, I feel like stomping my feet and yelling “It’s not fair!” I find myself keeping my distance from my pregnant friends. Normally, I would be showering them with gifts and cards and all sorts of things to share in their excitement. But now, it’s all I can do to send an occasional text to say “thinking about you… hope your pregnancy is going well.” I feel bad, because this is SUCH an exciting time for my friend and I’m not sharing that excitement. In fact, I’m DISTANT.
And to top it off, when my friend first told me she was pregnant, I was happy for her, but disappointed that we weren’t trying yet (bc my hubs wasn’t ready). So I told myself that as long as I was pregnant before she gave birth, then it would be ok. I really thought I’d be pregnant by the time she was 4 or 5 months along. But nope. I KNOW it’s not a competition in any way. I just want to be pregnant & have a baby. Instead, I got pregnant and went through the devastation of a miscarriage, to be left with nothing.
I know I’m not a bad person for feeling this way… I just don’t know how to work through these feelings!!!
Post # 3
I know it’s hard but don’t be so hard on yourself! Really you haven’t been trying for 7 months, it’s only been 2 or 3 cycles that you have really tried. Plus you are still pretty young so don’t stress yourself out too much yet.
Post # 4
Sorry you are feeling bad. Don’t beat yourself up. At least you are still checking on your friend.
Post # 5
I understand, a friend of mine who was not TTC and had told me she wouldn’t be ready to TTC for several more years announced her pregnancy. I felt so down and even cried over it, I couldn’t get over the feeling of ‘It’s not fair!’. I felt like, with my m/c, I was supposed to be pregnant and that it was unfair that my friend who didn’t even necessarily want to be, was. I, too felt terrible for feeling that way but I couldn’t help it.
I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. Don’t get too down on yourself for something that is probably part of your natural grieving process after your m/c. Life goes on and it gets better, but there are definitely days when it comes back to kind of haunt you and you just feel really sad. In any case, it will happen for you. Each cycle is a new chance and new hope for a baby 🙂 Hugs!
Post # 6
This is a totally normal feeling, even though it sucks. For some reason it’s a very common cause of jealousy. Most women will understand how you are feeling.
Post # 7
I could have written this post (minus the miscarriage). I think everything is normal. What has helped me to not feel so bad is that I’ve stopped imagining being pregnant or having a baby by Christmas, so-and-so’s wedding, by the time her baby is born, etc. When those occasions come and go and still no pregnancy, it makes it hurt that much more.
Post # 8
You need to go check out the pity party that has been the TTC and Still Going list (espeically the first thread). I think this feeling goes in waves and I also think it’s nearly impossible not to have it. Sorry : ( I wish all of us could just get pregnant now!! Hugs.
Post # 9
Sigh. I feel like I could have written this post. Except substitute age 31 for age 30. Been TTC since January – got pregnant on cycle 3, but miscarried. Now on cycle 3 post miscarriage (but it’s been 8 total months TTC). Like you, we got married 2 years ago and waited awhile to TTC. I wasn’t ready until late last fall and then we waited until after I had eye surgery to TTC. Darling Husband was “ready” when we started TTC but certainly wouldn’t have minded if it took a bit of time.
You are not alone and your feelings are natural…
I totally get it that it’s “only” been a few cycles of active TTC – but you have been doing everything in your power to have a baby for 7 months. So it hasn’t only been a few months. And it doesn’t matter that you have only gotten a few BFNs. It’s been on your mind and in your thoughts for 7 whole months. The miscarriage adds another layer of hurt and confusion to the process.
I have lived through friends announcing their pregnancies and having their babies all while we have been TTC. I have felt left out even though all of my friends have been very inclusive and know what’s going on. Literally only one of my friends is not pregnant/ have a newborn but she only recently started trying. I definitely distanced myself from a lot of people. I think it’s a natural coping mechanism, even if it’s not the right thing to do.
One thing that has helped me is planning stuff in my life that is not baby friendly. Ie, a trip to Vegas in a few months. If I am pregnant before then…sweet! If not, I’ll be up gambling all night and enjoying champage. Like @lotam said, it also helps for me not to think that I will be pregnant at holidays, weddings, events or that I will have a baby by X month. I still think about it, but try to force it into more of a fleeting thought than an actual mindset. Not sure if this makes sense.
I don’t have much other advice to offer to you because I have failed kinda miserably at relaxing, not thinking about TTC constantly, and not feeling sorry for myself. It comes in waves and some days are much better than others. The only thing that keeps me going is my baby is going to be SO worth the wait. Yours will be, too : ) We are all here for you in the meantime!
Post # 10
This is what I do when I am totally jealous of one of my friends (job promotion, engagement, new chanel bag, etc.) I keep reminding myself that her success has NOTHING to do with me. I repeat it over and over in my head and it actually really helps. It makes me disassociate my situation from hers and I am able to feel genuinely 100% happy for her. It’s tough and kind of a shame I even have to do that in the first place, but hey I totally understand where you’re coming from.
Try to remind yourself that having a baby isn’t the only thing that can bring you joy in life. You are fortunate for many other things, having a wonderful husband and great friends for starters, and you’re only hurting yourself by getting so hung up on the fact that you haven’t conceived yet.
And hey, I had a friend who was so consumed with her own situation (single) that it took her MONTHS to actually be happy for me meeting Darling Husband, getting engaged and married. I saw her physically struggle through it – she would make underhanded comments about us at first and any time I had good news about our relationship she just brushed it off with a comment like ‘Oh you’ve only been dating for 6 months, it’s really not a big deal at this point”. It hurt really bad and I almost had to defriend her because of it. I think she eventually saw how hurt I was though and she did make an effort to be more positive and not dwell on her own situation 100% of the time. So my point is, try to think about how unfair it is to your friends that you aren’t there for them 100% because of jealousy.
Post # 11
@HopingToBeaMama:I totally understand how you feel. I’ve been trying to be positive but I’ve been throwing myself a pity party too. I just feel such a strong pull to be a mother and it’s literally always on my mind, even before we were officially trying. It hurts just knowing that I’m not and since my MC it’s definitely been worse.
One of my best friends is pregnant. She hasn’t told us yet (I think because they found out the week after we miscarried and they’re trying to be sensitive). She’s told most of our other friends and it just made me more bitter that she hasn’t told us yet. Now she and her husband have been trying to schedule something with us and I’m just dreading seeing them. I am SO excited that they are pregnant because they’ll be amazing parents but I’m just sad for myself that I’m not.
It’s completely normal and you’re not alone!
Post # 12
@moderndaisy:Your post is a really helpful and insightful one! I know I’m not the OP but just reading it (especially the first paragraph about how their success has nothing to do with you) gave me a really good, different perspective to approach this from so I wanted to say thanks for posting it! 🙂