Post # 1
Me- 24, college grad, solid job, no debt and saving
Him- 30, college grad, decent job (considering local economy), very little debt and saving
I want to get married. He says he’s not ready.
I don’t like living together before marriage (which we pretty much are) and my family doesn’t agree with it. He thinks its necessary.
I want to discuss this like grown adults. He back pedals.
My friends are getting married/engaged. None of his friends are but they all live with their gfs.
I’m not sure where to go with this…..But I am very hurt by one specific comment he made which can be summed up this way, “I would marry you if you were pregnant but I’m not ready to marry you right now (because you are not)”
Please offer me some advice because I am so very lost and having mixed emotions right now.
Post # 3
Also, he wants me to quit my job and move with him when he finds a new job. He tells me how to spend or save my money. He pretty much tells me once my lease (apt is in my name, he moved into it from his parents) is up in the next few months, I’m moving into a bigger place.
Post # 4
I think being financially stable/having jobs is definitely a part of “being ready” but being emotionally ready is equally as important. The thing you need to try to figure out in all honesty is whether he is simply not ready YET (due to you perhaps not dating long enough?) or if he’s just not ready to marry you because you’re not “the one” (even if he can’t articulate that in his mind). You’re the only one who will really be able to tell that.
If you don’t want to live with someone before you get married, I would stick to your guns on that. Don’t get pressured into living with him as some kind of pre-marriage test because honestly once he’s living with you it seems like he’d be even less likely to propose.
Maybe you should talk to him about his timeline and when he sees himself getting married/having kids/etc? I feel like 30 years old (and financially stable) is old enough he should be seriously consiering these things. If he isn’t, I’d probably leave because either you’re not the one, or he’s not mature enough to marry anyways.
Post # 5
ditto Corgi. it sounds like he’s pressuring you to do things that go against your value system, not respecting your ability to make decisions for yourself or your career, and in general isn’t communicating with you on an adult level. none of that sounds good, to be honest… if you’re head over heels for him (despite these issues), you’re going to have to find a way to communicate with him/come to agreements b/c otherwise this pattern of dictating your life choices is going to continue; if you’re not okay with that, then now would be a better time to address it than later. good luck going forward, and never feel bad about standing up for what is really important to you, no matter how that fits in with what “everyone else” is doing.
Post # 6
Wait a minute. He tells you how to spend your money and tells you that you are going to get a bigger place?!? And you put up with this nonsense why?
I know that I don’t know the guy, but he sounds like a controller and a manipulator. And getting married/living together will only make this worse. Trust me, I was married to one for awhile.
Post # 7
I’m like your SO. I wouldn’t want to marry somebody without having lived together first. I worry that many of the divorces that happen in the first year are the result of finally living together and learning a lot about eachother that you didn’t know. That, and the added pressure of having it be “for the rest of your life” could really mess things up.
Obviously, since I’m on a wedding site, the fact that I wanted to live together first does not mean that I never want to get married. If your SO is anything like me, then this just means that he’s cautious.
Post # 8
@Sugaree:Trust me, I was married to one for awhile.
So was I…and he did the same type of ‘controlling’ behavior..
.Im not saying your SO is terrible or anything but I would try letting him know now (before you guys do get married) that you will decide how you spend your $ and when/where you move. (since you guys are not married it should be your choice what you do). Maybe becasue he is a little older than you he just figures he needs to ‘help’ you with these decisions. Hope it all works out!
Post # 9
I think you were able to put in words something that I was trying to think of in response to my other (very appreciated) repliers. I believe he feels a need to “help.” I admit I can be a very spontaneous purchaser and I have gotten that under control from shopping with him. On the other hand, these decisions aren’t his responsiblitiy which irks me.
I do love him very much and he truely compliments me and enhances me and my life. (now I sounds like a total corn ball)….but its true.
@corgi I agree…at 30 you should be able to know
Post # 10
In regards to my career- my job isn’t the most glamorous, nor do I see it as my long term career but I feel as if everything I’m supposed to do needs to directly mirror what he wants.
I want to talk to him about these things but, like I said, he back pedals….
Might him being babied by his mother have anything to do with this? He loves that I’m such a great cook…
Post # 11
Any thoughts on this “if you were pregnant” thing?? That was a huge WTF thing to me but I just didn’t feel like talking anymore after that.
Post # 12
That, along with the “help” he is giving you is indeed a huge WTF thing. He can’t marry you unless you are knocked up, but he expects you to be a stay-at-home-“wife”, cook his meals, and be financially dependent on him without the at least a legal commitment? WTF?
Post # 13
My take on the “if you were pregnant” thing is that he’s willing to step up and be responsible (which is a good thing!) but he’s not really ready for marriage yet.
Look, if he says he’s not ready and you push, cajole and coerce him into it, it’s not going to end well–you might end up married but I doubt it would be happily ever after.
The other parts? No way would I let a man I’m not even engaged to tell me how to spend my own money. Even though Fiance and I live together (and I do really recommend that: you learn so much about a person when you’re sharing space, but I know some prefer not to; if I’d lived with my ex-husbands before marrying them I might not be a 3rd time bride this time around, know what I mean?) we are both responsible only for paying our own parts of the bills, the rest is up to each to spend or save as we want.
I’d have a heart-to-heart with him. Tell him you’re not comfortable living together before marriage, if you are not, and tell him to butt-out when he’s all up in your finances. This isn’t even about a ring, it’s about boundaries and respect. Demand it now or you’ll never get it from him. (And, yes, guys like to “help” and “fix”, but unless you asked for his financial guidance, it’s not his place.)
Post # 14
@jpalm13: You really need to be upfront and discuss this with him. If you two can’t communicate, it won’t be a happy relationship or marriage. My Fiance used to be horrible at communicating, it takes practice and time, but it can get easier. Tell him what you told us, including that the pregnant comment hurt/offended/surprised/etc you, and don’t let him evade the question, tell him you need to truly discuss this. You both need to be on the same page with marriage, living together, kids, and everything, even if your timelines are a little different, I think having similar values and wants in life are pretty important. I hope you can work things out, keep us updated!
Post # 15
I didn’t read all the responses, but my response to him telling me when and where I would move when he move would be “if there’s not a ring on this finger, I ain’t goin.”
Post # 16
My SO helps me manage my money. I am a frivolous spender and he is much more inclined to save money– however he has only given gentle guidance rather than direct me what to do with my money. I’ll ask him if he thinks something is a good purchase or I’ll tell him if I’m nervous about money and he’ll give me advice– he’s never been controlling about it. How does your SO treat you when he directs you how to spend? Is he treating you like a child and manipulating you?
Also if you don’t want to live together before marriage, don’t live with him. Stick to your guns. Don’t think that by moving in with him you will suddenly convince him to marry you, or that he’ll see how wonderful it is to have you around and pop the question. You can get the same experience of living with someone by spending a lot of time with them, going on vacations, and having excellent communication.
He sounds like he’s making excuses and he’s not going to commit the way you want him to do.