Not ready to have kids but age

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

These things are exactly why I am fence-sitting right now.  I always thought I wanted kids and now I’m just not sure.  I like my life.  A lot.  I think a lot of parents do a good job balancing, but seeing my friends who have kids and how relieved they are to get time away from their kids because it happens so infrequently…I dunno.  It makes me wonder if I really want kids or if I want kids because society tells me I should want kids.  I’m turning 29 on Wednesday and I honestly don’t even see myself having kids within the next 5 years.  I could see myself and my husband adopting a child however.  An older child, like a school-aged child.  I’m coming to peace with these decisions.  It took me a long time to realize I may never have a biological child.  Honestly it was hard to admit to myself, but now that I’ve looked into some of the options, I am feeling more confident in my choice to not have kids in the near future.

Post # 4
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Well if you are planning to marry in 2 years and you would like to wait a couple years after that to spend quality alone time with your husband, that puts you at around 31 years old before you even start to try for kids and gosh only knows how you’re going to feel then or how long it will take to conceive. It’s a silly thing to worry about now.

What do you mean you don’t mentally feel like an adult yet? 

Post # 5
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

the average childbearing age for people with advanced education is very different than the american average.  I know that all of my friends had babies after 30. (Altogether 6 babies in the past 3 years)  I think their average was 32 years?

So anyway.. you have time.  You’re not considered geriatric until 35, and you can always freeze your eggs as you get closer to that date.

And, to finish off with a graph to make you feel better. (from the US census: https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2014/demo/p20-575.pdf)

notice “bachelors degree or more” peaks 30-34.  It makes sense–people dont want kids until they’ve had a few years to establish their careers.. the longer you’re in school, the later you establish your career.

Post # 6
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Why not just prepare to have children later? Sure, there are risks in your mind to late thirties, but there are risks in your mid to late twenties as well. There are just always risks. Do what works for you. 

It sounds like you’re not looking forward to the lifestyle. That’s OK! At least you’re self aware enough to acknowlege this. Better to hold off on a few years and be an “older” mom. but at least you’ll be in the zone… Mentally.

Up until recently the tought of staying in on a Saturday night to watch my baby blop around on a mat made me want to puke, lol. Now? I’m actually looking forward to putting away my high heels and busting out the mom slippers. Or trading in my Friday evening yoga classes for play dates.

I think when the time comes, you’ll know and everything will work itself out. I think you’re putting pressure ony ourself to want to want this now and it’s 100% OK if you don’t.

 

Post # 8
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

amanda1988 :  Holy crap what an insightful graph. The section of women with less than a high school education 24 and under is… Sad.

Post # 10
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

akshali2000 :  Consider the changes you will make when you are married, too. Not saying you still won’t work late hours and come home as you please, but your relationship when living together might (and probably will) take on a different nature. In a LDR, you aren’t used to anyone relying on you to come home for dinner, or spend time outside of your normal visiting times. 

When you have kids, sure things change. But they don’t have to change as drastically as you are making them seem. You can still live life, go to dinner, travel, hang out with friends, go to the grocery store with a child. It’s a less self-focused way of living, of course…but things don’t have to COMPLETELY change as you are worried about. Parenting is not a one-man/woman show, you can share duties with your partner and decide things like, I have to work late 2 nights a week, so you’re on baby duty..or I need that girls night out and he can watch the child. 

It sounds to me more like you should re-evaluate the desire to even want children vs feeling sociatal pressure to have them at this time. Especially if you aren’t ready to put that child’s needs before your own.

Post # 11
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

WesterosBarbie : I mean, if they didn’t finish high school then presumably they’ve been in the workforce for anywhere from 3 to 10 years by that point (making the assumption that if you make it to being an 18 year old in high school you’re gonna graduate, on average.)  Though perhaps I’m being too optimistic about what the story in that demographic is.

The 15-19 age group is fascinating.  Why is it teenagers who have a high school degree are ~2x more likely to have had a baby in high school than teenagers who didn’t finish high school?  I totally would’ve assumed the opposite, that having the kid meant dropping out, thus creating a correlation. What’s the story there?!

Post # 12
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I really wanted kids and had them in my early 30s.  I would have had them earlier if I could but I didn’t meet my Darling Husband till later.  My reasons for wanting to have them earlier was so I can be younger to enjoy spending more time with them!  Haha.

With saying that… it’s tough!  I’m used to love my free time to do whatever the heck I wanted but now I don’t remember when the last time I had a good chuck of free time to myself.   I have resorted to playing iPhone games in the minutes I have free just to get my mind cleared out a bit. 

I’m either working or I’m taking care of my kids.  That’s it.  It’s been like this for a while… the first few years I was okay with that but now I wish I had a few hours every so often to just do whatever I wanted.  I have somehow managed to carve out some time on Sunday mornings which help.  But there is no way we can travel on a moment’s notice.   Eating out is tough too… we do take out if we really don’t feel like cooking but most of the time we just cook at home so much easier.

I think it will definitely get better but the early years are rough.  I’m saying this as someone that also has a husband that helps a lot with child care and local family that helps a lot with child care.  So you might want to consider those factors too since you said you didn’t have local family… but another questions is how much help would your husband be?

So all your fears are really valid!  BUT to me… having kids was definitely worth it.

Post # 14
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

akshali2000 :  Well, as someone pregnant with my second kid at 35 (had my first at 32) and was NOT ready for kids at 27, I think you have time and shouldn’t worry too much. I thought you were going to be 37 instead of 27…..

Post # 15
Member
3884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Why would you necessarily have to forego a second biological child if you had the first one at 32?? You’d still have heaps of time to have another! The idea that pregnancy is practically impossible after 35 is a total myth. The studies which say that use very old data that doesn’t take into account modern science or improved living conditions. The most up to date studies have actually found that the success rate of getting pregnant after 35 is the same as before 35, it just might take a couple months longer. (Also, about half of fertility issues due to age are on the man’s side, but you never hear about that!)

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