(Closed) Not really engaged?

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You sound engaged, but most guys want to do an official proposal. If he’s not referring to you as is fiance then he probably doesn’t consider himself engaged. 

On the venue though- have you actually confirmed the date if you haven’t put down a deposit? Like, is is scheduled, or was it just available as of the time you talked to them. 

Post # 17
Member
10988 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
wannabee2019 :  

Ask him.  If you plan to marry the guy, you certainly should feel comfortable discussing your shared future.  If you would like to have a ring to formalize your engagement, say that.  Be direct.

Just please don’t resort to hint dropping.  That’s juvenile.

Post # 18
Member
10988 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
wannabee2019 :  

Why do you have to be ‘delicate’ about it?  He’s not fragile.  A successful marriage requires open, direct communication and that includes asking for what you want.

Post # 19
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Your engagement sounds a lot like mine. 

Me and my SO have spoken about getting married for a while. We even starting viewing venues before I had a ring. We found the ideal venue, had spoken to caterers and had an idea date in mind. Nothing had been reserved yet.

I then asked him ‘are we now officially engaged? Can I start telling people?’ He said ‘no, I would still like to propose’.

We chose a ring and 4 months later he proposed. 

Post # 20
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

We had a similar situation – we had discussed marriage for quite a long time, one day decided “how about next year”, and set about organising it and booking a venue. There was no proposal, although it’s worth noting that that’s exactly what I wanted, so this was perfect for us. Shortly after booking the venue we started telling people. Some months later I chose a ring I liked and bought it (our finances are combined so I guess technically we both bought it).

You really just need to speak to him about this – I don’t understand how people are willing to make a huge commitment like agreeing to spend the rest of their lives with someone but can’t talk to them about what’s on their mind! 

Edit – I’m not sure if it really is an engagement at this point if you’ve not booked anything and aren’t ‘officially’ telling other people. 

Post # 21
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

If it hasn’t been very long, I would just wait and be patient.  We did a similar thing – had a month/year in mind, contacted the venue to see about availability as we did a destination wedding in Italy.  I didin’t consider us engaged until he actually proposed.  I don’t doubt it is coming so I’d just wait and give him time for the proposal.  I expected we would get engaged on the next trip that we had planned and, sure enough, he proposed then.  

Post # 22
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
wannabee2019 :  if you’re concerned about sounding greedy, in the same breath that you mention a ring, also offer to help pay for it (ex: let’s find something *we* can afford to pay for; *i* have $x for a down payment on a ring).

 

Also, ask for a concrete date that you guys can start telling people. That’ll give you a clearer answer on your status.

 

Congratulations on your engagement, bee! 😃

Post # 23
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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Post # 24
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like you’re engaged 🙂 

However, I agree with PP and I think you need to sit down and talk everything through with the boyfriend.

Post # 25
Member
2652 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
wannabee2019 :  given how openly you two are talking about it if I were you I’d just ask. “Do you plan to propose to me, or did you consider our previous wedding discussions equivalent to a proposal, and if so, are you going to get me a ring?” My guess just based on what you’ve said is that he does consider the discussion and agreement to marry the same as a proposal and he will probably just tell you to pick out a ring. If that’s how it goes I’d suggest asking for a budget just to avoid the situation I’ve seen several times recently in posts where the man tells the woman to pick out a ring and then balks at the price of the choice she comes back with.

Post # 26
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
wannabee2019 :  I’m old school and don’t think you’re engaged until there’s a proposal and a ring.  Fiance and I went through the same thing.  We knew when we wanted to get married (down to the exact date) and picked out a venue.  We didn’t tell anyone except for our parents.  If you want a ring to feel engaged I suggest saying something like, “I’m really excited about our future and marrying you, but I don’t feel comfortable continuing to make wedding plans without being officially engaged.”

Post # 27
Member
2887 posts
Sugar bee

It’s very important to note that you are not engaged, unless both of you consider yourselves engaged. It does not at all sound like he considers you engaged, based off your OP.

I do agree with a lot of Bees on this site, that you don’t need a ring or proposal to be engaged. However, you can’t be engaged if only one person in a relationship considers themselves engaged. Many women have been in your place, and posted this question, and PPs are always quick to reassure them that since you’ve made an agreement to be married that you’re engaged. However, in the 1+ year I’ve been on this site, I’ve seen several of these threads get an update where the OP posts that she is not actually engaged, because after discussing with her boyfriend, he informed her that they were not engaged in his mind, they were just planning and discussing. Planning and discussing are not real unless you put action to them. Even then, I’ve seen Bees posting about actually putting down deposits on venues, then time passing, and losing the deposit because their SO was not ready to propose and didn’t see them as engaged until after he proposed. I’m not saying any of this is going to be you, but just be careful about running away with a discussion.

For myself, in January of the year my husband proposed, we started actively looking for a ring, deciding on a date, and looking at venues. I posted on this site in excitement as someone in “waiting,” and posters were saying that I was engaged and not waiting. I was not engaged, and I knew it. My then-boyfriend did not consider us engaged until he bought the ring and proposed. We still referred to each other as bf and gf. He proposed 4 months later. At that time, we both considered ourselves engaged, and we announced it to everyone.

TL;DR: You’re not engaged unless you both consider yourselves to be so, and based on your OP, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. You need to have a discussion to clarify where you stand.

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