Not sending thank you cards

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee

We sent thank you cards out at ours but have only ever received 1 thank you card back! I’m usually not too bothered if I attended the wedding but my cousins got married last year and we couldn’t attend (we live abroad) so we sent a huge amount of money for us (considering we rent, were pregnant and they are 10 years older than us and fully established). We didn’t receive any thank you at all, not even a text and i’m a bit annoyed by it. I don’t hold a grudge but it feels a bit disrespectful.

Post # 32
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

We plan on sending thank you postcards and added in our wedding budget, but now that I’m thinking about it in the last maybe 10 weddings I’;ve been to I have only ever received one thank you card after a wedding! Even the weddings that I couldn’t attend, but sent a gift I never got more than a text or phone call to say thank you. I never gave it much thought, but if someone travels from far and/or gets you a gift a proper thank you is necessary. 

Post # 33
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

I am up to about 50 or so weddings as a guest and have never received a thank you card. Not bothered by this at all but I run in a pretty alternative circle. Mostly artists and musicians so no traditional weddings here. 

I personally would rather be thanked in person than get mail that is just killing more trees and that I will throw away (or recycle depending on the material) … 

When I get married …. I will likely send cards to the older generations that attend but not to friends … we will keep the tradition of being properly thanked in person where the emotion can be felt ^_^ 

Post # 34
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If I don’t receive a thank you card, I worry that they didn’t receive my gift, especailly in the sort of situation you mention here where there was a “wishing well.” Who’s to say Uncle Tony isn’t going to get too drunk and skim some of the cards when nobody’s looking? I also don’t get the “thanking in person” thing unless they stood next to the wishing well and said “thank you” as each guest dropped in their expected offering. A general announced “thank you” to all the attendees of the wedding doesn’t count. (Now, if you’re talking about in person thanks to close friends where, say, you see them in person within a few weeks of the wedding and thank them and mention how much you loved the x they gave you, then that’s a totally different story and I would think perfectly ok.)

I believe a thank you note is a required social courtesy both to thank the giver specifically, individually, for the gift as well as to confirm receipt. It also makes people feel happy to know their generosity is appreciated- I know I always enjoy receiving one, plus who nowadays doesn’t enjoy getting mail?

We had 200 people at our wedding (plus more invited who couldn’t make it who still sent gifts) and I had all my notes out by 6 weeks after the wedding. (The 2-week honeymoon got a bit in the way there.)

Post # 35
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I get why thank you cards are the right thing to do and I will definitely write them after my own wedding but I have never once cared if I received one. I know that it is a huge time consumer and that people stress over them and I don’t want anybody to put that much effort into thanking me. I feel like most people write them because they are supposed to. Everybody else got one too and it was probably extremely similar to yours. I don’t feel at all like a person is ungrateful for my gift if they don’t hand write me a card. But, that is just me and I know that it isn’t a popular opinion so I’ll keep the tradition going. 

Post # 36
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’ll be sending thank you cards because it’s expected, but honestly i think they are a waste of money. I’d much rather make a 15 min call to everybody to express my gratitude for them coming and the gift. I feel like it’s a lot more personal and interactive than a paragraph thank you. 

Post # 37
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

bibliophilacticbee :  I would definitely consider that a valid alternative to a thank you note! Especially if you have few enough guests that you’re able to do that. I’m a big thank you note defender but I see nothing wrong with a personal phone call in lieu. It’s still a personal, individual expression of thanks.  

Post # 38
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

its really very simple. if you go to a wedding, you bring a card. if you go to a wedding, you should receive a thank you card. there is no instance where this shouldnt happen. its black and white. send thank you cards people!

Post # 39
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

I do think it’s becoming less and less common. I don’t care about getting a card necessarily, it can be a text, Facebook message, email. I’m all for not spending the money on postage and adding to waste for a card that’s honestly just going in the trash once I read it but at least let me know you got the gift! I sent my cousin a baby shower present months ago and never heard anything about it. For all I know the box didn’t make it or was stolen off the porch or whatever. It is really rude. 

Post # 40
Member
11969 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Written thank you notes do take a little more effort than a text, an email or a thanks in person when you happen to see the person. That’s the point. People took the time to pick a gift you would like or spent money on it and a thank you should reflect some proportional effort on your part. 

Post # 41
Member
7663 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My grandmother stopped giving my cousins gifts for awhile when they were teenagers because their mom was still writing their thank you notes (which to my aunt was better than nothing). Without any indication from the receipient that her gifts were received and appreciated she said it was a fools errand to keep giving to ungrateful people. I fully agree with her. My daugher is 1.5 and still have her sit with me while I write thank you notes for her gifts and then have her decorate the card with scribbles or stickers or whatever. Grown-ass adults that can’t send a card don’t get more gifts from me! 

 

Post # 42
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

I feel like we should declare a moritorium on thank you cards. Its irritating to do, feels pro-forma when received, and is like the only time in peopels’ lives when we suddenly revert to 1940s etiquitte norms. I’m always weireded out when I receive them. Just say thanks when you see me like normal interactions…

Post # 43
Member
1713 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

We never received a thank you card from the 2 weddings we went to in 2018 and 1 of the ones in 2017. I’m still annoyed haha. 

I hand wrote out 100+ thank you cards for the wedding and 30-40 for our shower. It isn’t fun but it is a nice thing to do. 

I did just get one in the mail from our friends. We didn’t attend the wedding but sent a gift. 

Post # 44
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

It’s appalling to me to see how many people do not send thank you cards. How hard it is to write a little note to thank people for the effort they made to come see you? Regardless of what kind of effort they made (little to none because they lived down the street and just showed up in a suit or dress their already had, or giant like flying in from another country) they should be thanked for that effort and for participating in one of the biggest days of your life.

I sent thank you cards after my engagement party to every single guest. Regardless of if they got us a gift or not and I had them sent within a week of the party. 

The mentality of not spending more money? Thats ridiculous. Do it via email then! That doesnt cost anything but your time! Or even call people to thank them! I’m sure she has a cell phone plan!

Honestly its just appalling to me. People say chivalry is dead but it seems more like good manners are to me!

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