(Closed) Not Sharing Personal Details with Family

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think your request is anything out of the ordinary. You have a right to privacy about your OWN life. This is what marriage is. You stand up and you show up for the person you married. I’m sure there will come a day when he asks something of you that you don’t 100% agree with, but you do it because it means a lot to the other person and you stand by them no matter what. This might be his first marriage lesson that he needs to learn.

And by the way, calling it abusive is so over the top.

Post # 4
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

No. But he should be allowed to talk to someone. If you’re going to put certain people as off limits then try suggesting a counselor or a clergy person at your church or something. Personally, I don’t want my husband talking to his family when we have trouble, but I just let him do it. His mom’s only advice to him about anything ever is always “just lie to her, tell her this ____” and eventually he told me he didn’t like telling her anything because he hates how much she lies and doesn’t like that that’s the only advice he can get from her. Your issues are situational and something a lot of married couples could relate to, why not just let him talk about it and see how he actually likes them knowing his business? They may be supportive and helpful, or they may be a pain in the butt about it and he’ll stop wanting to tell them things.

The thing is, you really have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re going through something right now and his family could end up being a support system to help you through it. If telling his sister turns out to have a negative impact, it’s his responsibility as your husband to stick up for you.

Post # 5
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think your request is unreasonable. My H and I made the same agreement before we got married that we wouldn’t discuss our arguments with family. While I understand him needing to talk to someone, the problem with talking to a family member is that they will remember these issues long after you overcome them. If he isn’t comfortable talking to friends about this, maybe you could suggest an online forum or counselor for spouses affected by depression

Post # 6
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I agree that personal issues should not be discussed with family members. Maybe the two of you can see a couselor together. It would help with your depression and give hime somebody to talk to .

I agree with missmaine that calling that abuse is way over the top.

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s absolutely none of their business and your husband should respect that. I’m glad you guys are seeing a therapist. I also recommend individual therapy so that he can say the things he wants to say to his sister.

Fiance and I are still working on this. I have a minor form of a digestive disorder that can be very uncomfortable. Fiance used to tell his parents that it was acting up. I was mortified. His parents do not need to know what’s going on in my intestines. In the same way you want, “She’s having an adjustment period” I want, “She’s feeling under the weather.” His parents are nosey and meddling as well. 

Post # 10
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsConnick:  Gotcha. If they won’t step up and try to be supportive of you in this then I agree they’re not people to involve.

And he admitted to me last night he wants his mom to justify how he feels…


As I was reading how his mom acts I was thinking hmm… I think he just wants to complain to someone who will side with him haha. At least he acknowledges that he doesn’t have the best of intentions. That’s great that you’re going to counseling, they usually validate both people’s feelings so he’ll hopefully get what he needs there. 

Post # 11
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She sounds awful! Ugh, I’m sorry. And why does he need his mother to justify his feelings? This doesn’t sound like a great situation, but you definitely aren’t the one doing anything wrong here.

Post # 12
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@msfahrenheit:  This!  Also, as an semi-related add-on, we also agree that it is important not to talk about how frustrating the one family is to the other. (like “DH’s family seem so unreasable sometimes” or “LW’s family is so over-bearing!”) We find that the two families tend to cling to that type of stuff, but not necessarily cling to the resolution if/when we tell them about it.

We also both have outlets with certain friends who are willing to lend an ear. Our friends also tend to relate and be non-judgemental when we need to vent. (Part of the reason we love them!)

 

Post # 13
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Totally agree with @msfahrenheit and @SutSip. The reason he prefers to talk to his mom (because she’ll take his side and validate his feelings) is the very reason he shouldn’t, because it will gradually change the way she sees you. Is he calling his mom every time you do something nice for him? If not, she is only hearing the bad/annoying things, with no good things to balance it out.

So yes, I think it’s just fine not to discuss your personal details with family members. Of course this goes for both families. And calling this request abusive is really too much. You are not trying to isolate him from his family, you are just asking him to exercise some good judgment in the kinds of things he discusses.

Now that you’re married, you are your husband’s family, and his first priority should be to care for you and support you through a hard time, NOT go whining to his mother that your new marriage isn’t all rainbows and roses.

I hope things get better for you! Transitions can be rough but I’m glad you’re seeking therapy and hope it helps.

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I definitely agree that talking to family about wedding problems is a no-no. In fact in my marriage talking to anyone about personal problems is a no-no. I suppose if things got really bad we would follow the previous posters advice and seek a counselor. I just cannot think of a single situation in which sharing your marital problems with others turns out well. You and your husband share the day to day with each other, it is a relationship that cannot be explained or understood from outside, and you will make up with your husband but not with whoever his confidant was. 

Post # 15
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds like your Darling Husband needs to start learning what to and what not to share with his family.  Going to them with his problems with you is not going to help your relationship with them. 

I don’t think what you are asking is ‘abuse’ and would find it offensive he would call it that.  

I can understand that he feels a need to vent/get support from others, but not when it’s detrimental to you and your relationship with them.

IMO, he’s not being respectful in doing that.  Sure, his needs may be getting met, but it’s at the expense of you.  

I think if the two of you can’t work through problems and he has to seek outside support, than perhaps a MFT might be a good place to start.  

Post # 16
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I dont think this is abusive or out of the ordinary. My Fiance and I fought a lot during the 2nd year of our relationship about what we should and shouldn’t share with our families. It took a while but we finally have a boundary that we are comfortable with. I know in my case, I stopped wanting his family to have any details about me beyond what I decide to tell them.

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