Not So Brotherly Love

posted 3 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

  NikkiBee18 :  You know I couldn’t tell if it was the mom or the brother who was the Narcissist?  But maybe they both are.

Post # 18
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

grapesaregood :  Oh yes and we’ve come across a lot of it here on the bee.  I’ve learned so much just being a part of this site that I can’t even look at humankind in the same way.

Post # 19
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

sablescorpion22 :  Yeah it’s hard to tell. Like maybe the mom is the narcissist and baby bro is the golden child? Or maybe bro is the narcissist and mom is the enabler?

Post # 20
Member
5455 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

NikkiBee18 :  there’s also learned behaviors, the mother could have a mental illness and the brother is just behaving the way he’s been taught to behave.

Either way, it’s good to be distant from both of them 

Post # 21
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

grapesaregood :  I’m going to echo pp find a new therapist. I’m of the opinion that a therapist is like a significant other if it doesn’t work break up and find a new one lol. But I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It really sounds like a toxic situation. I think some distance from them will be refreshing to your mental health! Good luck 

Post # 23
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

grapesaregood :  I just saw this update. That’s rough. I’m sorry you didn’t get the family you deserve.

Take a deep breath and give yourself some time to grieve and feel all your feels. Allow yourself to take an indefinite time out from them so that you can start to unpack all this. It’s much easier to clear up your headspace when it’s not being repeatedly hijacked by the same people who caused your emotional turmoil to begin with. 

And while you’re taking that break I’d suggest therapy and/or doing some reading. Some books that have helped me:

Nice Girl Syndrome

Toxic Parents

Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents

Mothers Who Can’t Love

Boundaries

Emotional Blackmail

All the internet hugs, bee.

Post # 24
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

grapesaregood :  Wow, missed this too!  I hurt for you bee.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  At least now you know, its confirmed and you have something to actually grieve for.  In the meantime I think finding a good therapist would be really helpful for you.  Also, families aren’t always blood relatives ya know?  I bet you’ve got some really good friends who would love to call you sister.  Lean on them bee.

Super big hug.

Post # 25
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

How did I miss this?

I am so, so terribly sorry. Please take some time to grieve, and do something good for yourself that makes you feel happy and healthy – and takes your mind off of it for a bit. IF you can, maybe you can schedule a short vacation over the weekend with your fiance, or decide to finally adopt that pet, or go get a massage and a mani pedi. Insert extra joy in your life, you need it. 

Post # 26
Member
3023 posts
Sugar bee

grapesaregood :  im so sorry.

There is no reasoning with crazy.

I have issues with my family too, not to ths extent, but def. get guilted into a lot of things that i really have no business in. My brother and dad call when they need something and i feel EXTREME guilt if i say no. 

anyway, i know it hurts, but it really does show you who is important in your life. I am glad you have an understanding and comforting Fiance. At this point, id let the relationships go. If they reach out and seem to have changed (unlikely) you can decide what you want to do.

Most likely it will be your mom guilting you in to apologizing and talking to your brother, which is BS. I’d maintain a small/distant relationship with her (if you want) but shut down/end conversation  if brother comes up.

I hope you found a new therapist to help you with all this.

hugs 

Post # 27
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

Im sorry you are going through this. I think that sometimes some toxic families specially where parents are not strong leaders develop one person to sort of band against and it brings the rest of them together. I’m that person for my family and seems like you are that person for your family. There really is not anything you can do to fix it specially if they don’t even see it as a problem. You should just live your life the way you want. Obviously this is something that has gone on for a long time and unless all parties want to fix it, it’s not something that’s going to go away. Ignore your brother and move on with your life with less contact with your family 

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