Post # 1
I’m just curious how other women have approached the "involve-the-fiance" in the wedding planning details.
I’m a little frustrated, because though my fiance has made big decisions and will help me when I ask him or give his opinion when I ask, he just doesn’t seem to want to take any intiative and make this HIS wedding. He says I’m much better at details than he is, and that he is overwhelmed by the everything that has to be done (yeah…me too). He just wants us to be married, and in his defense, he wanted a small wedding, but that wasn’t going to happen w/ my family. In the process of doing this all for my family, it’s become more complicated than say, an elopement….but OTHER fiances get involved, so why has it been so hard for me to get him excited about planning for this one big day that signifies the rest of our lives together?? I’ve emailed him the planning websites w/ the password, showed him the wedding bee blogs, showed him the website I put together, but it’s just not triggering anything. I really want him to say, "yes, I want to do this, I"ll take care of it", but it just isn’t happening. I’m ASSIGNING him the task of finding the officiant. I even made the arrangements for the rehearsal dinner. If I waited any longer for him, I don’t think we would have even been able to make the appointment to see our potential rehearsal dinner venue.
I’ve told him all this, but I still feel like he won’t say, "I’m sorry you’re doing all of this, let me take care of this part of the wedding." I feel like I’m dragging an unwilling corpse through all of this planning, and it’s killing my buzz a little. We’ve got 4 more months to go….Any suggestions? What have other brides felt?
Post # 3
I think I’ve been pretty lucky. My Fiance wants to be involved. The problem is that he fixates on certain things (like the honeymoon, getting invitations ordered, passports, etc.) but doesn’t seem to care about things like the decor. While it frustrates me sometimes (like when I just want to look at pictures of decor or hairstyles and he is bugging me about choosing and sending invitations when we have several months before that’s even a problem), it’s also helpful. I’m a procrastinator. It’s not my favorite trait, but experience has shown me that I do some of my best work when I’m pushed. He’s pushing me to focus on the things I find less exciting than the actual wedding, and I’m encouraging him to think about other aspects and enjoy planning the only wedding we’ll ever have.
Sorry to hear your guy isn’t too involved. You sound super together, what with the planning everything and designing webpages. You said you’ve shown him all the stuff but is it possible he thinks you enjoy doing all of it and he doesn’t want to get in your way? I say let him know directly that you want him to be more involved. Keep after him for his opinions and keep assigning/offering him tasks (with due dates for motivation). Hopefully something will kick in and you’ll get some help! Good luck!
Post # 4
I’m pretty sure that for most men, the only time they think about weddings is when they need to get dressed for one. They don’t grow up dreaming about what their "big day" will be like, and I’m pretty sure they dont even realize that decorating for a wedding is something they need to plan for. They probably think that you show up and it’s just done for you by the venue itself:) For most men (who lets all be honest, decorate using empty alchol bottles until they get thrown out by us one day when they aren’t home) the thought of decorating something as important as a wedding is probably enough to make them hyperventilate!!!! I really think guy are afraid that they don’t know what the hell they’re doing, and they don’t want to do ANYTHING to mess up something so special. Hell, I have times when I look at decorations and feel like I have no idea what I’m doing!!!! I say, let him be as involved as he is comfortable with, and assign jobs that he can handle. Men appreciate direction:)
Post # 5
I’m hearing this a lot from a lot of different people and it surprises me! My fiance has been amazing. He wants to be completely involved. We’ve seen every vendor together, researched and come to decisions together, he did the hotel accomodations completely by himself, he booked our honeymoon flight after we decided on where we were going, he has been the one to prod ME to do more, to get more done. I thought I’d feel like I was pressuring him, but he WANTS to be pressured. After finding out that we had this weekend free, he said "Why don’t we do tuxes then and get those out of the way too?"
I feel like I’ve completely lucked out, to be honest. I don’t know WHAT I would’ve done if he was disinterested in the process and making it OURS.
Post # 6
I am having the same problems as you. I have assigned him tasks, but even have a hard time getting him to make a decision on those. I have to make him make a decision. He has been married before and had the huge elaborate wedding and tried to convince me to get married at the courthouse but I just wouldn’t have that because it wasn’t what I wanted. I just wish he would show a little more interest, this is his day too.
Post # 7
My fiance really doesn’t care to have anything to do with the wedding. He has social anxiety so even having a wedding is a huge step for him (and making him extremely stessed out). He just wanted to go to the courthouse and get married. He really has no desire for the public wedding, but he knows its what I really want. As far as planning I try to get him involved…I keep telling him its not my day, its our day, and his response is that "non of this stuff really matters, I just want to marry you. Having such and such linens instead of these isn’t going to make the day any better". He tells me to plan what I want and he’ll be there.
I think thats how most men are. Or at least the ones I know. The wedding part really is the womans day. Most of us have been dreaming about this day from birth (practically) as have our mothers, and we have this dreaM of how things should be. Not to mention most women love the chance to be "queen for a day". I’m trying to make it as much of a laid back intimate affair as possible to keep my fiance at ease. I will admit that he did get interested in the song playlist though. THats the only thing so far.
Post # 8
Mine was great. He helped make all the big decisions (venue, band, officiant, etc.) and gave input wherever asked on the others (linen colors, flowers, favors – he actually had real opinion on almost all of it, surprisngly!), but left the ultimate decision to me. He even helped with Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses! While I was in charge of the overall big picture, he did have a few things he completely owned – finding the band, rehearsal dinner music selection, writing the letter for the Out of Town bags etc….And he was totally in charge of the honeymoon – he figured out where to stay, made an itinerary, booked activites, I literally didn’t do anything but pack and help redeem miles!
I loved that we did this together, but I have no advice on how to get the unwilling Fiance to want to be more involved!!
Post # 9
my fiance hasn’t been too involved and its a source of contention. we have a few things going on right now (drama with his family, planning a wedding, trying to find a place to live) and he’s totally stressed out. the problem is, when he gets stressed, he clams up. he has had virtually no input in our wedding plans, with the exception of picking invites (where i found a few invitations and he picked one he liked) and the dj (he met with the dj because i was sick that day). i don’t take any of this personally, as i know he has a hard time communicating while stressed.
hope you guys have better luck than me!
Post # 10
I also think I have been really lucky in having my fiance be pretty involved. He shares my mentality that we don’t want our names on something that’s not satisfactory to us. He is a big foodie and is taking charge of most of the dinner/appetizer choices. I even find myself being the one saying "That sounds nice honey" and "whatever you want is great!" He is also excited to choose tuxes, coming up with lots of suggestions for first dance songs and other music, and definitely very involved in planning the honeymoon. But he has little to no interest in decor, flowers, invitations, what the cake looks like etc.
iluvnate, LOL on the alcahol bottles comment! So true of my guy too!
Post # 11
My Fiance wants nothing to do with the details. While he will help me choose big things (like the venue), his standard answer when I ask a questions is "whatever you want" or "I like all your ideas" which isn’t helpful when I’m wanting his oppinion because i can’t make a decision! I have just accepted this is the way he is. He doesn’t care about colors, or what the room looks like, flowers or pictures…guys just usually aren’t that interested in that.
By The Way, Miss Cheese wrote a blog on this topic today.
Post # 12
My fiance has been as envolved as possible logistically. We live 400 miles apart, so most of his role has included providing his opinion over the phone. When he has come home to visit, we’ve crammed in as many appointments as possible.
He has definitely had more of an opinion involving the actual ceremony, because in his opinion everything else is fluff. When I ask him about the colors or flowers or something like that, his normal reply is ‘whatever you would like’. The reception has been almost entirely up to me.
But he has been very involved in the ceremony layout, music, wording, etc. To him, the ceremony is what matters…I don’t mind, since that is what he is most concerned about, it shows how excited he is about us being married!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for all the input. It really helps to see where the spread is…I’ve been talking more to recently married friends here, and their husbands (who I originally thought were so involved) were really just assigned tasks…and monitored! I think the combined stress of incorporating my details, dealing w/ my parents well-voiced opinions, and trying to keep doing my day job are finally starting to get to me!
I think that ultimately it will be fine, it’s just so hard to stay calm sometimes, and you just gotta let it out!
Thanks also to all who have (and will) vote! I love seeing poll results!!
Post # 14
My Fiance has lots of opinions and likes to give them, but really know idea how to plan (and is not very organized). Usually I narrow a decision down to a few options and talk to him about it and we decide together. Sometimes he pretends not to be interested (STDs, wedding website) but then jumps in once I am working on it. Strangely, he even wanted to help with deciding on my dress (I described, but didn’t give in!) He wants to be assigned a few tasks but gets overwhelmed if I share too many details, etc. I think he is the pretty typical groom to be.
Post # 15
I think it has a lot to do with what your Fiance will remember. Maybe he has no attention to detail, and he really won’t remember anything but "you may kiss the bride." It’s hard for him to get involved if he knows he’s apathetic and you’re so enthusiastic. Try giving him specifics. Instead of: "Can you book the honeymoon?" Say: "Honey, I was thinking we could honeymoon on an island somewhere, maybe Hawaii or Jamaica. Can you look at ticket prices and hotels? Maybe print out some different options so we can decide where we want to go?" This way he knows what is important to you (price and location) and what info you need to see (printouts). I tried this with my Fiance, and he ended up designing the centerpieces!! (Although he didn’t know that’s what he was doing.)
Post # 16
My guy helps when asked. I’m a bit of a control freak and he knows how important it is to me. We go over every decision together, I do all the research and give him optiions and we talk bout what we like the most or why we don’t like something. It is working out great for us. I get to plan my dream wedding, for us. He has input, but I get most of the control.
He first thought we could do better on the price of something when I gave him a quote, so I asked him to do the research and he came back and realized I know what I’m doing and has trusted me ever since. 🙂