(Closed) not so enthusiastic fiance…and wedding planning

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How involved is your fiance in planning your wedding?

    What planning? He's doing it all. I just have to look pretty.

    Very (asks you for your opinion, knows what has to be done next and when, takes initiative)

    Involved (has an idea of what has to be done, wants to take charge of a few things)

    Not very (offers opinions and advice only when asked, no idea what comes next)

    He's just going to show up...but you have to tell him when and where.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    My Fiance will help make decisions, but after I have done all the research and narrowed down choices.  We picked the reception location together but I had done the research into which ones were in the area and set up the appointments, and figured out the important questions to ask.  He and I made the decision of which one to go with together.  This is how it has been for pretty much everything, and I’m a bit frustrated, especiallyh when he tells people that we have most of the planning done.  We have several big things out of the way but still need a dj, videographer, and all of the smaller less expensive details.

    Post # 18
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Dear Soysauce,

    You have my sympathy. I’ve had the same experience. I am getting married in 6 and a half months and I have made all the arrangements for our wedding. My fiances contribution has been to make decisions when asked. I think he sees this as contributing to the wedding, taking an interest etc. and simply doesn’t realise all the work that I have put in researching venues and other suppliers, arranging meetings, making bookings etc.

    My finace is normally a considerate person which is why I think this doesn’t come naturally to him.

    I asked a few married friends if they had the same experience and most of them have.

    I think I’m going to ask my finace to take responsibility for certain tasks for the wedding and see how that goes.

    Chin up, remember lots of us are in the same boat.

     

     

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It has been my experience that most men either don’t want to be involved (they just want to show up) or pretend that they are interested (so his sweetheart doesnt get pissed) so they’ll offer a sprinkling of input here and there but otherwise not vey involved.

    Very few men actually “dream” of their wedding day or want to be really involved in the whole process. Very few.

    In many man circles wedding planning activities is seen as a “girly thing”.

    Post # 20
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Not every guy would be the type of guy to plan a wedding… My fiance will actually give me an opinion when I ask which is better than I thought he would be… whatever you think is best. Which i would be angry at cause its hard to make so many decisions! I have set the plans and then get settled down to a few and then ask him to decide. I have not made 1 decision without at least letting him in on it!… I think he thinks this is making him apart of it more than he is which is good. For example when creating the save the dates, i had three that i created myself and asked him which one he liked best. I think its good to let him be apart of the wedding but dont expect him to do anything on his own … just being realistic! I asked him to just get me his families addresses…. and ya… that has not happened I had to get them in other ways! hahaha 

    We have discussed the things we want together, then i do research and then we “pick” together! 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    I know this is an old post but it perfectly fits how Im feeling at the moment !

    We are 2 and a half months out from our wedding and so far everything has been going well. My fiance is very similar to many of the guys described above – I do all the leg work and then present him with a short list and then we pick together. This was all going well until recently when his favourite word seems to be NO. (oh and add in that my mum wants all this stuff and always gets what she wants anyway which is a point of conflist between us)

    I put a lot of work into finding good ideas for our wedding and he just thinks everything is unnecessary (he actually said we dont need chairs or flowers at the ceremony in a garden – just us standing there!)

    It all came to a head when we went out to dinner last week and I asked what he is most looking forward to about the wedding and he said ‘ for it to be over’! what the? i think he meant it as a joke but these kind of things really stick with me and I feel hurt. When i asked him to expand (he loves to drop a bomb like this and then say no more) he said it has been so much work for him.

    So much work for HIM!!! OMG i have done 100 x more work than him and he feels overwhelmed – how does he think i feel! also likes to use the one of ‘ i dont know what im doing’ – what- do you think i do! NO i go and research it and find out what to do.

    However, i feel like a total bitch when i start comparing what hours etc we have put in. He then backs off and says ‘ whatever’ to anything i ask like he is chucking a tantrum. thats not what i want. man he is frustrating me.

    He recently said something that really hit home with me and now has me totally confused

    ‘ if i like something then he does not have to like it for it to go ahead, but if he likes something then i have to like it too or its no go’. The sad thing is this is very true and makes me feel sad. ps im a cryer!!

    But if its up to him our wedding is going to be so plain and I can just see it being so much better……

     

    any thoughts would be appreciated – am i being unreasonable?

    Post # 22
    Member
    130 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    My Fiance played a part in picking out the venue and the caterer, but that’s all he really cared about. I know it wouldn’t matter to him if the table linens are blue or baby poo green. He is a busy man and has “manly” things to take care of (work, the remodeling of our house, etc.) I don’t mind one bit that he doesn’t want to be more involved. I do think, though, the day of our wedding, he will appreciate all the hard work that went in to it. As long as he shows up to all the pertinent events (pictures, cake tasting, and ahem, the wedding), I will be a happy girl.

    Post # 24
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Madi.So.Excited:  LOL

     

    View original reply
    @lolly-k:  Please forgive me if this sounds a tad insensitive.  I have learned quite a bit from being on this board…I never knew about the “waiting” lists until WB. 

    What baffles me is that most ladies have dreamt of this moment most of their lives.  Even have been frustrated with the “waiting”…but when the proposal actually happens and the planning begins, there is this “expectation” that the Fiance is going to help plan the wedding!  I don’t get it.  It never crossed my mind that my Husband would be involved on any level.  Am I far off?  It is also his day too but if women really ask the men, I believe that they really don’t care! 

    Post # 25
    Member
    130 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @divadowell:  I’m with you. When I pictured my big day and all that went into it, the ones I pictured involved in the planning were my mom and sister and best friends. I can understand the fiances’ caring about where it is and what they will be eating (because what man doesn’t stop dead in his tracks when you mention FOOD) but as far as the girly details, I never even dreamed of him being involved.

    There are 3 things that I imagine are on his mind for the day:

    1. Being joined under God to the most awesome person ever (had to throw that in there)

    2. Food.

    3. Bow chicka wow wow

    Outside of that…nah.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    View original reply
    meghanbeans:  I just sent out invites over texted and facebook. Cause to  ensure honest I gave up. He has an opinion  but then says last be sure. My wedding is In two months aND I wish we could elop. But he says I’ll regret it and some of my family  and all of his will be upset. The thing is I don’t have the healthiest relationshipS with my family and he doesn’t  get that I don’t want a big wedding but he expects me to plan it. Upset bride here wishing the wedding fairy would grant me the wish of a someone else do it and we just show up. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    Oh my God!!! I even had to google it if im the only one who have a fiance thay doesnt want to help…. I am feeling the same way… Sometimes i feel like backing out and not having tje wedding at all. Grrrr im so frustrated!!

    Post # 27
    Member
    577 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I feel ya, same boat here, but I’m choosing not to get bothered by it.  I think it’s pretty typical.  He’s very “task oriented”, so if I give him a task, he will get it done.  I’ve asked him the same questions as you, like, I want him to be a part of it and know what needs to be done, and just jump on it.  But it’s not going to happen, so – it’s honestly whatever.  With my mom’s help, this wedding is going to be great, and it will all be fine!

    In a way, I wonder to myself if I’d get annoyed if he suddenly started chiming in and had super strong feelings about the color of flowers, or something, haha.  The important things are done, I have my dashing groom, my family and friends will be there, and we’ll be fed and have music to dance to.  The rest will work itself out along the way.

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