(Closed) Not-so-“Grand”mother is dying – conflicted feelings – VERY long (sorry)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Personally, I think you earned the right to not care.  I think telling your Aunt that you are sorry for her loss but that you don’t feel the same way is probably enough.  How about you write down all of the hurts and pains that they have caused in your life, get it all out and then burn it.  Let it all go and live your life the way you want.  You are one tough cookie!!  Give yourself all of the credit for being who you are.

Post # 4
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Wow, that is long.  I just want to say, as someone who’s had ‘bad luck’ with my grandparents as well (I won’t get into it, but let’s say that my grandmom who I am ‘close’ with, sounds much like yours), I very much understand the conflicting feelings.  Our society really glorifies the grandparent/grandchild relationship, and completely ignores that not every grandmom is nice, loving, covered in baking flour and smile wrinkles.  Some are mean.  I personally, have distanced myself from my own grandparents and while not everyone in my family agrees or supports this, it works well for me.  You don’t need anyone to approve of your choice – you need to defend yourself against toxicity as best you are able.  But if you want someone to approve of your choice, I do.

Best of luck with everything else.  You have been through hell, and I hope that things are more stable for you now.

 

Post # 5
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Oh honey, you need to get yourself to see a counselor or therapist. Look at your local college or university and there will probably be a low-cost training clinic for the doctoral program that you can go to.

You have gotten seriously the short end of the stick with your family relationships while growing up. The toxic environment you describe is not good for any child, and it seems like you are still carrying the emotional baggage of those years—namely, you are thinking that it is your fault that the people in your life are “ambivalent” toward you. It’s not your fault. They are all infecting one another with their unhealthy way of treating people—they are not a bunch of isolated incidents but rather one giant dysfunctional problem that reinforces itself and tries to infect you too. It’s normal that you would be mourning your chance at a “normal” life at a time when your grandmother is dying.

You are definitely not a horrible person, but I do think you are a hurt person, and I hope that you’re able to talk about it with someone at length, because I think it would really, really help you. You’ve already shown in this post that you are perceptive and able to analyze what’s going on in your life, which means you would probably get a lot out of counseling. Good luck and feel better soon.

Post # 7
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

My grandmother died last summer, and we had a very bad relationship. I don’t know what might have been wrong with her mentally, but she was terrible to my mom her entire life. When my mom was six, my grandmother told her she was a mistake. She stopped talking to one of my aunts for 10 years because my aunt forgot to send her a birthday card. Seriously, the definition of a drama queen.

Up until I was in 6th grade, my grandparents spoiled me rotten. Every holiday, my grandma took me to Dayton’s (Before it was Marshall Fields, Before that was Macy’s) and buy me a new outfit, head to toe. She bought me my first computuer, sent me on vacations, and then BAM! Stopped talking to our family. Completly cut us off. My mom and her got into a fight over something miniscule, and she refused to talk to us for the next 10 years. Until my grandpa died last summer actually, which was great timing because we never got to say goodbye to my grandpa, we didn’t even know he was sick.

They died less than two months apart. My grandma got very sick in her last days, and I was the only one there at the hospital when she died (she has five kids, and multiple grandchildren). It was SO CONFLICTING. I felt like I should be sad, but this other part of me really just didn’t care at all. I wrote her a very long letter on her deathbed, about how I wish she could have been an adult and had not tore our family apart. She was too sick to read it, so I assumed that no one would ever read it. Too bad the nurses packed it up after she died with her other belongings. I didn’t cry at her funeral, and I felt very bad about that.

Funny enough, I was the only one there when she died, because my other cousins were too “busy” and selfish to come and see her, but I was also the only one who recieved nothing from my grandparents estate. My screwed up, high school dropout cousin got the house, all my cousins got money, cars or the vacation house and Flordia. But not a single one of them showed up when she was dying.

 

Post # 9
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

@Isilme: My heart and prayers are with you! Reading this was hard, knowing they were things you actually had to endure. I wish you the best of luck! You are not a horrible person for distancing yourself from this poison in your life. You must do so to survive the emotional drain it’s causing. Stay strong and keep focused on yourself. I know it’s hard not to think about waiting for that ring, but it seems like your boyfriend’s been alongside you this far and really cares about you and your well being.

<3

Post # 10
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I understand where you are coming from. Your grandmother sounds like mine. She is a horriable person. She has started rumors about my parents saying that they were getting a divorce. She is always faking an illness. She has favorites and we are not one of them. My grandfather died this past summer and I wasn’t close to him. He was a deadbeat father and grandfather. I felt sad that he died, but I wasn’t as upset as people would think a granddaughter would be. If you want, you can read my vent here.

@Isilme: I agree that the person isn’t really the one we’re upset at losing in these cases, it’s the person we wanted that will never be that we mourn.

I agree!

Post # 11
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

@Isilme: I agree that the person isn’t really the one we’re upset at losing in these cases, it’s the person we wanted that will never be that we mourn.

I agree so, so much with that. I guess I just always expected my grandmother to come to her senses. I too, am the only one of the grandchildren to get a four-year degree, and I am going to law school next year. The rest of my cousins on that side are like an episode of Jerry Springer. When she died, it was kind of like the death of the dream of her coming to her senses and seeing how hard I was working to be successful, and accepting me for that.

 

Post # 12
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You guys are really echoing my thoughts here.  It upsets me also to know that there are others in our situation, but comforting to know that I am not alone in this.   

 

Post # 13
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

  Oh hun. I first want to say that you and my husband have freakishly simular stories dealing with a very distorted family. We are still getting grief from them even though we have stated mulitpal times we want nothing to do with them. They hate me so much I honestly wouldn’t put it past them to hire someone to kill me. As awful as that sounds its the whole truth. They took SO MANY things away from him that most children experience. Like your boyfriend I was his “saving grace”. Put a roof over his head, gave him a family, and picked up the shattered pieces of a young man that his family had broken. I cannot and will not say I know how it feels to be you. I know every aspect of my husband but still cannot even remotely comprehend the depth of the wounds he carries. I can talk somewhat on behalf of your SO.

 It was by no means easy taking my husband in. All I wanted as an 18 year old girl was a steady relationship. What I got was a past so deep that it took me litterally years to wrap my head around. I cried with him, laughed with him, went through times of being infuriated with his family and ulitmately was his what he took all his emotional pain out on. It felt unfair to me, it hurt me, it destroyed everything in me for a long time. Still though for him, I kept fighting. We would have arguements that I knew most couples didn’t have. I felt pain that I knew most woman didn’t have to feel. Still though, I kept fighting for him. It took us a long time to get married. He told me all the time that he is afraid hes going to wake up one day and realize I am not there anymore. That I have finally decided to leave his mess behind. I never will. And I don’t think your SO will either. We know it’s not “Your messes”. We know your past is not you. We see a person behind the story. All the estranged family is just charecters. They are not you. When we are mad at your situation we are not made at you, we are mad at the family that could do something so horrible to such a wonderful person. We will do whatever it takes to give you the life you deserve and want. I was afraid for a long time to get married. I knew what I was marrying into. And it honestly scared the hell out of me. But I always knew I wanted to marry him. It was the situation that I didn’t want to marry. That didn’t mean though that I was going to get up and walk away. He was worth more then any situation and nothing would change my mind. 

  Girl to girl I know the waiting game sucks. And I am SO sorry for your situation. But I hope I didn’t ramble too much and I hope that just maybe I shed some light on how it feels to be the SO. Keep your chin up and don’t let your “family” get to you! You have all the love you already need. =)

Post # 14
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I read your whole post and i really have nothing to offer except for load of internet hugs. you’re so strong and it takes an amazing person to make it through the circumstances you’ve been in without rebelling and falling off the wagon. If you can find a counselor, I think it could be beneficial.  Either way, we’re here for you when you need to vent.

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