(Closed) Not so sure if I’m waiting any more

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2933 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you are seeing the situation for what it is already – he’s telling you a few things:  that he’s not ready to change for you, and that he’s not ready to get married.

I think you should walk.  You deserve to find someone who is on the same page and wants the same things out of life as you do.  He likes to ‘live life from one moment to the next’, which is basically saying that he’s unpredictable, possibly unreliable, and not at all ready to settle down.  Not marriage or father material, IMO. 

Good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

He likes to ‘live life from one moment to the next’, which is basically saying that he’s unpredictable, possibly unreliable, and not at all ready to settle down.

I agree with this 100%. Strong, healthy marriages and families aren’t created by living one moment to the next. While you don’t need to go as crazy as scheduling your next pee, life does require a certain amount of planning. I don’t think you’re overreacting and going forward with moving out might be very healthy for you. He’s ok with the status quo and you aren’t. That’s not something you can ignore.

Post # 5
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This is one of those agreements that tends to make me crazy!  My SO and I moved in far before marriage was on the table too, and I’m not sure he understood the stress it put on me.  I finally sat him down and told him that I sometimes felt like I was being taken advantage of (he was getting all of the wife perks without the major commitment).  He understood completely and we have made real strides in our relationship since then.

About the timeline, I would ask him about it.  I think that it is important to share each others goals, even if it is something as silly as replace all the carpets in the house (this was actually one of my SO’s).  If he is serious about it, it may help him to share with you.

Try not to react with anger before you commit to a major relationship convo.  For all you know he could be freaking out because he wants to buy you a ring he can’t afford!  Try to listen and try to express that marriage and family are things that are really important to you and could be a dealbreaker for your relationship.

Good luck!  I hope this helps.

Post # 7
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

🙁 i feel for you reading this post. that is an awful position to be in. especially when he is being so non committal about something that you have made clear is really important to you. since i dont know the ups of your relationship, i dont want to say “get out right now” but it seems like thats the way you are leaning. and with reason. this is the kind of major life stuff you should be able to talk about openly and honestly with your SO, even if you are arguing!

Post # 9
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@weeble78: I can imagine how bad this situation is hurting you right now.  I am also an extremely emotional person so I tend to hide away when something is really bothering me too. I’m sorry I couldn’t help more.

Post # 11
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Everything in your post sent up red flags. I’m never one for giving up quickly, so if you think that he would be open to counseling or something, perhaps that might be an option, but if you’re thinking that this is going to be the pattern of your relationship and its not going to change, you should really think about whether or not that’s what you want.

When my fiance got in to grad school in another city, I told him that even though I knew we were getting married (we’d been officially dating for over 3 years at that point and living together for about 2 years), I needed a proposal before I gave up my budding career and moved to another city. I knew that we were going to get married without a doubt, but I just wanted a firm commitment. So we got engaged and it made me feel 200% that I was doing the right thing by moving. 

Post # 12
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I feel your pain, I am in your current mind set. My SO has led me to believe that our relationship was growing and that someday we would move forward, then come to find he doesnt want to entertain the thought of being married until he feels he is in a better position in life. what a blow. I think WE JUST NEED to figure out if it is worth the wait and uncertainty or make a choice for ourselves.

for me I have felt since hearing the news a little removed from the relationship. why should I be a fake wife to him when he doesnt give me any indication that he wants it for real in the future. I find myself not caring, not finding his jokes funny, I guess I am starting to resent him. I think i have my answer.

i wish you the best, this is a awful situation to be in.

Post # 15
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry! (((hugs))) This isn’t how a healthy relationship functions. He shouldn’t be screaming at you to shut up when you’re crying and he shouldn’t be spending so much energy to avoid a topic that is clearly important just because it’s not easy. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you guys should see a counselor ASAP. I’m sorry you’re having a terrible night. I know it’s rough. But in the end you need to take care of yourself. ((hugs)) again.

Post # 16
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I understand you’re feeling hurt. If he’s talking with you about all these plans I believe moving out won’t make the situation better. You’re just running away from “the problem.” 

give it time and Dont try to rush things. If you both are the ones for another you have a lifetime together. I understand rushing to want to get married, I was the same way before my fiance proposed. Weddings are stressful, money alone not involving a wedding is stressful. 

 

I’d give its few days nd let the both of you calm down,  then discuss your thoughts etc. The more you push him to do something it could push him away. Just be patient. 

The topic ‘Not so sure if I’m waiting any more’ is closed to new replies.

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