- 10 years ago
I’ve been reading this board for a while, and now I would like to ask you for some advice please.
I’ve been with my SO for nearly 2 years, living together for nearly 1.
I agreed to move in on the premise that we were thinking about engagement, and had discussed marriage and children at 6 months. He agreed, and also said he would give up smoking when we moved in.
He’s brought up marriage/children spontaneously on many occasions, but we’ve never talked seriously about when. At my sister’s wedding in May he told me I was the only person he’d ever fantasised about marrying, and that he wanted a wedding just the same as hers – massive family style – when we’ve only previously talked about eloping or fancy dress etc.
After that wedding, about a month later, we entered a rough patch for about 2-3 months – it was difficult with him having no job and stress was high. About 2 months ago everything became wonderful again, and we agreed we’d got past it. I decided to bring up marriage/children/smoking. He seemed to panic and say he had a checklist before we were heading that way – mainly money as we don’t have any. He then started being jokey about a wedding.
The next night, he brought it up, and asked me about children saying that he’s 38 this year, should get off the fence and stop procrastinating. And that we’d have fun having children in our house – right? I was a little concerned by the ‘sitting on the fence’ topic.
A week ago, I decided to have the talk. About smoking too – because I don’t want to marry a smoker or have a father to my children who’s a smoker. He took it BADLY and we had a huge row.
I was shocked. We were going away on holiday the following day, and he said ihe wanted to talk about it then over a nice dinner. We didn’t go for any nice dinner so on the last night I brought it up.
Basically I said that I’d arriaved at the point that I know I want to marry him and move our relationship forward, and I would like to start a family. I’ve always maintained that we moved in together to move towards marriage. He basically said he’s not sure now that we’ve had arguments. He also said we can’t afford it, and that he likes to live his life from one minute to the next, not plan like I do.
I was gutted to say the least – I now feel I’m living with him under false pretences and feel stupid.
I’m hurt, and probably overreacting, but I’ve been thinking about moving out – as I feel everything we’ve accomplished has been wiped out.
Can someone offer some advice and help me see the situation for what it is?