(Closed) Not sure about having kids…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s a huge issue and unfortunately there are no easy answers.  I know I wouldn’t have married my husband if he didn’t want kids.  Being a mom is very important to me and knowing that meant finding someone who wanted to be a parent too. 

I don’t have any advice except to give him time and decide for yourself if it really is a dealbreaker, no matter how painful that decision might/will be.

Good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

btw–if you don’t read A Practical Wedding, you should.  They have been having a discussion over there all week about the issue of being a wife and being a mom and how they don’t always have to go together and also couples who chose not to have children at all.   It’s a really great, smart discussion.  Reading some of it might help. 

Post # 6
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry, that really sucks.  You are very smart to try to figure it out before getting married.  It’s so important to be on the same page with the really big quality of life issues. 

Post # 7
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I love that you posted this, because I could have written your post almost word-for-word about a year ago, and I know how upsetting it is.  Like your SO, mine told me that the big thing stopping him from proposing was that he didn’t know if he wanted kids and he knew that I do.  It was a huge shock, because we had also talked casually about “when we have kids”.  I knew he was in *no* hurry, but I didn’t realize that it was such an issue as to be a possible dealbreaker.  He had a difficult childhood with parents who weren’t very good at parenting, and he just didn’t have any experience to show him that family is a good thing.

It was a rough few months for us.  Rather than let the issue take over our lives (which it sort of did anyway), we agreed to talk about it once a week.  He saw a therapist for a few sessions to let out some of his thoughts about family and kids; I never really figured out how much that did for him.  He described his state of mind once as like being on top of a mountain and deciding which way to “tip” – no going back once he goes down.  On one side, he saw just the two of us – with the freedom and money we’d save by not having kids.  Traveling, being able to throw ourselves fully into our careers and afford more of the things we want, etc.  On the other side, I think he saw being tied down financially, and also losing “us” in favor of the kid(s).  A lot of our talks revolved around me trying to convince him that it could be a lot more positive than that; my family situation has always been wonderful, and I tried to give him examples from my life to tell him why I think having kids will be hard, but rewarding.  

The thought that he said finally clicked with him and convinced him that he could do it was that it’s possible to have a complete family and keep our relationship as happy as we are now.  I think a lot of his “family” experience involved the dads getting shut out, ignored, but depended on financially when a child comes along and takes up all of the mom’s attention.  I was trying to tell him that yes, I’m sure it can be hard to keep the romantic relationship going strong after a baby is born.  But we can be aware of the difficulties beforehand and just promise each other that we’ll try as hard as we can and always make our relationship a priority.

I don’t know if any of this applies to your situation or is similar to how your SO feels about kids, so take what you will from all that.  My only real advice is what others here have said – know what you want, and stick to it.  After he told me about his hangup about kids, I spent one day trying to convince myself that maybe I could be happy without them, but I know absolutely that I couldn’t.  And also – get him to keep you involved in his thought process.  Maybe you’ll hit on something that will get his thoughts rolling in a new direction and help him to make up his mind.

Good luck and keep us all posted! ::hugs::

Post # 8
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Lalai  Er… sorry, I shouldn’t say ‘I love that you posted this’ – that doesn’t sound so great!  What I meant to say was – I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I can relate!

Post # 10
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m also glad that you both are mature enough to discuss this now. Unfortunately for me it would be a deal breaker so its so important that you get on the same page without anybody compromising to the point that there are unhappy.

I hope you figure it out and Good Luck!

Post # 11
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you already know what you need to do. You said it yourself, marrying someone who stands opposite on that issue is a recipe for divorce. You know what you want, I think there need to be many more talks about it in the future between you both before he pops the question. 

Post # 12
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s definitely for the best that you two are having a frank discussion about it. One of my exes had an aunt and uncle – from the very beginning of their relationship, the uncle really wanted kids whereas the aunt really did not. They got married anyway, and I suspect that each thought the other would change their mind. Well, neither one did, and they ended up getting divorced a few years later. Their entire family was devastated and they both were heartbroken. They were still very much in love, but the issue of children ended up being a huge irreconcilable difference. It’s definitely one of the biggest dealbreaker issues.

Post # 13
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is really hard. My Fiance has told me he doesn’t care if we have kids but that if we do he only wants 1 or 2. I wanted 3 or 4 but will be happy with 2 so we kind of compromised on that one. If he said he didn’t want children it would have been a deal breaker. I would’ve been REALLY hard for awhile but if I didn’t have kids I would be really sad the rest of my life. Good luck, hopefully he decides he does want children.

Post # 14
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s almost the opposite for us. My fiance wants kids and would prefer to adopt while the more I consider it, the less I feel like I want to have children. That’s not to say that if we had a child that I wouldn’t love him/her unconditionally. I just see it as not something I’m trying to obtain. I don’t in any way mean to offend anyone if my word choice is poor. I’m just thinking that sometimes people just don’t want having children to be their priority, but that’s not to say that he may not be happy having children later down the line. I hope your discussions about it go well.

Post # 15
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Does he know that no children is a deal breaker for you? Maybe let him know that and let him consider that.

I grew up never really wanting kids and only in the last year or so has that thought changed.

From my end, I am not the most maternal girl in the world, and when you add in some reproductive health issues I have already had, the thought of trying really scares me!

My partner is (thankfully) happy either way but thought that we wouldn’t get married until we decided if we would have kids or not! I told him that I definately want some time to be “married” before I even start to think about kids!

I think though this issue is becoming a really tough one for couples… we have so many choices these days on what our life will look like and unfortunately we dont always agree!

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