- 6 years ago
This is an incredibly hard post to write, as I’ve tried for months – probably more like years – to convince myself things will work out, but I’ve had a nagging feeling that I can’t ignore or shut up…I think I just need to start admitting my fears and the consequences that may come from them.
I met my Fiance when I was still in college, I was around 19. He was the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and after a few times of visiting I decided to move with him to his country. I stopped presuing a carreer in the feild I was studying and moved to Spain after I got my degree. I am not a language person and never have been, so trying to integrate into this world has been extremely emotional and challenging. I taught English for a while, and then I ended up going back to school in an English speaking program so my Spanish really suffered. I have to say that when I do speak Spanish, I just don’t feel like myself and hate feeling so vulnerable. I’m really ashamed of this, I wish I was more open and that this felt more natural, but I just can’t bring myself to integrate without becoming an emotional train wreck. This has made it challenging for me to establish a career for myself (I do have a job unlike a lot of people who graduated my program in the new feild I chosen, however it’s very low level and there is certainly a glass ceilling for woman), so I’ve become dependent financially on my Fiance.
My Fiance is very much into working, it is really his passion. In fact most of the time he works on the weekends, which has made it difficult for the relationship. I’m all for being successful, but the line between personal and private life is very blurred. He doesn’t like to go out, so we stay home or I try to find things to do on my own. As I don’t have a lot of friends here it’s been hard relying on him for the support system I need. I mean, he is such a great guy… he is polite, smart, caring…he is really such a catch. I’m just much more emotional than he is, and sometimes I need someone who can talk back to me and keep me in check instead of the blank responses I get. Life with him, in this country, is lonely at times.
Anyways, after years of living together, I thought I was ready to get married. I figured it was the comittment I needed to feel better about leaving my friends and family behind, or at least I could return home and he could get a visa to come with me. He stalled for a while, indicating he was waiting for the right moment to propose. Turns out he was waiting for a vacation we were taking with my family, however due to freelance work he was doing right before the trip he couldn’t get the ring in time, even though he had months and months to figure it out before hand. I went into crazy waiting mode and was crying almost ever day – I thought we’d be married by that point and we could start the visa process of going back to my country. Eventually he did propose, but the whole experience was very rushed. The ring we orginally decided on was way out of my FI’s budget, so I went a chose another ring without him and he later picked it up and proposed to me after a night which we were drinking with friends, because he wanted to propose before we went to see his parents, so we could tell them and start planning…..ugg that’s hard to admit….
There have been red flags before, but the whole proposal process opened my eyes as to how his work life comes before me, even though I have changed my whole life to be with him. Since we got engaged i’ve felt distant from him. I finally got the courage to talk to him about my cold feet, and he was understanding about how scary it is to committe the rest of your life to someone, and that we should just love and accept each other for who we are and I need to stop worrying about things I can not control. For a while the talk we had helped – I really do love my Fiance, and deeply want to be the wife he deserves, but sometimes I doubt my abilities to be strong enough to be in an expat relationship, or in a relationship in which he is so zen and calm and I’m such a giant stressball.
Even though I admitted that the language was a huge emotional problem for me, I started taking language courses at night. I took a job which I hate so I can try to contribute to the household costs. I put in 12 -14 hours a day, and I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like this it how a woman should feel about herself when she gets married. I feel like I’m doing what I “should” do to make the relationship happy, but so far I feel like a mess.
On top of all that, we recently went to discuss prenups. The laws are different than what is customary for my country, so the spouse is less protected in the event of death and divorce. Because he runs his own business the lawyer reccomended we keep our assets separated in the event someone sued his company, as I’d be responsible for his debt. However as I am at a disatvantage living in a different country, I doubt my ability to support myself if something did happen to us. I am hiring a lawyer and looking into options, but I do not feel comfortable with the situation. I woke up this morning and it felt like someone was sticking a knife into my stomach. I took off work today cause I think I have an ulcer so I’m seeing the doctor for my stress… I’m really trying to be strong, be the adult I should be and provide for my future husband, but my stress seems to pop up all the time in fits of tears and emotional bursts.
It all breaks my heart. On paper I have the perfect life, but nothing seems to feel right. The idea of calling off the wedding would be crushing. We have had so many good years together, and I’ve learned so much about life from him. He has the purest heart out of everyone I’ve ever met, and I do admire his ability to be so type B. I do love and care for him so much, but I doubt my emotional stability in staying with him. I want to want this relationship to work, but I can’t ignore the feeling I wasn’t made for this life. I feel like I’ve given up a lot already to make this work, and now I’ve reached the point where I’m feeling lost and need to clear my head. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know how to make this work without driving myself into the ground.