Post # 1
I am saddened to be writing this post. I feel so confused right now. I’ve been in a relationship with my SO for over 7 years. I am 24 and my SO is 25. My SO is very passive and does not communicate with me when he is frustrated or upset. Therefore, he does not communicate about issues/concerns in our relationship until I ask him what is going on. He usually gives me the cold shoulder and acts differently until I ask him if anything is bothering him.
Recently, I went on a family trip with his family to Disneyland where I was completely ignored by him for 10+ hours. I felt lonely and unwanted for the entire day. I was so miserable that it was probably pretty apparent to his family that I was uncomfortable and did not want to be there with them. I am so embarassed about the way I acted in front of them.
This has always been the case for the past 7 years. This frustrates me and is a pet peeve of mine. Usually, I allow him to express his emotions and then we talk about what is going on. Afterwards, I always tell him that I want him to be comfortable disclosing his feelings/frustrations to me and that I feel like he doesn’t want to work on our relationship when he keeps to himself. For the past 7 years, he’s promised to be more open about his feelings but he hasn’t changed. Everytime this happens, I feel increasingly unwanted. I am tired of being the only person that seems to want to communicate and move forward (emotioally) in this relationship. I feel emotionally exhausted and insecure. He tells me that he wants us to get married within the next 3 years but I don’t think he’s ready. I’ve never doubted my relationship before. I’ve always been okay and accepting of his promise to change and to make effort but I don’t know any more.
What do I do, bees? I sincerly love this man but I don’t know if he’s ever going to be open with me.
What would YOU do if you were in my shoes?
Post # 2
What was the issue that caused him to ignore you for 10 hours? Was he ignoring your attempts or was it a stand off where you were waiting for him to speak to you first?
Post # 3
I’d leave. He is who he is. It hurts you, and it can’t be changed.
Post # 5
I would never want stay in a relationship where I felt emotionally exhausted and insecure. I’ve done it before, and I’m telling you, life is too short! Get out of this relationship before you make a big commitment and it’s even harder.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
You guys are super young to have been together for so long. One of the things that happens when you get into a serious relationship so young is that you don’t necessarily develop as an individual.
You say this tendency has been an issue for a while. You say he’s promised to try and be more open. I think it might be the case that your relationship dynamics are so cemented, he might not really know how to change it.
I’d say that it’s unlikely this will change. My instinct would be to tell you that you both might benefit from spending some time apart getting to know who you are without each other. You each have some emotional development to do and it’s exceptionally difficult to do that while trying to nurture a relationship.
If you are committed to making this work, I’d say you should probably broach the subject of counseling. It’s clear that though you’ve tried to explain your needs and he’s said he’d try to change, that hasn’t happened organically. It may be helpful having someone else to help mediate and help provide you with tools to learn better skills around communication.
All that being said, I really think the best thing is for the two of you to spend some time apart and carefully evaluate how compatible you really are.
Post # 7
Leave. It will only get worse and his suggestion that he’d like to get married within 3 years when you’ve already been together for 7 isn’t exactly reassuring either. You’re young and have plenty of options and plenty of time ahead of you.
Post # 8
Wake up, please. He’s been promising to change the same thing for 7 years. How many more 7s of years are you going to wait for that change?
Post # 9
I’d let the relationship end, that’s not healthy. You both need to grow individually into who you really are meant to be.
Post # 10
He sounds way too immature. He’s acting like a 13 year old boy who doesn’t know how to express his feelings or even communicate!!! Definitely move on!
Post # 11
PPs have hit the nail on the head. After 7 years of no change, even after he’s promised he will, you can be assured that he won’t.
You keep doing the same thing, hoping it’ll change him, but he doesn’t want to change. You need to accept what he’s telling you through his actions. He ruined Disney for you! If he can’t put aside his issues on a fun family vacation, there’s no chance he’ll be able to put them aside in daily life or marriage.
Post # 12
I can’t deal with passive aggressive silent treatment. It pretty much killed the relationship with my ex. He did it all the time. It was awful. Deal breaker.
Post # 13
No bee, no. I married this kind of man and it ended with a lot of emotional damage due to all of these issues.
Post # 14
Leave him. That’s what I would do.
This has been going on for seven years, and you clearly don’t like it, so leave. Terrible communication and cold behavior toward a girlfriend or boyfriend feels awful, as you know, so imagine your husband doing this to you. It would be terrible.
You know how he is, and you don’t like it, so see that for what it really is: an indication that he isn’t the right man for you.
If you stay with him much longer, you’ll regret it. If you marry him, you’ll regret it. Do the right thing and end the relationship now. A relationship like this is most likely going to end anyway, so end it before your life really gets enmeshed with his.
Post # 15
Thank you so much bees. After much consideration, I think its best if I end this relationship. However, we are already living together. How do I go about this? Just kicking him out wouldn’t be an option.