(Closed) Not sure anymore if we should get married

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I think he is using me.  A man who knows anything about what a man is will not be comfortable living off of/taking advantage of his woman like this.  Allowing his friends to even ask you to ‘borrow’ money? No, he doesnt value you the way he ought.  Dont marry him. It will only get worse.

Post # 18
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

you are doing too much for him– maybe he has the wrong idea as to what a ‘western marriage’ is– it’s not about 1 person male or female carrying the load, but both people working together in a way that makes them each happy. I can see that you are NOT happy, and this will not end well

Post # 19
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@Robine: Liebe Robine, du kannst mich jederzeit direkt anschreiben, auch auf Deutsch. Ich mache mir echt Sorge und denke du bist siemlich isoliert. Dass ist echt echt gefährlich für die Selbstwertgefühle und dein Wohlergehen. Ich lebe auch in Deutschland und bin Ausländerin. Falls du mal reden willst…

 

(translation: Dear Robine, you can write me any time, in German too if you like. I am rather worried because you sound so isolated. That is so dangerous for your selfesteem and your well being. I live in Germany and also am a foreigner, just in case you want to talk…)

Post # 20
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Butterfly6:  As much as I hate to say this, I agree. That was the immediate impression that I got. Maybe it is because I was totally in love with a man for a year and a half who was just as dependent as the one being described. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to take care of his needs. He started out VERY loving but gradually got more and more demanding. As I started to wise up and insist that he start being responsible for himself, he turned nasty. Really, really nasty. It took way too much time and money to get that POS out of my life, but I did.

And I truly hope I am completely wrong and that you are simply living with a “needy” man. Regardless, this man MUST stop relying so heavily on you and you MUST take care of yourself and stop being so isolated or you are going to be completely miserable!

Post # 21
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sweetie, if you’re unsure, PLEASE don’t get married!!!!

 

Post # 22
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time! I know how terrible it is to have so much weight on your shoulders, it is not easy to run a household!

I hope this doesn’t offend you as I don’t mean it to. I am Mexican and I think a lot of ways the Mexican and Afghan cultures are the same in that they are very patriarchical. I am sure this man loves you so much and that he has many western ideals. I’m not saying it is bad to have thoughts like his family but he and his family and friends may not respect you not only because you are western and a woman but because you are a woman who takes care of him. I don’t think this is good for you. He was raised to be a man and be the provider, and even if he has changed his thougts this is very much ingrained in him. People in his culture and mine lose respect for women who are providers especially if they are from a western culture. I’m not saying it is bad for you to work and make money, but I think it is very bad that he doesn’t work. If both of you worked and you made more money it wouldn’t matter. I don’t think you should have to worry about how he will live, this is not your problem-even if you do love him. And he will lose respect for you because in effect you are allowing him to not be the man he thought he would become.

No one should have to pay for someone else to live without knowing how long it will last. My Fiance primarily supports me because I am younger and still in school. However he knows exactly when I am going to graduate (MAY!) and I also work weekends when I can. He needs to learn that YOU ARE WORTH him finishing school and getting a job. Unless he does this he will never know how difficult it is to make money and pay bills and be an adult and you will continue to resent him more and more and he will respect you less.

I also know how difficult it is to have family that always needs something. My family always asks my fiance for help with things and I know sometimes he gets tired. I try to do as much as I can to make his load not so difficult. I cook all his meals throughout the week and do all the laundry and housework-except for the kitchen. Even though he works 10 hour days he still comes home and after dinner does the dishes and keeps the kitchen clean. Everything is a compromise and if he isn’t working and going to school full time then he should be doing a lot of housework. What is going on in your relationship is not ok.

Hopefully you can talk with him and he can start maning up. I wish you the best since you love him and I’m sure he loves you. And I know that this is not what you want to hear but there are a lot of guys out there. You deserve someone who can help financially especially if you want kids someday. You need someone that has your back! Don’t settle for a man that acts like a child.

Post # 23
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sablemuse:  +1

“Islam is not an ugly thing, neither is middle eastern culture. Selfishness and greed are ugly things”

Love this. So true.

Post # 24
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What do you like or love about him?  How does he show you he loves you?

It is extremely rude for them to be having conversations in your home that you cannot understand. They don’t respect you but want stuff from you? You provide everything and then some.  He is probably a lot like his friends in culture and beliefs.  People hang with people they like and have common views/interests. Please really weigh your options.  If you are better off alone, I’d make that happen right now.

Post # 26
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Robine:  I’m not sure how things are in your country, but in the US, it’s quite common for students to at least have part time jobs.  It sounds as though he is relying on you for food, clothing, and shelter while also supporting his friends/family when they need money as well.  He’s not helping with the household chores or cooking.  You’re basically doing everything, and he just takes what he wants.  

 

I don’t think this is a cultural issue.  I think you’re in a relationship with a self-centered individual who is not interested in having a fair and balanced relationship.  

 

I’m sorry you feel you need to postpone the wedding, but I think you are making the right decision.  Maybe it will be a wake up call to him.  Perhaps he’ll show his true colors and you’ll move on to find someone who is more interested in you than he seems to be.  Good luck and stay strong, I know it’s hard to force what you want in a relationship when you fear it may end because of it.

Post # 27
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@Robine:  

Oh, I am so sorry for the pain and the tears.  I think it sounds like a good idea to try to find some distance on it for yourself (postponing the wedding, thinking about living on your own) I hope this brings clarity and I hope for a productive talk on the weekend for you!

Post # 28
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

Absolutely!  When someone takes from you and never gives…just doesn’t add up to any type of love. 

A man should never feel comfortable living off his woman especially when it is an issue for her. I am not talking about men who are doing something with their lives to better themselves and helping in other ways in the proces.  This man sees her as a means to an end in my opinion especially when he somehow thinks it is okay that his friends can hit her up for money. 

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