(Closed) Not sure – Extenuating Circumstances…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
699 posts
Busy bee

@wondering:  i know how scary it is when your close to 40 and are waiting. but, he’ll move at his own pace, no matter what you say. then you’ll always wonder if he truly wants to marry or whether he was forced to the alter. Let him be. It’ll save a lot of guilt later on

Post # 4
196 posts
Blushing bee

Haven’t been through something exactly like that but I’m so sorry you have to deal with it.

Honestly, I probably would have left my SO if I didn’t think he was going to be ready for marriage on a timeline we agreed on. Not saying an ultimatum is a good idea, but if you are not going to get what you want from this relationship, it may be time to move on.

Post # 5
242 posts
Helper bee

Hi wondering. It does sound like you are sort of going through something similar to what I’m going through. Has he revealed to you what is holding him back after your talks? Does he tell you he sees marriage and kids with you in the near future or is he uncertain about it? Not that I would be an expert on this topic since I’m going through my own relationship issues, but if he says he sees a future and marriage with you in the near future then that could be promising. Plus if he’s truly open and honest with you as to what might be holding him back then that is also positive if he’s willing to work on it. I think we both know that pushing doesn’t do any good at all and pushes men further away. Creating good/happy memories brings them closer. I definitely would give a timeline (silent of course) as to when you will walk away because you are 37 and don’t have forever. Verbal ultimatums and timelines don’t work usually. The main thing is when you do communicate is to ask what is holding him back. His Mom dying could be a reason, but like you said that can only be a reason for so long and then you need to figure it out and move forward. Figuring out where he truly stands on this and how long you are willing to wait are important. I wish you luck with this and I know how you feel sister bee!

Post # 6
242 posts
Helper bee

Just wanted to add that if he says he’s uncertain then I think the best thing for you to do is to walk because at that point you might not know if he will ever be certain or how long it will take for him to figure it out. If my bf says he’s uncertain about marrying me or about having a family with me then I will leave because at that point I have my answer. Most of the time you can believe what a man says about these things.

Post # 7
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I am 38 and my SO is 42.  Listen when he says you are pressuring him too much or you will end up where I am – and it sounds like you are headed that way.  We broke up for over 2 months because of other pressures, but it was pressure none the less.  We are just now starting texting and not sure what is going to happen.


Post # 8
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

@wondering:  I would think having lost his mother would put his life in perspective and want him to move forward with creating his own family. At your ages, and 2.5 years, and having gone through such a traumatic event together, I think him not being ready yet speaks volumes. 

you pushing like crazy certainly isn’t helping.  If he is interested in working through it, then work on it, take the pressure off, but keep to your 3 year deadline.

Post # 10
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wondering:   What are his exact reasons for his delay?  Are they financial?  Career-oriented? 

Is he unsure of his feelings for you?  Does he see you as a long-term partner? 

If he’s feeling pressured it seems he could put two and two together and relieve the pressure on himself by proposing to you and getting married.  Unless, he doesn’t want to get married. 

Does he?  Does he want children?  These things aren’t for everyone.  And if he doesn’t want the same things you do, maybe you  should put both of you out of your misery and call it quits. 

If this were me, the first time he ended things, even though you say it was in irrational anger and a threat only because he felt pressured – I would have taken him up on his offer.

You can’t find the right one until you let the wrong one go.

Post # 11
132 posts
Blushing bee

@wondering:  I am not in the same situation, but one similar. My SO went thru a nasty divorce and it took him three years of dating (7Yrs post divorce) to feel ready. I know the pain of loving someone so much but being scared that they may never be ready, and honestly I don’t know how much longer I could ave waited, I was so stressed by the wholesittuation.

One day this year completely out of the blue my SO told me he’s ready. He told me that he’d just needed the time to be ready in his head, and thanked me for allowing him to do that and not pressuring him. It was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders, and while we are not yet engaged, I am much happier!

It stinks, but for me at least, it was worth it in the end!

Post # 12
242 posts
Helper bee

I think having that talk is a good idea. I hope it goes well. I dont know if this helps you or not, but what I’ve decided to do in my situation is to just really try to focus on the relationship as it is now. How I can improve upon adding positive stuff to it and also requesting things that he could improve on in counselling too. Instead of pressuring him I will work on being in the here and now and then if the relationship improves by the end of the year and he asks great, if it doesnt improve things and he’s not ready still or pushing things forward even after me trying, then it wasn’t the right relationship and I need to move on. First figure out where he stands. See if he does want the same things as you and in a reasonable time frame. Then if he does, try your best to back off for a few months so

He can be ready on his own. Hope that helps a bit.

Post # 13
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@wondering:  I think you need to lay off and either leave or stay for a bit longer. Maybe give it another 6 months. You can’t push someone into getting married, and if you do, it’s a recipe for disaster. I realize that if you give up on him, you’ll be back to square one and possible another 3 years away from having a kid, but you don’t want to marry this guy just so you can start a family.

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