(Closed) not sure FI is right person for my future

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Well, hubs and I discussed these kinds of things very early on, so we knew that we wanted similar things in life. We aren’t really the best match on paper, but we work together towards common goals, and want the same end result, so I honestly don’t care what a piece of paper would say. ( I say this because we are both really different people, with very different backgrounds, but we both want the same things out of life)

If I were you, I would ask him to independently put a rough plan in place. Where does he see himself in 5 years? 10 years? When does he want to retire? What is his career goals? Where does he want to retire? Kids, if so, how many?? 

You should both answer these questions, then come together to discuss them. That will help you guys decide whether a future together will work or not

Post # 5
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MrsSl82be: Very sensible advice.

 @londongal: Start by talking to him.  That’s free.  Own what you feel, and try not to be mean or nitpicky when you have this conversation.  Say things like, “I feel X when you do Y.” and “I am concerned that we aren’t on the same page regarding X”.  That’s the sort of stuff that a counselor has you do, verbalize your concerns to the other person, acting as a mediator.

Maybe there are things that concern him too, a good long talk will definitely help.

Post # 6
Member
5179 posts
Bee Keeper

Well, I think the most important problem in your relationship right now (which is pretty universal) is communication. You never discussed ANYTHING important so how can you know enough about eachother to make the VERY IMPORTANT decision to spend your lives together? I really think you need to work on your communication skills and also focus on important issues that make or break relationships all around the globe. I think you need to sit down and write out your goals.. objectives.. life plans.. and then you can compare the two. I am sure just doing this would spark some really intense conversations. Before Fiance and I got together.. (and even now).. we had major problems with FI’s parents… I didn’t like his reactions and this made me question if I was always going to be second place in my future husband’s life.. Luckily we have great communication and I put my foot down.. said enough was enough and Fiance knew I was serious. He made the choice to make me number one and we have been great ever since. So yes, I questioned having Fiance in my life.. but our communication brought us through and we stayed together.. later got engaged and will be wed next year 🙂

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think your fears are very valid, this IS your whole life you are talking about! I think that yes, you should have talked about this a lot sooner, but the important thing is, you ARE talking about it now. I fully believe that when you marry, you marry for life. If you honestly believe that you are settling, then please don’t marry him. You two really need to soul search, and do whats best. Only you 2 can answer these questions.  I felt physically ill at the thought of not spending my life with my husband, and we knew each other for almost 10 years before we were ever attracted to each other. We know way more than the average person about each other, which is a plus, because we know the good the bad and the ugly. 

If you are dreading your life together, than maybe you already know the answer. PLEASE think long and hard about this, you don’t want to look back 10 years from now regretting marrying him, and feeling like you wasted all these years

Post # 8
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

my husband and I had quite different views on many important things as well, but like the PP we kind of addressed them early on. But I must admit that those few months when we were discussing things it felt really horrible because I wasn’t sure that we’d ever get in sync with our plans. However we loved each other and we got through it and started to compromise on some stuff. Now, I couldn’t imagine not being with him because of all of those differences. In the end we were able to compromise because we loved each other and we wanted to face all these challenges together.

I think that you should take these months to talk to each other and figure out what you want and when you want it. Figure out what can be compromised and what is non-negotiable. You have clearly spent a lot of time together so you are both happy being together in your companionship and that’s very important too.

Sometimes, when we have had all our lives to imagine and dream up what our life is going to be like and the timeline we want it to happen in, it’s hard when somebody comes in and mixes it up with their own ideas and timeline. And this is where you clash. So this is the time to be flexible and open minded for both of you.

Maybe you should think about postponing the wedding or postponing some of the planning phases while you are figuring this out. June 2012 is still some time away and it might only take you a couple of months to figure it out.

I understand what it feels like to question your future together when couplehood feels so burdensome and scary. It’s natural to be upset, but instead of burdening yourself with “is he the one?” spend your time thinking “how can we make it work?” because this question can give you real answers.

 

I hope everything goes well and that you are able to figure it out!!

 

 

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
― Bob Marley

Think about this – is he perfect for you?? This is me and my husband, and I will say, I tried to change him at first. But, I learned that to change him would be to turn him into someone he wasn’t. So, I stopped, and realized that he really was perfect in an unperfect way, and that I could not live my life without. There are still times where I look at him, and am shocked that we ended up together (17 years of knowing each other means a lot of history together!), but I honestly could not imagine spending my life with someone else

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@londongal: I think you are being smart, and he may be saying those things (your response to merenquito) because he doesn’t like change, and you guys have been able to get over things in the past. But, you shouldn’t settle just because he wants to, you really need to do whats best for you, and if moving on is, then you have to do it. I know its horrible to think about, but remember, its the rest of your life!

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@londongal: Awww ((HUGS)). Being away from my husband for more than a day, I miss him so much. I talk to him multiple times a day, and we text all the time. Does he miss you when he’s gone?  I think its a big red flag that you don’t miss him. but that’s just my opinion.

But i also believe in soulmates and all that gushy stuff as well. I have never before felt about a person like I do about my husband, and I honestly don’t think I could. I don’t believe we were made for each other, but I do believe that the way we ended up, it was just too crazy not to realize that there was something bigger than us at work. I was always the person who thought I wouldn’t get married until I was well into my 30s, and I ended up falling for my husband at 20 years old! I still remember the night I called my bff and told her, “I’m in real trouble here, I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him.” after a huge fight with him. I never wavered after that night, and we pretty much stopped fighting once he admitted that he felt the same way, and all the fighting was just due to the fact that neither of us wanted to face the fact that we had both just gotten torn apart in our past relationships, and here we were, falling in love with a person we never thought in a million years we could love.

Once you find that person, it will hit you like you walked into a wall. That’s how it worked for me, anyway

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m not sure what you are disagreeing on, but I think the important thing is you need to decide if being married to your Fiance is more important than whatever you would be giving up. Almost no couples have the same life goals, watns and needs at first, but the beauty of marriage is that our personal goals become shared goals since we love each other so much and just want the other person to be happy. But the love and desire to be together has to exist first, if it doesn’t then you might be with the wrong person.

Post # 15
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@londongal: I think it’s a little tough to give advice on such HUGE life things, and I usually don’t do it – but, I’m going to.  I think you should postpone your wedding.  You are dreading it (for valid or invalid reasons – it doesn’t matter).  It doesn’t matter if you think you are creating an ideal that doesn’t exist.  I’m not saying you should necessarily break up with your Fiance (even though that may be a result), but I am saying you need to postpone the wedding and put planning on hold until you can move forward with a happy heart.

All of the questions you are asking yourself will only turn into “DID I marry the right man” – not “Am I marrying the right man”

Take a look at this article – maybe it will help:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/doubts-before-marriage_b_919868.html

From what you’ve written, it sounds like your gut is crying out – but for whatever reasons you wish things were different.  That doesn’t make you or him a bad person – it’s just reality.

And, if you think about it – if that’s the case, you are doing both you and he a big favor by releasing him to find someone that will be happy with him and releasing you to live your life the way you wish.

The topic ‘not sure FI is right person for my future’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors