(Closed) Not sure how I feel about a "substitute guest" on a RSVP postcard

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I allow the substitute guest?

    Yes, as she lives 3 hours away.

    No, you don't know her friend and she knows several guests already.

    Undecided, I'm on the fence just like you are.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    View original reply
    @abbylyn:  agreed.

    It’s rude of her, but I think this is a battle not worth fighting.  There are worse things to deal with when it comes to weddings.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2135 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Since she will know plenty of people, I don’t think that she needs the +1 if you have budget/space restrictions.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I hate the switcheroo and experienced it with a few of my guests.  I put a stop to it.  Our wedding was intimate wtih only those we really wanted there and I did not want random people there.  If she will know others there, I don’t see the need for making an exception for her.

    Post # 20
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Since she is such a close friend I’d say let her.  It is so frustrating..we have about 5 substitute guests — it crawls all over me.

    Post # 21
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I had a couple switcheroos late in the game and at this point, Fiance and I are like, “Whatever.” All of our guests are from different parts of our lives so I didn’t think that a few switcheroos would’ve been a problem and it wouldn’t be as obvious as a bunch of children coming to a formerly adults-only reception, for example.

    Post # 22
    Member
    7288 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    If she had been dating someone you had never met would it be a problem?

    I consider this simply a +1, so if you have given her a plus one l, than I guess it shouldn’t really matter who it is, unless you want a strict no strangers policy or something.

    Its up to you!

    EDiT: I missed the part where you said you addressed it specifically to her partner and her. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I guess I don’t see three hours being that long a distance. In college, I drove twice that home on a regular basis and most times it was alone. Is the issue cost of gas, safety, needing someone to defray the cost of the hotel room (but if she knows people couldn’t she make plans to bunk up with one of them?) I hear this a lot, that people shouldn’t have to travel alone to a wedding, but I don’t get what’s so difficult about it?

    Post # 24
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Obviously, I think substitute guests are extremely bad manners and that an adult should be able to handle some drive by themselves to go to something important like a close friend’s wedding.

    Post # 25
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I voted YES to the replacement.

    Normally, anyone suggesting an addition or substitute is definitely RUDE and for that reason alone would be a NO in my books.

    BUT, in this case I am going to go against that grain, because the situation pulls at my heart-strings.  You did invite Her and Her Fiance (who happens to be in the military).  So you were set up to potentially feed etc the two of them.

    Because, and I mean SOLELY BECAUSE her Fiance is in the Military, I’d be willing to make an exception for this friend. I say this because,

    1- He and She are making a great sacrifice for their Country (yes folks Fiances, Wives and Partners of those in the Military, as well as other Public Services such as Policemen, Firemen, EMTs, Doctors & Nurses) make HUGE sacrifices for the rest of us.  Often putting things aside so they can “take care” of a situation that benefits all of us as a socity.

    2- Partners of those in the above professions, make endless sacrifices over their lifetime, missing out on a whole host of events, because “their loved one” isn’t available.

    3- She probably would really love to be able to attend something so great as this with a GF (many partners say they spend a lot of time not socializing because being the odd-man out means they don’t feel comfortable attending, or just are not invited)

    That said, I’d call her back and tell her how pleased to hear she is coming, you were afraid she wouldn’t with him away.  You’ll be make the necessary adjustments to add her friend’s name onto the List etc. (Be happy about the news genuinely… do mention the changes, but don’t dwell on them)

    As an Engaged Person, truly she may not know it now how this whole Etiquette thing works, but I am sure she will appreciate it / figure out herself when her own Wedding Plans progress.  Then she’ll realize how classy you were to not mention her faux pas, and make her friend feel so welcome (do make a point of meeting the friend too when she is at the Wedding)

    Etiquette is a two way street… sometimes you gotta know when to overlook something for the betterment of the situation… as a Future Military Wife, she really deserves some great caring friends who recognize the contribution her family is making.

     

    Post # 26
    Member
    2031 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Personally, I would never expect someone to come to a wedding alone, so I always planned on everyone bringing a guest.  If you were willing to pay for her fiance, you’re not spending any more money for her guest and she’ll have someone to talk to during dinner, dancing and what not.  Even if she knows people there, they will likely be entertaining and dancing with their own dates, and your friend will be sitting alone.  Just my thoughts.  

    Post # 27
    Member
    1920 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I know the feeling. It really annoyed me when people put substitute guests on their RSVPs. However, she is travelling a long ways to be at your wedding. And you made you guest list budgeting for her to have a guest so no matter who it is, that doesn’t change the budget. I would just let her have it.

    Post # 28
    Member
    1660 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’d allow the friend since she’s traveling and you’d already counted a +1 for her… though I see where you’re coming from.

    My aunt did this at my wedding… her boyfriend couldn’t go at the last minute and she came with a girlfriend I’d never met instead. She was driving 8 hours though, so I completely understood. HOWEVER, her random friend gave an interview (by herself!) that’s included in my wedding video!!! There’s only about 10-15 interviews on the video and one of them is that random lady! UndecidedSo just don’t let the friend do that! It bothers me a little, but kinda makes me laugh at the same time because it is SO random!!!

    Post # 29
    Member
    9831 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    Don’t allow a +1, she will know other people there, and you invited her and her fiance by name, you didn’t just say her name ‘and guest’. Yes she is travelling but that doesn’t mean she automatically gets to bring someone you don’t know along. Talk to her and explain that the invitation was to her and her fiance but it is unfortunate that he can’t make it

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