(Closed) not sure how much longer I can wait

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
231 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have any real advice and I am sure some lovely ladies here will have great words of wisdom but I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are having such a rough time and I hope things come together soon! You deserve it!

Post # 4
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh my, it sounds like you are in a tough spot. I wish I had some great advice, but I don’t. I hope that you are able to find a way to express your feelings, without ruining a potential surprise.

Post # 5
14658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it sounds like you should sit tight and give him a little more time before bringing it up again.  He wants to surprise you, so bringing it up again is just going to ruin that for him.  It’s clear that you are a huge part of his life – the fact that you he is having you file for joint custody (I’m assuming joint since you said “we filed for custody”) of his child is a HUGE commitment imo, just as big as the engagement.  And he’s calling you his fiance to the courts, that’s pretty real and “offical”.  If it came to the welfare and custody my child, I would not lie about something like that to the courts!  It honestly sounds like the actual proposal to truely make it official in your eyes and ring is going to come soon.

Post # 6
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wish I had advice for you. Personally I would tell him he can’t refer to you as his fiance until he asks and you have a ring on your finger. Thats probably what bothered me most about reading your post. As for children, have you discussed a timeline for that? I’m sure this is a sore point, but he has to know that you are only capable of having children until a certain age, and it definately gets more difficult as you approach that age. Would you two consider TTC before marraige (I’m not a fan of that but maybe you are)? How long of an engagement would you want if you’re not going to TTC until after the wedding? I think those are questions you two need to discuss and think about as a couple. I’m sure its on your mind, but it might not be on his because he is a guy and they can basically have kids until they die (my gpa had a kid in his 70s) so there is probably less of a sense of urgency for him.

Post # 7
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My initial reaction is that there are some serious, stressful situations going on in your life and his.  A custody battle is a difficult, emotional time.  Could it be that this is taking a majority of his focus and maybe dampening the romantic mood he wants to feel before proposing?  Try having a heart to heart w your SO to see where he’s at mentally, emotionally, etc.  He’s very likely super stressed and feeling like the time isn’t “right” for him to officially make that next step.

Post # 8
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know it’s hard to wait but there comes a time to ‘fish or cut bait’. If you went diamond shopping over a year ago and he refers to you as a fiancee, he’s got that part set in his head. After living together for 2 years, planning on custody of a child together, and considering your age, I think the big romantic engagement may be unnecessary and a diversion on his part. I’ve been through a similar situation. We’d been living together for 2 years, & we sent materials to an out of state jewelery designer last April for an engagement ring but he didn’t get the finished ring back to my Fiance until November (when he proposed on the 3rd anniversary of the date we met -it was a surprise to me because I didn’t know the ring was finished & delivered). Prior to that, we went to a dr’s appt for my FI and I went in with him. The dr asked what my relationship was to him and we both said, “Well, girlfriend  or fiancee”. The dr looked at me and laughed and said, “Has he asked you?” and when I said “No, not yet”, the dr said “Well then you’re still just his girlfriend.” I would tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend that until he asks you officially, he cannot tell people (and you will NOT represent yourself as )you’re his fiancee. I wouldn’t refer to myself as that in court or anywhere if I were you. I’d also tell him that the whole waiting for the ring and his proposal is getting old, losing meaning and you’re either in or out. I don’t care what stresses are involved, he’s misrepresenting you without the commitment. It sounds like you’re giving more than you’re getting emotionally – it’s time for him to make you the priority if he expects you to stay with him. Don’t make excuses for him to not make the committment to you. That devalues you and lets him know it’s ok to do that. In My Humble Opinion

Post # 10
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you can talk to him about anything, you should tell him the truth: You’re too old to be playing this game. You’re not getting younger, and you want marriage and kids ASAP. He shouldn’t be surprised.

At this point, it’s not about the proposal, the engagement, the wedding; it’s about his child and your desire to get pregnant (which is only going to become harder as time goes on). Tell him to cut out the cute stuff and get to the point.

Post # 11
69 posts
Worker bee

To me, it sounds like it is coming very soon.  It’s pretty clear that he’s not going anywhere and it sounds like he’s aware of the expectations.  Is he a big surprise guy? I would be willing to bet that he has something planned.  Perhaps after the custody situation is taken care of, so that you can focus on being happy and engaged once custody has been granted.

I understand how hard it is to wait.  I’m watching friends that began their relationships a year ago or less get engaged and plan weddings (it seems like everything is a rush after 30)  I’ve had my fair share of not eing able to take it anymore.  

What helped was having an honest discussion with SO.  I asked what his intentions were and told him what I wanted in life (marriage, a child or two).  I told him that he didn’t have to make any promises, but he needed to be very honest with me if he didn’t see this happening with the two of us.  We discussed a general time frame and he agreed to be more open about the marriage talk; I agreed to lay off the histrionics whenever I was faced with friends announcing engagments.  

I really hope it comes soon for you.  It sounds like you’ve been a really good support system for your SO.  He’s lucky to have you.

Post # 12
1075 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t have much in the way of advice for you, but I agree with PPs that are saying not to let him call you his Fiance yet. It doesn’t seem fair that he accuses you of “taking the mystique out of it” yet he is the one rounding you up to Fiance. It would also look bad if he was caught doing this in court, because it implies a level of stability that they may not consider to be there if he hasn’t proposed yet.

It really irks me when guys do this, it just seems unfair. I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it, but I think you would feel better if he wasn’t giving himself credit for something he hasn’t done yet!

Post # 13
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

@redheadem:  This. Exactly.

If he doesn’t realize that you have limited time to have a baby, make sure he does.  If he does realize it, make it clear that while a big proposal would be awesome, its not even close to worth delaying your marriage, the part you really care about.  The rest of it is just window dressing!  I would not focus on the ring, but on the marriage part.

Post # 14
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I didn’t read the other comments so I am not sure if I am repeating what was said before but here is my advice.

Think of a date sometime this year. Like either December, or if that is too long, maybe September – whatever works for you but be reasonable.

Tell your SO that this has been really hard for you. You have very valuable points there and you can bring them up, however I would use your age as the main factor ( not really what you do for him as that is something you have agreed to already ) Let him know that it is unhealthy for you and let him know it is serious.

Tell him that you respect his ideas of this wonderful surprise he is planning however you want you both to compromise. Tell him that you have been thing of this a lot and you will feel a lot better and be able to function if he proposes by the month of your choice. Anytime before that timeline will be good. Once you can agree on this, it will be easier on you.

You will be able to see a bit more distant point into the future which will allow you to enjoy each day, maybe even program yourself into thinking that he will do it on that last day of your timeline, this way you will really be surprised when it happens earlier 🙂

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