(Closed) Not sure how to address something that happened …

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Honestly, I think you are overreacting.  Some people don’t have a good filter for their thoughts – and it sounds like it was just a comment (not intended to be malicious).  If you think about it – it was an observational statement.  

Granted – g’ma could have said a billion other things – but, having struggled with weight my entire life, I wouldn’t make this the hill to die on.

Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

That seems a little harsh to completely cut her out like that.  I think old people just have a tendency to say what’s on their mind with no filter.. Lord knows my grandmother does it all the time.  I think your husband should just sit her down and address the issue directly.  Let her know that what she said was hurtful and unneccesary.  It sounds like she gets away with this stuff because no one in the family ever calls her out on it.  Give her a chance to apologize and make amends.  If she continues to behave this way after you have talked with her, then feel free to take more drastic steps.

Post # 5
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Little old ladies can get away with murder, I swear. My nana’s words would get her into trouble all the time but ultimately she never really changed.

I bet the saddest part is she doesn’t even think what she says is offensive. Since nobody has ever taken her to task on this before, your husband taking a hard line with her now will probably come as a great shock. If he is prepared to deal with the fallout, more power to him. I’d let him steer the way on this one though…it is his grandmother to put up with.

 

Post # 6
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

My grandmother can be the same way, and talking to her about it makes no difference. My solution? I limit my contact with her to the extreme. 

She even said something rude to my Mother-In-Law at my wedding, and I was put into the position of having to apologize for her behavior. Some people are just assholes, even old people!

Post # 7
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

You said that no one has ever confronted her about her behavior. Instead of cutting her off, why not tell her that the comment hurt, upset, and offended your entire family, including your husband, and that it will take a long time to get over.

Post # 8
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Yikes!

I think it might be better to focus on your sister rather than the grandmother.  Showing her how much you value you her contribution to the wedding and your life together is a positive way of showing how much she means to you.

Post # 10
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

As the granddaughter of a woman who sounds identical to your DH’s grandmother, I totally understand. My grandmother pretty much has no filter and spent most of her life insulting my sister and I (my sister mostly since she’s always been a big girl) as well as anyone else within earshot. Much like your grandmother, she alienated herself from all of her friends and family. It’s quite sad really. I’m sorry to hear DH’s grandmother was so mean to your family, it’s really inappropriate. I wish I had some advice, but we didn’t really ever find a way to manage it either! Seriously, the only way we’ve escaped it is that now she’s suffering from Alzheimers and is living in a totally different period of time in her mind and is happy as a clam. I’ve honestly never seen her happy before and it’s the best case of a worst case scenario. My mom grew up with her mother being a mean and rude woman for 50-some odd years, and while I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on any one, it’s nice to finally see her happy and at peace. For the first time in my life I can enjoy spending time with her. It feels awful to say that, trust me.

I suppose it could have been worse, she could have walked up to your youngest sister and said “Boy you’re fat!” or “That dress looks awful on you!”. Unfortunately the only thing you can really do in this situation is for you and Darling Husband (and potentially his parents) to apologize to your family. Let them know this is her personality and her awful character trait. I understand why you guys are so mad and why you’d want to cut her out of your lives, but I would just limit your contact with her in the future. If you told her she was mean she likely wouldn’t understand why what she said was hurtful or even admit to saying it. Families. I know.

Post # 11
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Do you think she even remembers making that comment?

Does she have any diagnosed (or perhaps un-diagnosed) issues with Dementia or Alzheimer’s? 

While un-called for, I seriously wouldn’t read that deep into it. I’d roll my eyes and say, “Oh grandma, that’s not nice.” end of story. She honestly probably doesn’t realize she was out of line. 

Post # 12
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I can see that you and your husband are really upset about this but honestly I don’t think I would have taken it as hard had it happened to me at my wedding especially knowing beforehand that the grandma is very crass and rude. I would have told my sister OMG, that lady’s crazy… and left it at that. My feelings are what are you gonna do? Everyone has different personalities and she’s family now… Lots of people in my family are crazy and out spoken and can be down right rude and obnoxious but really, they are family and everyone knows that they’re crazy like that. I’m sure there’s going to be LOTS of moments like that at my wedding but that’s because I know my family and I know what to expect. Sorry this doesn’t help…

Post # 13
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ms Mini:  I absolutely think it should be addressed.  She won’t know her words hurt people unless someone tells her.  I just think it should be addressed in a less harsh manner.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bakerella: My grandmother (mom’s side) was the same. As she went downhill it got worse. It was like she didn’t understand what was happening and the small filter she did have was non existent. I can totally see her saying something like the OP’s grandmother. As her Dementia got worse and worse she got sweeter and sweeter. It was the best relationship she and my mom ever had… and I’m not sure she knew she was even alive at that point. Off in her own world.

As people age, they go through crazy stages, and sometimes you don’t realize something is “off.” Honestly, I have no idea who is more upset about this. You, Darling Husband, your sister? Of course she didn’t deserve to be “blindsided” but I don’t know, maybe I just don’t understand why it’s such a horrible elaborate “cut her out of the family” ordeal. Y’all knew before she was crazy… Perhaps your sister is sensitive about her weight but Grandma doesn’t know that, just as how your sister apparently didn’t know she was crazy. I just personally think this situation is blown way out of proportion. 

Thank her for whatever gift, and tell your sister that your “sorry you have a crazy grandmother in law” and leave it at that. I’m sorry, but Grandma is family and who knows how much time she has left. My Grandmother as I said was no picnic, and we all had strained relations with her, but I still treasure the moments we had, and I’m glad we didn’t write her off. I’d give anything to have her make a stupid comment at my wedding but she won’t be there as she’s gone now. 

Post # 15
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

My grandmother is the same way!  If we are going some place with lots of people (family outing & etc) I also tell her in the car to keep her mouth closed.  That if she wants to say something negative..hold it until she is in the car.  Most of the time she is pretty good and will forget about anything she will have to say-shes 82!  

I also have to keep a close eye on her and if she starts to say something I give her the evil stare LOL!!  

I would have your husband say something to the grandmother, but in her old age..she’s not going to change or even see what she said was wrong.  Maybe she will apologize to your sister, but I doubt it.  

I would just make sure that your sister(s) knows that it wasn’t a personal attack from Grandma..she just likes to talk.  I know that I would take what an old person has to say with a grain of salt.  And as long as your younger sister knows she’s healthy then to shrug it off..its not like she has to see this person all the time.

The topic ‘Not sure how to address something that happened …’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors