(Closed) Not sure how to approach this suspicion?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

If you are all on a same FB group, maybe using it to schedule your plays, and he doesn’t have his own FB I would think he is probably logged on into your FB in order to be notified of anything that happens there (for example, if they decide to meet X day to play or if they are sharing some jokes). If he didn’t seemed worried when both your phones were off he probably isn’t using it for anything shady, like checking on you and so on. 

I honestly don’t see why you can’t just tell him what you just told us. I don’t believe there is no way you could say it without he being defensive -it is a natural reaction to act defensive when being accused- but if you explain to him that you’re not angry but just curious he might explain you in a calm way.

In fact, my Darling Husband once did this to me. I used his phone once to log in to Weddingbee and I forgot to close my session. He found out and started reading my posts (LOL) and out of nowhere told me “So, this is what you thought about X thing”. My first reaction was defensive (“I was exaggerating”) but then he told me he was just curious about it and that he wasn’t checking on me just wanted the gossip, which made me explain to him calmly that, yes, I had used his cellphone and forgot to logg off. 

So, just be honest with him 🙂 chances are the reasons behing this are very simple and even silly.

Post # 32
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

menopaws3 :  I’m so sorry.  What a difficult place to be in!  I think, you know it’s going to be a weird and maybe hard situation either way — so it’s literally just bringing it up that may be the hardest part.  

Just ask and see what happens?  His response should give you a lot more information about which direction the conversation will go.  If he seems oblivious, just ask for his phone and say something like “I should have signed out of here, sorry you keep getting those!” or just say “hey i know you’re getting my messages and it’s okay but it’s kind of weird at the same time.  do you read them, too?” 

Or if he is guilty of it or seems to act like yes he’s getting your messages, then you can look him in the eye and say, “hey is everything okay with us?   i know there are some trust issues and I’m concerned that you’re monitoring my facebook because that makes me feel like you don’t trust me and honestly for me it feels really weird and uncomfortable that you would be doing that without telling me because it kinda violates my trust in you, too, you know.  So let’s talk about it.  What’s going on?”

Also–the one factor i wonder about is that his phone was going off too—if he didn’t want you to know he’s getting those, it seems like he would have tried to hide it more maybe?  I think you can address it point blank and try to get to the “why” pretty quick without just accusing him.  If nothing’s going on, he’ll understand why it’s weird.  If something is going on, you’re giving him a good chance to come clean and express his concerns.

Post # 33
Member
10016 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

menopaws3 :  There is something called stonewalling that might be his style.  If so, that’s an unhealthy way of communicating, or, essentially avoiding communication.  People like that are quiet on the outside, usually non-confrontational, refuse to talk, and prefer to “push things under the rug.”  But stonewalling doesn’t solve anything, it’s just a form of denying your problems even exist.

What do you really feel in your gut is going on?  Do you feel he is checking up on you or do you feel there is a different explanation to what is going on?  Do you think he doesn’t trust you or do you think he’s trying to build trust?  I realize it’s a fine line but there is a distinction between the two.

Post # 35
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

As someone who has pretty severe trust issues (b/c of experience, not paranoia) I can empathize with where he’s coming from.

You are confused because you think he should just be able to come to you and have you reassure him. The problem with that is that cheaters lie. To FULLY feel like he can trust you, he needs to read the stuff you’re writing without you knowing. That way, he feels he can catch you if you’re being dishonest.

I used to check my SO’s phone when he didn’t know I had his passcode. I felt satisfied he wasn’t cheating or being inapproriate.

Then we agreed to share our codes with each other and suddenly I worried that (b/c he knows I’m looking) he may be being inappropriate but just deleting it all as it happens so as not to get caught.

It’s a completely irrational fear – I know that! He’s proven to me time and time again he’s not the sort to do that, and I know he’s different from guys I’ve dated in the past. But my animal brain has learned to be suspicious, so it is.

I even have such crazy thoughs as “he could have a separate phone I don’t even know about!!” or “he could be using the seemingly defunct whatsapp app to cheat ALL DAY at work and then delete all activity before he comes home and I would never know!” It’s a really slippery slope that quickly leads to feelings of craziness. It seems to me he’s just casually trying to watch your activity while you are unaware of his surveillance, therefore reassuring himself of what he already knows to be true – you are faithful.

I am aware that my trust issues are my OWN, and that they are not healthy, and I am continually working on them. I’m sure your husband is, too.

I am unsure why he allows the notifications to go off – if I were trying to sneakily spy on my SO, I’d turn off notifications for sure.

How to approach it… IF he is a healthy person, he shouldn’t be getting defensive or stonewalling. I’d just mostly ask questions, that way he can’t interpret anything you say as an attack or accusation. Hopefully, he will be honest with you and you can take this opportunity to once again reassure him that you would never be unfaithful to him.

Post # 36
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

What I find most concerning about this post is why can’t you just straight up ask him whats up? Why the need to walk on eggshells? 

Post # 39
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, the wisest thing you could probably do here is to allow him to continue watching you. If he’s anything like me, he’ll just check in every so often and continue to feel more and more reassured until he stops looking altogether.

But the phones going off at the same time definitely gets in the way of doing that.

Just be prepared for fallout. He’s happy right now because he feels he has a window into your activity that you’re unaware of. When you take that away from him by letting on that you know he’s in there, even if you allow him to stay logged in, he’ll feel a little desperate again and probably start to seek another way to have that secret window to reassure himself that he’s not “playing the fool.”

I feel for him, I really do, and I think it’s wonderful of you to be so gentle with him on this subject, and to bring understanding and patience to the table.

I’m sure you’ll be able to get across to him that you’re not upset and that you want to help him through this struggle.

Post # 40
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

No, he might not. He imght not even want to admit it to HIMSELF, really. It’s hard for MOST people to admit to themselves that they have issues. This may just be an area where you know to be extra cautious and reassuring and patient, and you look out for him before he feels a need to look out for himself.

My SO is a people-pleaser, and his abusive ex took advantage of that to get her own needs met 100% of the time while forcing him to let his own go unmet.

Knowing that, I recognize that I need to do extra work in the area of making sure he’s getting HIS needs met. I will bend over backwards every single time if I even have an INKLING he needs something. He mentions hesitantly that a friend invited him to go fishing Sunday but he knows we already made plans to go to a matinee? I was really looking forward to going to the matinee? Every single time I will immediately tell him to go fishing with his bud. He offers to cook dinner, but I can tell he’s stressed out and tired from a bad day at work? I say no thanks, I’ll cook!

For this reason, he has slowly learned to trust that I won’t ever try to make my own happiness more important than his, or control him in any way.

That’s what relationships are about, supporting each other through struggles!

Post # 41
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

menopaws3 :  This sounds ridiculous to me. How is it better to tell your sister and a friend instead of simply asking him directly?

 

Post # 43
Member
503 posts
Busy bee

I am sorry bee, I don’t have the answer for you. It’s odd, especially that he didn’t flinch to look at the notification. 

Was is the facebook messenger sound? I wonder if you could have her do it again and say “I didn’t know you had fb”? or something to that extent. 

Post # 44
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

You are making me worry with your responses. You sound afraid of your H. If I were you I’d say hey I think I left FB logged in on your phone, can I borrow it to log me out? And that would be it. No sneaking around about it. 

 

Is your H controlling in other areas of your life?

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