(Closed) Not sure how to approach this suspicion?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

duchessgummybunns :  I dont want to thread-jack, but your post #35 really struck me.

I am just starting to date again after many years of ex-husbands infedility and am finding myself battling these irrational fears. I’m not seriously dating anyone, but have been going on dates with a man with potential and he knows a bit about my past. He’s happy to move slowly so I can work through things and knows I come with baggage.. I’m logical but sometimes I have a wave of crazy :). I KNOW my thoughts are super irrational but then again I think that someone was able to fool me for YEARS. I know I’m smarter now but I dont entirely trust my judgement yet. How do you make those fears buzz off so I can enjoy getting to know someone and not be such a crazy-pants?! 

Post # 48
378 posts
Helper bee

duchessgummybunns : If I found out my friend’s Darling Husband was reading all my private messages to her I’d be furious and disturbed. Huge invasion of privacy. If she planned to “let him continue monitoring her” like you suggest, She would have to basically make a public annoucement to anyone on her FB that if they send her a PM, he will be reading it. It would be so unethical for her not to tell them… =/

Post # 49
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Charliejeorge :  I totally get what you’re feeling. I was in a long abusive marriage in which I was lied to and manipulated repeatedly and it’s hard to trust again. I told Darling Husband all of this from the get go and when I found myself giving into the crazy and checking his phone and stuff, I admitted it to him, we work through it together, and he doesn’t hide anything from me. I think knowing and understanding that invading someone else’s privacy is wrong, is key, don’t allow yourself to justify your actions because of your past, keep yourself accountable and keep working on your issues. I am in a really good place now but it has taken years. 

Post # 50
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

menopaws3 :  I agree with some PP, that it concerns me that you feel you need to run tests, and get others involved, rather than simply bring it up to him.

If it was me, I would straight up say hey, why is your phone going off every time I get a FB notification?  My FB shouldn’t be logged in on your phone.

I wouldn’t be treating him like a child, saying things like ohh I might have left FB logged in on your phone.  You know you didn’t do that. 

He has no right to be angry, you have not done anything.  If he does get angry, it’s only because he’s been caught.

Your posts and most of the comments are all about how he might feel.   From what you’ve said, you have not cheated on him or given him any reason to suspect it.  You have also not agreed to him logging into your account.  If my Fiance figured out my password and logged AND kept it logged in for any reason, I’d be furious.  That’s next level from just snooping.  I wouldn’t take the ‘my ex cheated on me’ excuse either, are you his ex?   I would feel incredibly disrespected. 


Post # 51
946 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

I agree with msbeee : you sound afraid of him, or what his reaction will be.  I don’t know, I guess my relationships have always been very transparent – good or bad.  I would be super pissed if my husband pulled something like this on me, it seems so icky and controlling to me.  

Post # 52
3877 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Just change your password and he won’t be able to get back in. However you really should be able to just ask him about this. 

Post # 53
3064 posts
Sugar bee

Go to your computer, change your Facebook password, and it gives you the option to log out of all devices. Do that, and if it happens again, then you know he’s legit snooping. Otherwise, who knows maybe you did log in some time.

Either way, I would ask him point blank why his phone is receiving notifications for your Facebook. 

Post # 55
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I just wanted to add that it’s super unethical for letting your spouse just going through your messages. The questions is not only whether you’re okay with it, but if the people writing you know thay your SO reads that. If my friend messages me about her relationship problems, it’s between me and her. If she messages me about her miscarriage struggle, she might not necessarily want my Fiance to know that too. 

so I am absolutely appaled that you were given some advice to do nothing and just let your SO monitor your fb activity. It’s seriously unethical and unfair to others. 

Post # 56
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

menopaws3 :  That’s great that it turned out to be nothing

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