(Closed) Not sure how to continue with this relationship

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

First off, Welcome to the Hive!

It sounds  like your SO wants a more stable financial life and wants to be in a better position before getting married and starting a family. I wouldn’t fault him for that. However, I certainly understand your frustration. Have you guys really sat down and had a discussion about your expectations? It’s not healthy to carry on this bitterness, especially if no real discussion has happened in regards to your expectations in your relationship and life in general.

Is he doing anything to put himself in a better position where he CAN be more financially stable? I would have an in depth discussion with him about your feelings, expectations, and future goals.

Post # 4
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@trixyair:  You will find many, many Bees whom have been or are in your same situation, and so you picked a great site to vent!

Aside from bringing up the topic of marriage and family, in such ways as “I want it in our future, how do you feel about it” type of conversations, I think you need to ask for a timeline.  Sure, he wants a house. Sure, he wants a better job, but those are not concrete.  That could take 2 months or 5 years.  It would be more valid, and you would probably understand his position more if you saw him actively applying for jobs, actively saving for a ring, or actively engaging you in house hunting.  Without those things, he is just saying words, and not showing activity.

I think that is the direction you need to take these conversations.  When do you plan to do a, b, or c, and then let him know the maximum amount of time you are willing to sit and ‘wait’.  I am not a fan of ultimatums, but without more specifics, I would be prone to give one here 🙁

Post # 5
2946 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@trixyair:  I think the biggest red flag is that this isn’t the first time he has an “excuse” or conditions.  If it was the first time, that would be different. 

I would establish a time line for you, and then tell him what it is.  You really can’t sit and wait forever for him to be ready.  It’s not fair to either of you.  You will resent him, and he will start to feel that and likely resent you too. 

Post # 6
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@trixyair:  First of all, welcome!

This one’s tricky – being in a better position financially is a valid reason to hold off on marriage, and he may be struggling with the fact that you are in a better position financially.  You said:

but I feel when you are ready to do it, you just go for it.

That may be how you feel but it doesn’t sound that’s how he feels, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Some people are risk takers, jump right in kind of people, and some people are risk-averse, logical, practical people. 

Since we just know what you told us over a computer, and you know him, I say – go with your gut.  If you truly believe it’s just about the financials, you should definitely sit down and talk about it with him but in a very non-confrontational way.  You can discuss finances together in general, and then lead the conversation into marriage, etc. and what sort of financial state does he want to be in before that next step is taken, etc.  How is he going to get there? What steps is he taking to improve his situation? Etc.

If your gut tells you it’s just an excuse, then I say make a timeline for yourself and stick to it.  You can still discuss with him what you need and how you could both move toward that goal – but if your gut is telling you he’s just coming up with excuses, hun, then trust it and move on.

Post # 7
1339 posts
Bumble bee

@trixyair:  I would ask him to move out so you can find a roommate or live by yourself for a while. He sounds like he is dragging his feet and his father isn’t helping things.

Post # 8
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@trixyair: First of all, welcome!

The first bit of advice I would give you is not to propose to him. I am not saying this because I am being traditional/old fashioned, but i say this because it sounds like it isn’t just about finances. 

The two of you need to sit down and have these difficult conversations, so that you can move forward from there. Start by asking him if he has intentions to marry you. If he does, then ask him what is really holding him back. Let him know that you hope to get engaged and married. Tell him what type of wedding you want, since you said he doesn’t know. Let him know that you don’t need something extrememly extravagent, and that you want to be married to him. 

Something that my boyfriend did was to make an expenses spreadsheet when we started talking about our future wedding. He wrote down all the current and future expenses and did all the math to see if a wedding was financially possible. I think this is something that you should do and present it to your boyfriend. If you have the finances, show him that concrete/mathematical proof. This should help him see that it is possible to get married. 

Good luck.

EDITED TO ADD: If he still doesn’t want to get married after all of this, you need to start thinking of how much longer you are willing to wait for him. If this happens, tell him that you really want this and if he doesn’t, then you aren’t willing to stay in this type of relationship forever. Your seriousness might be the wake-up call that he needs.

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