(Closed) Not sure how to handle this situation with my father (long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

Not the easiest thing to do, but I told my Dad to F*** Off and never speak to me again. He was a dick. DNA does not mean family. 

Your Dad sounds as bad as mine – he blamed everyone for his own failings. He tried to get back in touch with me a couple of years ago and I tried, I did. He berated me for not wishing him a Happy Father’s Day but then didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday 2 weeks later. I wished him a Happy Birthday in the January and… nothing. Zip. For someone who wanted ‘to rebuild our relationship’ he certainly didn’t try very hard.

So, I deleted and blocked him. My brother still sees him, but has been instructed not to breathe a word of my engagement. As far as I’m concerned, my Step Dad is the only Dad I need.

It’s tough, but severing toxic ties is the best in the long run xx

Post # 3
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
penguin14:  I’m sorry you are going through this. Without getting into detail, I have also been spending the last week considering cutting off ties with my dad for different, but surprisingly similar reasons. (These reasons have been building over years, but recent events have brought it to a head).

Your situations sounds more extreme than mine and if I were you, I would likely cut off ties. I haven’t decided on my situation yet, but I have thought a lot about what I will say and feel the same as you (I kind of know it needs to be done, but fear “ripping off the bandaid” of actually telling him). I plan to send him an email because my father doesn’t digest verbal communication well (manipulation, lies about it later, etc), so I’ve decided on email for a “paper trail” of sorts. I plan to explain some of the issues very generally – there’s no reason to get into details, becasue he doesn’t see or understand the issues – I also will let him know that I do not want excuses or explanations for these things at this point. I understand that he doesn’t really see the things he’s done in the same light as other people, and I understand that different people think and perceive things differently and I respect that, but I have to make a decision for my mental health and well being which is to cut off ties. I will be clear that I’ve thought about this for a long time and do not wish him any ill will, but there is no room for discussion.

I know it will be very hard for you and I am thinking about you (fellow penguin!). I know how difficult it’s been for me to wrestle with this over the past several weeks (and really years, but coming to a head recently) – your situation is much more extreme than mine and I can only imagine the emotional toll of it all. Taking this step will be difficult, but if you feel that your life and the lives of your family/future children would be significantly improved by going through with it, then I think it will be worth it in the end.

Post # 4
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Is it possible he’s mentally ill? 

If anyone in your life is making you unhappy move on. Regardless of who they are life’s too short. x

Post # 5
Member
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

He’s poisonous.  Cut him out of your life. . . the fact that he’s a relative doesn’t change anything.

I’ve done the same thing with my parents.  Best decision I ever made.

 

Post # 6
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Your dad sounds a lot like my bio father – not wanting to contribute financially to the family, thinking his money should be his to do what he wants with, bragging about his kids to make himself look good but not being involved, etc. I cut ties with my father when I was 17 and have never looked back, when someone is that toxic sometimes it’s the only option. It’s not always easy but when I made the decision to let go it felt very freeing and it is such a wonderful feeling not to have to concern myself with his behaviour. 

Post # 7
Member
4843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I cut out a parent because of toxic behaviour. We (family) highly suspect NPD. My narc radar is always up because of this and I realize there’s going to be bias in my case, but read this 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201303/the-narcissistic-father

and even if I’m wrong, toxic assholes don’t belong in your life regardless of how you’re related. 

eta sorry; there’s a really good book called “toxic parents”. Really good read. Really helped me with the guilt and justifucation stuff. Spoiler alert: you have no reason to feel guilty. 

Post # 8
Member
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
HappySky7:    I second Toxic Parents recommendation.  Great book – very helpful

Post # 9
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

You are well within your rights to cut him (or any toxic person) off. It does not make you a horrible person. It makes you self-aware and one who looks out for her emotional/mental health.

For what it’s worth, he sounds like he may have some sort of mental illness.

Post # 10
Member
8028 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just reading your post made me sick of your father. Id cut ties with him in a heartbeat.

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

View original reply
penguin14:  As a previous commenter asked, I also wonder about an undiagnosed mental illness. The irrational behavior, the complete absence of self-awareness, disappearing multiple times,… and your father’s behavior and choices seem to be getting progressively worse and more reckless.

It does not mean that you have to stay in touch or be in a relationship with your father, but how about encouraging him to get a check up with a mental health professional?

Post # 12
Member
9144 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
penguin14:  “I’m trying to find the courage to tell him that and not feel like I’m a horrible person.” — If you WANT to tell him and think it will make you feel better, of course you can. But you don’t have to. When someone is that disrespectful, hateful, and manipulative, you don’t owe them any explanation. I would just silently cut the ties and block him from any means of communicating. He is unlikely to be swayed by anything you say and will most likely just say more hurtful things or try to guilt you into keeping in touch.

You aren’t a horrible person for excusing someone like this from your life. He’s a horrible person for putting his own daughter into this position. It’s hard but it gets easier and the guilt becomes less as time goes on and you realize how much better your life is without the lies, stress, and drama. Best wishes.

Post # 14
Member
4843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
penguin14:  I’m glad you’re feeling hopeful. No contact is very hard. I have not only lost my abuser, I have lost my entire family. It was necessary but it is not easy.  I hope you seek a counsellor to help you through this. Mine sure helped me. Good luck to you.

Post # 15
Member
4298 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I agree with Daisy_Mae, you need to think abut what is best for you, not what is best for him, and in this situation I don’t think an explanation is necessary, as it will probably just fall on deaf ears. My vote is for quietly severing ties and going on with your life and your healthy relationships. Best of luck, Bee. 

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