(Closed) Not sure how to handle this…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i would just leave it. he graduated and that was a big accomplishment. ya having grades and a stellar gpa is ideal but paper saying he graduated is what matter most. yes he did keep his grades from you but he never said his grades were perfect. if it comes up in conversation then talk about it but dont go and get mad because he never told you. that would make it seem like you dont trust him and like to snoop.

Post # 5
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

He was probably really embarrased, is there a way maybe he tanked on one test that brought the grades down?  I mean sometimes those Prof’s like putting 40% of your final  grade on the final exam? 

I’m not sure how to bring it up without him turning it on you that you snooped.   Is this some kind of “red flag” for you with the whole relationship?  I guess that’s something you should let us know too. 

Post # 8
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is this a huge relationship ending, wedding cancelling red flag?  No.  In the end, he fibbed about something he probably thought was important to you.  By you telling him about your grades, he may have felt pressured to do as well as you and tell you about it.  When he wasn’t, he may have felt like he wasn’t measuring up.  Also, seems like the lying was some time ago.  Not condoning lying, but in the grand scheme of things, probably not a deal breaker.

To get around the snooping, just be honest.  Hey, you left this in the car and I was trying to see what it was so I didn’t throw/lose out anything important.  I couldn’t help but notice that xyz classes had different grades than you said.  What’s happened?

I know when I was in law school, I was always rounding up with my grades, so if the difference isn’t that big, that’s likely what he was doing.  After dropping 6 figures for 3 yrs of your life, often you don’t want people to know you’re not doing as well as you hoped.  That 3.35 suddenly becomes a 3.4.  The A- is an A.  

Good luck with your upcoming wedding!

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Let me guess — you get higher grades than him?  Sounds like he felt the need to lie to meet your standard.

Post # 10
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@missblueshoes: that still doesn’t excuse him lying. and on top of that, when you’re getting married to someone, i think the standard has already been met, and there is no reason to keep trying to impress someone.

Post # 11
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Sorry, but I can see his side on this one. Since you’re open about your grades, he probably felt the need to be open about his, too. But if you get higher grades than him, he probably WAS embarrassed and felt he didn’t meet your standard. I don’t think you have a reason to be pissed at him. Just have an honest discussion with him about why he felt the need to fib about his grades.

Post # 12
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with the others that he may have felt embarrassed about the grade/GPA discrepancy between you two. That’s a very human response, in my mind (although that does not merit lying, it’s good to understand why he may have done this in general).

I’d just go up to him and say “hey babe (or whatever you call him), I saw this letter with your grades; how come you said they were X?” The whole point is to not make this an attack, but to lovingly address the topic. It can be done! No aggression, hostility, or reason to act  defensive. He may respond aggressively because you’re shedding light on a lie, and that makes some squirm. If he does, perhaps he is insecure about areas of his life — most of us are! Your love and reaction can help him tremendously if he’s feeling insecure. In the grand scheme of life, can you two move on from this? Lying is terrible behavior for a marriage, so I am not trying to make light of it. At the same time, however, I want you two to be successful and not have this become WWIII if it doesn’t need to be. 

Post # 13
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I understand your situation-I went to college with my Fiance and I am a MUCH better student than him.  He is a bright guy, but is not a good studier and I was trying to get into medical school so I was busting my butt to do well.  He never lied to me about his grades but I think he was embarrassed sometimes. 

I think you should bring it up with him, not in an accusatory way but just let him know what you saw and ask why he felt the need to not tell you the truth.  I don’t think that this lie alone is worth calling off the wedding, but I think you need to be open with eachother. 

Although his lie is not drastic, things like this have led to very drastic consequences- like the guy who killed his wife becuase he had been lying about being in medical school when in reality he hadn’t even graduated college.  He didn’t want to admit his failures so instead he killed his wife to keep her quiet.

 

Post # 14
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think its fine to let it go but also worthy of confronting just because your going to be joined in marriage soon and you want to have those lines of communication open. You should be able to discuss anything with each other, even the naggy nit picky things.

So do you know his family and or friends well?

Post # 15
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@anglang25:  True – it’s no excuse to lie, but it is perspective of why he did lie.  Law school is a very competitive place (been there, done that) and it sounds like lawschool_bride’s guy has got caught-up in an ego vs. truth fib.  Even though you are getting married to someone does not mean your desire to impress that person just flies out the window — granted, you shouldn’t lie to impress, but I see why he felt he could.

Post # 16
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Talk to him about it. Tell him that you don’t give a f*** what his grades were, but that you found it unsettling that he lied about them, spontaneously and unprompted.  His response can help guide you.

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