(Closed) Not sure how we are going to compromise on this one…..

posted 5 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Are you open to keeping your name legally and professionally, but being called by his last name socially?

Post # 4
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@M1cha3la:  I kind of understand where you’re coming from. I think my fiance secretly really wants me to take his name. I’ve made it clear over the years, and recently, that I’ll either be keeping my name completely or I’ll hyphenate it. Our kids would take his name. I personally don’t see the big deal.

Post # 5
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Anise:  +1 See, I don’t even mind this idea. This is pretty much where I’m at.

Post # 6
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Since it is your name and you feel passionately about keeping it, he needs to get over it. This is your identity, not his. I think he is behaving quite childishly. He needs to start acting like a big boy and open the lines if communication with you. 

Post # 8
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@M1cha3la:  Hmm.  I’m not sure how to go about reconciling this problem then.  I don’t personally feel that it’s an empty gesture, since you’ll socially be considered part of the same family unit, but it sounds like he’s tied up in the traditional idea of you taking his name.  I don’t know that it would help, but you could point out that some cultures traditionally don’t expect the woman to change her name when she marries.

Maybe point out what a giant pain it can be to change your name, especially when it’s a task you don’t want to do? 

Also, do you view his mother as property of his dad (if she’s changed her name)?  What about your mom?

(For what it’s worth, I’m definitely changing my name when I get married, but I’ll only be adding three letters and mixing the order up a bit for it to become FI’s last name)

Post # 9
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, you both feel passionately about this, so I think instead of a discussion about WHY you’re not going to do this for him, I think you need to have a discussion on why it’s important to both of you.  I assume you have some reason other than the ‘it’s a male property thing’, because if you think about it, your current last name would indicate that you’re the property of your father.  I’m sorry, but I find it a silly reason, and my fiance are both very strong feminists.  I find that no more valid than the ‘it’s tradition’ reason, which is just as ridiculous. 

What I would ask are the REAL reasons this matters to the both of you.  For him, is he concerned that if you don’t take his name, you don’t really want him?  Or that you’re not totally committed?

For you, are you afraid that if you take his name, people will make assumptions about you?  Or that he’ll change into a chauvinist and have different expectations?

There are reasons behind what we do.  When you find out those reasons, you can have a more productive discussion.  If he is afraid that your committment is less than his, there are ways you can reassure him without a name change.  If you’re just afraid that his expectations will change, that’s certainly something to talk about.

Post # 10
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

@M1cha3la:  @Anise:  Yep, this is where I’m at too. The reality is this: when two people cannot resolve an argument, the status quo wins. The status quo involves you keeping your name. That’s just the way it is, and he will have to accept it… just as my Fiance will.

Post # 12
Member
3763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance was upset about my decision to not change my name for a long time too. Lucky after months and months he came around to it and now thinks it’s silly he argued about it. I say stick to your guns. You have tried to compromise and it is him who is being unreasonable at this point. Would he really not marry you over this? Seem silly and extreme. Hang in there!

Post # 13
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband told me he probably wouldn’t have married me if I refused to take his last name. It was something very important to him.

I have no advice but I do wish you well. I understand why it is important for some men.

 

Post # 14
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m keeping my name, and I think you should too since you feel strongly about it.  It is not his decision so he will just have to suck it up IMO.

Post # 15
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

@MariContrary:  Actually what’s ridiculous is declaring that the OP’s reason for wanting to keep her name is “not real.” There is nothing even vaguely invalid or silly about not being OK with a one-sided name change purely because it is one-sided.

@M1cha3la:  That really sucks, I’m sorry! Are you bickering about wedding issues or just in general? Either way maybe you both need a weekend off from wedding planning – come up with a few things that you both really loved when you were first dating, and do those, no wedding talk allowed. Now that you’ve made yourself clear on the name issue, I wouldn’t bring it up again.

If he brings it up, be ready with an example of a couple without a one-sided name change who inspire you with their happy and committed relationship. I think you are completely right in not dragging other disagreements into the discussion, but it does sound like he might be open to “bargaining” by trading him for a different wedding-related thing he wants. If that doesn’t work, explain that you are doing everything possible to offer compromises, but on this issue you want to meet him in the middle and not give in 100%. You’re being super nice and accommodating. Best of luck!

Post # 16
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@4cube:  honestly I find that people who say “just because” or “it’s tradition” etc tend to be people with no real reason to want something but just do. I don’t buy that. “I just do” is a cop out, the same way “I can’t help it” is.

Not that the OP’s reason for wanting to keep her name is “not real”, but for her and her Fiance to be butting heads so violently over this, it’s time to sit down and really reason out WHY this is so important to both sides. “I just do” is not going to cut it.

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