Post # 1
I was having fun thinking of and planning this day, until tonight. I was on the phone with my mom; roughly 90% of the time we talk she brings up my weight, my need to diet, etc. I’m fat, and I’m not particularly happy with it, but fiance loves me and it always seemed to bother my mom more than me.
Until tonight. Tonight I kind of snapped at her that there’s a very good chance I will be a fat bride. And she said she’ll be disappointed if I don’t lose weight before the wedding. Now all I can think of is my family looking at me disapprovingly, of my mother being disappointed instead of happy for me.
I never needed a wedding, I could elope and be happy. I just thought it would be this great, fun thing to share with my family and friends. Now I don’t know if I want it anymore.
Post # 3
Oh I’m so sorry your mother is being so unfair to you!! That is just awful. What if you limited her involvement in your wedding as much as possible? If she questions it, be honest with her! Her degrading remarks and disapproval are not something you want to be tied into the happiest day of your life! Of course, this isn’t to say that you still do HAVE to have a wedding, or that there’s anything wrong with skipping it and eloping instead, but you do seem to want to share it with others. I would try to find a way to lessen Mom’s presence in it all so that you don’t have to deal with all the negativity. Hugs to you!!
Post # 4
I am sorry you are having to go through this.
Have you tried having a sit down with your mom and letting her know that although you appreciate her concern, you would appreciate it even more if she would not say anything about your weight, and that both you and your Fiance are happy with the way you are now, so if it doesn’t bother you two, it shouldn’t bother her?
Only you can decide if you would prefer to elope or have a more traditional wedding/reception, but you shouldn’t decide it based on what others’ are saying and/or doing toward you. Whatever you decide should be based on what you and your Fiance want; not on what anyone else wants.
Post # 5
Please dont let your mom tear down your self esteem. Your FH loves you just the way you are. My mom has always called me gorda which is kind of like fatty in english. Anyways Im a size 8 or 10 in street clothes. Most people dont think of me as fat but for a long time I believed her. Now I have come to realized she doesnt have a problem with me but with herself. You are perfect!
Post # 6
Don’t let your Mother guilt you into not enjoying one of the happiest times of your life. It is your wedding, and you should feel beautiful regardless of what the scale says. I would sit her down and explain to her that her excess attention to your weight is not helpful. I would let her know that you could very well elope and be happy. Therefore, if she isn’t going to be supportive of you (all of you) then you can easily go with your original plan of eloping. Perhaps she will be a little more mum on the weight issues then. . .
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe you need to focus on you and what makes you happy. If eloping is what you want, do it!
Post # 8
Ooh, great point. If you tell your mom that she’s making you consider scrapping the wedding and eloping without her there, that may be enough to stop her!
Post # 9
Hi, Miss Intent… reading your post made me feel so badly. I have gone through the same thing- when I got engaged and I called my grandmother to tell her, she told me to just accept that I was always going to be a big girl and I would probably be a big bride. I am a size 16. Comments like that have always bothered me immensely and made me very upset.
Your mom is kind of taking to a new level though… I wonder if she has any idea how your comments affect you. Maybe you should print this all out and show it to her, let her read it and see how we’ve all responded. Maybe she will get defensive, but maybe she will also realize she is making you feel like you should ditch the whole wedding and elope because the wedding has become about your weight and not your future lifetime with the love of your life.
And that’s just what your wedding should be- it’s about your marriage and the love of your life- you should be so happy that day- do what you need to do to make yourself the happiest. If it’s eloping, and your Fiance is on board, I say go for it! Whatever makes you two happy.
Again I am so sorry to hear stories like this… I do not think people ever realize the weight of their opinons and comments =(
Post # 10
you will be absolutely beautiful at your wedding! i’m sorry your mom is being such a bitch. i would put myself on a “mom diet” if i were you…tell her she is way out of line, and then don’t talk to her as often. don’t talk to her about the wedding at all. if she tries to bring up your weight, immediately shut her down. tell her you don’t need her negativity. hopefully she’ll realize how destructive her words are and come around. maybe she’s just jealous — did she have a big wedding? is she married?
Post # 11
This problem is 100% your mother and not you. It is making me so sad that she’s doing this to you – it’s really destructive, harmful behavior.
I agree with others who’ve said you need to tell her outright that if she is not comfortable with you being a bride as you are, then she is not going to be invited to the wedding, or at the very least not going to be included in any of the planning.
Post # 12
You need to do what is right for YOU. And if that’s sharing with your family and friends, then great, but if it’s eloping and being happy, then that’s great too. Tell mom to shove it.
Post # 13
Thank you for all the kind responses, it really means a lot to get so much support.
Cried on fiance’s shoulder for a while last night and we talked about it. I think it’s so much worse because I know my mom doesn’t mean this maliciously, she’s worried about my health but going about it the wrong way. I’ve decided I’m going to sit down with my mom tomorrow evening and tell her that while I appreciate that she’s worried about my health, her reaction isn’t helping and is doing more harm than good.
Post # 14
Please do not let anyone make you feel less than amazing! You deserve to do whatever it is that makes you happy. If that is a big wedding then honey you go for it! Big girls are just as beautiful in my opinion as any other. I may be bias since I am a size 18/20, but no one deserves to be treated as less than amazing simply because of their wieght! I wish you lots of luck and please just follow your heart and have the most amazing wedding!
Post # 15
I am so sorry that you’re dealing with stuff like this during what’s supposed to be one of the most exciting times in your life. I have been dealing with a weight-obsessed family my whole life. They never get off my back. No matter how much you tell yourself you won’t let it get to you, it still stings, and puts a huge grey cloud over everything.
You mentioned in your post that you’re “not particularly happy” with your current weight. I’m going to share what helped me get through the roughest years I had when dealing with my body (self-criticism led to obsession which led to anorexia in my teen years). If you want to make some lifestyle changes, focusing on “losing weight” is the quickest way to burn out. When I made a commitment to health, not weight loss, my whole focus changed. I couldn’t control the rate at which my body shed pounds, but I COULD control the choices I made daily. So, I hid the scale and set a goal for myself that had nothing to do with weight: I wanted to get to the point where I could run, consistently, for 45 minutes or more. I studied nutrition and learned what I needed to eat to keep my energy up. I made exercise a fixture in my schedule. I’m not saying I didn’t have moments where I slipped into body-hating territory, but I made an effort to keep myself focused on my goal. I learned how certain foods made me feel and I became a much more conscientious eater. I thought of my body as a furnace, and I only wanted to put things into it that would keep it burning.
When I reached my goal, I was stronger, my skin was clearer, and as a result of my more active and healthy lifestyle, I became a bit slimmer too.
Now, when my family members make comments about my weight, it’s easier for me to deflect them because I know how well I am living. I could out-run any of them.
If you choose an active life goal, focusing on it might help get your mind off of how you think you look. It’s a great feeling knowing that you’re treating your body well.
I hope this helps you, dear. And remember, you have a fiance who thinks your a stunner! Don’t hesitate to ask him what he likes about your physique. I did that once, during a low period, and my then-fiance had a great time talking about the parts of me that turned him on. It was surprising – things I initially didn’t like about myself were actually turn-ons for him! It’s a huge confidence boost.
Best of luck!
Post # 16
Wow. I’m so sorry that your mother is so unsuportive. Let me tell you, she’s being a jerk and I am angry for you. I was obese my entire life until my mid-20s when I was a “healthy” weight for the first time in my life. I can say, I am not more special, beautiful, worthy of my mother’s love now than I was then. I would be just as funny, charming and loved by my finace at 250# as I am at 150#. You deserve to have a wedding for you and the people who love you for you.