Not sure I want to get married anymore…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
22 posts
Newbee

 

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waitingtoolongbee :  I went through the same thing with my guy. Waited and waited and was at the point of just giving up. It was very difficult for me to watch other couples that had been together FAR less time than we had been get engaged, married, have babies. It seemed like everyone was moving forward but I was stuck running in place.

I was in the same spot as you, I loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to lose him. I knew that he would do it, but the delays had me frustrated and resentful, and there was a point in time when I did not know if I could wait and remain a sane person. I did though, and he finally proposed, and it was perfect. It truly was like all of the resentment and bad feelings that I was harboring vanished, and I am very happily planning my wedding with a man who is very excited about it. 

So, do you think it’s possible that you’re just having a moment and feeling really frustrated? Do you think that if he proposed within the next year like he says, your feelings will change?

Not all that much changes when you get married, but if you’re planning on having kids at some point, would you rather be married? Or, are you okay with just being together?

Don’t let feelings from the past dictate your future.

Post # 17
Member
6206 posts
Bee Keeper

My father got his Ph.D when he was in his 20s, married with 2 kids. I don’t understand the need to complete multiple events in your life before marriage – at the expense of hurting the one you supposedly love. It’s great to wait until you’re entirely self-sufficient, but beyond that the reality is you’re gambling with your fertility, assuming you want children and that you want to be married before having them. 

waitingtoolongbee :  Right now I would just stop thinking about engagement and stop discussing it. You’ve discussed it ad nauseum at this point. Tell him that you’ll talk about it when he proposes and the fact is he has not proposed yet. Why worry about something he hasn’t even done? He very well may be the type of man who enjoys talking about something more than actually doing it.

Post # 18
Member
3024 posts
Sugar bee

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waitingtoolongbee :  If you’re fine with or without marriage by had longed for it before when he wasn’t ready, and he is now ready and wanting marriage, why not just get married? You don’t have to have a big to-do. There are benefits to marriage, especially before having children, and you’ve already said he’s 100% the one you want for your lifelong partner. I think at this point you’re biting off your nose to spite your face. 

Post # 19
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

Is he always incapable of understanding or recognizing your feelings even when you explain them?  That could be something to work on in couples therapy. 

I agree with the PP’s who think you have bottled up your resentment all these years, and it’s become a hill you can’t climb anymore to see to the other side.  It might be that, now he’s talking about engagement, you feel more in control of the situation, rather than being left waiting around for him to complete all his goals before making marriage to YOU his goal, so you feel mentally more free to say how you really feel.  It’s really difficult to get past a boatload of resentment if he can’t acknowledge that his behavior contributed to it.  But so does yours.  You’ve kept quiet about it until now, so he might be feeling blind-sided that you’ve been building resentment each day that he put your future on hold and you had no say in it.

Post # 20
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

My take is slightly different. I think you’re protecting yourself by not wanting marriage anymore, because you know the relationship can’t recover if after all these years you let yourself be excited about it again and then you get let down again. I think at this point you’re going to need to feel 10000% secure that he will definitely propose before you’ll let yourself warm to the idea. 

I’m also going to chime in and say I’m also in a challenging PhD program and I got married during it. I planned my wedding with little assistance during an extremely busy period of my program, and it was fine. In fact, I think it helped me keep my priorities in focus. Heck, if RBG could be at the top of her class in law school and be on the Harvard law review while raising small kids and taking care of her husband, no one else really has an excuse. 

Post # 21
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This is such a great problem to have. He doesn’t get why you might not want to be married because he’s a little emotionally stunted and you don’t know if you want marriage because you don’t want anything to change. If you go to counsellingtogether about this, he’ll finally have a script to understand your feelings on this. Then he might not make a similar mistake again in the future. the two of you might also try to find ways to change your negative associations with marriage with a counsellors help and either get married or decide that your relationship will be fine without! And because you know you want to be with him and marriage isn’t a dealbreaker, you’ll be setting up the ideal situation for the both of you either way. Unless of course, he decides that marriage is a dealbreaker for him and you’re still very against it.

Post # 22
Member
6206 posts
Bee Keeper

I probably didn’t explain myself well. You’ve been waiting for years for a proposal that hasn’t come. Now your boyfriend has finished his Ph.D and you’re understandably concerned that he’s nit going to propose. So you tell youraelf that you don’t care anymore about marriage. This way when/if he doesn’t propose you will be insulated from the hurt.

Well it doesn’t work that way. I don’t believe for one minute that you are not sure you want to get married – and neither do you, deep down. Be honest with yourself. 

Post # 25
Member
1539 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for the update, Bee. Glad you are at peace with your decision.

If you do decide against marriage, but your partner continues to push the benefits of marriage, you could probably draft a cohabitation agreement that would guarantee you the same rights as a married couple (or close to).

Post # 26
Member
562 posts
Busy bee

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minnewanka‘s suggestion is a good halfway point. Also domestic partnership, depending on where you are. And if your boyfriend’s need for marriage becomes more urgent down the line (probably repeating what some bees have said earlier), a marriage doesn’t have to equal a wedding. It can just be a fun field trip to the courthouse followed by cocktails 🙂 .

Glad you’ve gotten to the bottom of some things and that you’re doing what’s right for you! 

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