Post # 1
I’m not even sure where to start but I have to start somewhere. I feel like my marriage is over and parts of me wants it to be over. My husband and I have had a lot of financial troubles since we tied the knot we have gone to counseling etc etc but it seems to make things worse. He has a car payment he really can’t afford and so I’ve had to pay it for him and then I’m broke. I only make about 100.00 more than him a month but I also don’t have a car payment my car is paid for. I’m also constantly getting shorted or bills grocery money etc and wind up having to put it on my credit cards now I’m 2000 in debt trying to help him and he doesnt get my fustration. We’ve talked about managing money etc but he gets angry so I leave alone until something big happens then I blow up. He has been constantly saying since our honey moon that he shouldn’t have relocated etc and this is his issue . I’m truly lost and this is only some of it he sleeps in his cats room more than our bed unless he wants sex and gets upset if I don’t want to. I rarely if ever have company if my brother and his fiance come over to Justhe to talk after church or my parents come over he stays in room with cat until they leave honestly he is always with cats 85 percent of the time we’re home. He dosent eat dinner with us at the table he eats in the room. With the cats and Im irritated by it all I feel like I’ve lost myself with him. His mom has a house that he lived in prior and I feel he really just wants to go home but at this time with the debt I’ve incurred with him I now can’t afford to live on my own til I pay my credit card debt please help I need insight
Post # 2
Based on the relationship you’ve described (he hides in the cat’s room when your family is over?! He eats dinner with the cats instead of you?! You’ve gone into debt paying his bills and he gets angry when you discuss money management?) it doesn’t sound like there is much here worth salvaging. You say you’ve already tried counseling and it didn’t help, so at this point I don’t think there’s much choice but to leave before you get mired deeper into this. Stop paying his bills and get a lawyer.
Post # 3
Considering you are having to cover his bills, perhaps you should be in charge of whatever account he is payed in to if he can’t manage his money, perhaps having to go to you for his money might make him wise up on needing to be more careful about it all. As for the other stuff, he sounds like he needs a kick up the bum.
Post # 4
Send him back home to Mom and find yourself a gainfully employed roommate or look for a more affordable place to rent.
Post # 5
Sorry it’s working out like this. Several questions for you to think over
Was he like this before you got married? Where is all his money going if he is spending yours as well? Could he be developing a mental health disorder that is resulting in his hiding himself away from everyone (low to mid twenties is a common time for this to happen). Do you talk about him to your parents so that he might not feel comfortable around them? Did you live together before you got married or is this whole thing ‘new’ and more adjustment is needed?
I’m of the mindset that there is very little people should get divorced over, but they also should be extremely careful before getting married. In this situation I’d probably suck it up for the time being and realize it is what I signed up for (assuming this wasn’t anything new) and try to find strategies to improve the situation. If he really is developing a disorder (and I mean one a doctor diagnoses, not some online whatever) then I would expect him to get help and stick around; if he refused, I’d leave. If it’s just the finances that are creating a big stress on your life that is spilling over into attitude, sex, etc, then I’d start working with a financial planner; husband would be on board or I’d be out of there as well. So basically, he either starts helping with the situation, consistently, or yes, I’d bail on this marriage. You are his wife, not his mother.
Post # 6
Thanks for all the feedback @skunktastic to answer your 1st question I’m thinking he was like this when we first met, I didn’t pay attention to the signs because when we first met I actually lived in his state away from my family so my family only came and visited like once a year so he was always polite etc and he would always talk with my older brother and father etc etc. We were actually only together a couple of years and then decided to separate. At that time I never met any of his family only spoke to his dad over the phone never met his mom until after we got engaged. His siblings and cousins he grew up with he does not talk to at all. When we were prev. together I thought initially he was somewhat just focused on me a little too much (controlling) which is why we originally broke up and separated for 5 years and then we decided to give it another go and we both realized we needed to do some maturing. Fast forward 5 yrs. later, we dated long distance for over a year and then decided we wanted to be together forever and decided to get married. However it was not until he moved to where we now reside and things are coming out bit by bit. At first he would talk to my friends and their spouses promised we could go out on double dates etc and just do more than what we did prev. because it was a strain but we went on one double date with a coworker and their spouse and never have been out again. We rarely go out (dinner) ourselves due to the financial issues. He told me about a uncle he has that lived in the house he resided in but he stated his uncle was unable to care for house which is why his mom let him move in etc etc long story short he said his uncle is not a recluse and had to be moved to a home due to his issues. I’m not a Dr and I don’t know if that is hereditary or not but the he does carry those type traits. His only communication with the outside world besides work is the internet. So I dunno. I’m not sure how to approach any subject at this point because he takes it as a jab and then its a BIG argument and he says he needs to just go back home which is truly frustration. To answer your other question I have recently been reaching out to my mom more just to figure out what to do. She loves him and says I need to pray and she has been praying and she thinks I need to get back into church and take him with me. But we went when he first got here and he has excuses any other time and unfortunately I just stopped myself. I guess I’m getting tired I dunno. I feel that I want to fight for my marriage but then I feel Like I’m the only one fighting and he just doesn’t want to be here.
Post # 7
You may be right. I just feel like a failure 2nd marraiage and no success. My first husband, I left because he cheated cont. and with my current husband it seems now he’s in more of a relationship with his cats than me this is just crazy I feel like im in the twilight zone but I should have paid more attention to the clues instead of thinking of a happily ever after.
Post # 8
I guess I’m scared not because of the debt I incurred if I didnt have to pay off the cc I would be fine but with this hanging over my head Im scared.
Post # 9
It seems like you have 2 very different issues here, which may or may not be related.
First, the financial aspect: Was he paying rent when he lived in his uncle’s house? Is he now helping pay the rent/mortgate on your current home? What is he spending his money on if you’re not going out to eat at restaurants, going out with friends, or any other entertainment/recreational activities and you’re paying for his car? I’d tackle this matter first. Write down your take-home income, all monthly bills (cars, insurance, house, etc.) and then a general number for things like groceries, gas, etc. You absolutely should have a household budget; both parties should stick to it and communicate openly about any adjustments.
Second, the continual withdrawal: I would suggest a trip to a physician for him to check out any potential physical and/or mental health issues. He could be retreating because he is uncomfortable about the financial troubles. Or it could be a host of other things (depression, anxiety, etc.). Then head to couples counseling together to work on communication skills and compromises.
I agree. If all else fails (or it’s just not worth it to try with him), send him back to his mother and find yourself a roommate.
Good luck, bee. I hope you are able to work toward a satisfactory resolution.
Post # 10
I would give it all you have before leaving, I know you were long distance previously but there still must have been something you loved about him, you must have had fun together or you surely wouldn’t have married him? Try couples counselling, date nights, try living apart for a while? Best wishes for you.
Post # 11
I feel that most problems are solvable (unless they involve another woman), because I would much rather have your set of problems right now! But I digress…
Try to work with a third party… financial planner, marriage counselor, attend some couples getaways together, etc. etc.
If he refuses to own up to his faults and does not show ANY sign of improvement, then I am sorry that you will have to move on. But hopefully, you don’t have to. It takes a lot of work and sometimes the burden is on one person’s shoulder. It isn’t fair, but there are ways to make it fair and even. But if the other person refuses to do their part then the marriage is not existing anyway.