Not sure I want to stay married and it's only been a year

posted 2 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 2
2763 posts
Sugar bee

Based on the relationship you’ve described (he hides in the cat’s room when your family is over?! He eats dinner with the cats instead of you?! You’ve gone into debt paying his bills and he gets angry when you discuss money management?) it doesn’t sound like there is much here worth salvaging. You say you’ve already tried counseling and it didn’t help, so at this point I don’t think there’s much choice but to leave before you get mired deeper into this. Stop paying his bills and get a lawyer. 

Post # 3
37 posts

Considering you are having to cover his bills, perhaps you should be in charge of whatever account he is payed in to if he can’t manage his money, perhaps having to go to you for his money might make him wise up on needing to be more careful about it all. As for the other stuff, he sounds like he needs a kick up the bum.

Post # 4
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
ewilli18 :  

Send him back home to Mom and find yourself a gainfully employed roommate or look for a more affordable place to rent.

Post # 5
6921 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Sorry it’s working out like this.  Several questions for you to think over

Was he like this before you got married?  Where is all his money going if he is spending yours as well?  Could he be developing a mental health disorder that is resulting in his hiding himself away from everyone (low to mid twenties is a common time for this to happen).  Do you talk about him to your parents so that he might not feel comfortable around them?  Did you live together before you got married or is this whole thing ‘new’ and more adjustment is needed?

I’m of the mindset that there is very little people should get divorced over, but they also should be extremely careful before getting married.  In this situation I’d probably suck it up for the time being and realize it is what I signed up for (assuming this wasn’t anything new) and try to find strategies to improve the situation.  If he really is developing a disorder (and I mean one a doctor diagnoses, not some online whatever) then I would expect him to get help and stick around; if he refused, I’d leave.  If it’s just the finances that are creating a big stress on your life that is spilling over into attitude, sex, etc, then I’d start working with a financial planner; husband would be on board or I’d be out of there as well.  So basically, he either starts helping with the situation, consistently, or yes, I’d bail on this marriage.  You are his wife, not his mother.

Post # 9
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
ewilli18 :  It seems like you have 2 very different issues here, which may or may not be related. 

First, the financial aspect: Was he paying rent when he lived in his uncle’s house? Is he now helping pay the rent/mortgate on your current home? What is he spending his money on if you’re not going out to eat at restaurants, going out with friends, or any other entertainment/recreational activities and you’re paying for his car? I’d tackle this matter first. Write down your take-home income, all monthly bills (cars, insurance, house, etc.) and then a general number for things like groceries, gas, etc. You absolutely should have a household budget; both parties should stick to it and communicate openly about any adjustments. 

Second, the continual withdrawal: I would suggest a trip to a physician for him to check out any potential physical and/or mental health issues. He could be retreating because he is uncomfortable about the financial troubles. Or it could be a host of other things (depression, anxiety, etc.). Then head to couples counseling together to work on communication skills and compromises.  


View original reply
sassy411 :  I agree. If all else fails (or it’s just not worth it to try with him), send him back to his mother and find yourself a roommate. 

Good luck, bee. I hope you are able to work toward a satisfactory resolution.

Post # 10
43 posts
  • Wedding: June 2019

I would give it all you have before leaving, I know you were long distance previously but there still must have been something you loved about him, you must have had fun together or you surely wouldn’t have married him? Try couples counselling, date nights, try living apart for a while? Best wishes for you.

Post # 11
771 posts
Busy bee


I feel that most problems are solvable (unless they involve another woman), because I would much rather have your set of problems right now! But I digress…

Try to work with a third party… financial planner, marriage counselor, attend some couples getaways together, etc. etc.

If he refuses to own up to his faults and does not show ANY sign of improvement, then I am sorry that you will have to move on. But hopefully, you don’t have to. It takes a lot of work and sometimes the burden is on one person’s shoulder. It isn’t fair, but there are ways to make it fair and even. But if the other person refuses to do their part then the marriage is not existing anyway.

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