(Closed) FI family hates us/me, cutting off? :( LONG!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
64 posts
Worker bee

@whammy:  My first response is that you need a stiff drink or two. I sure do after reading that post. 

It has to be hard to deal with people who seem detemined to destroy you and your love. I can understand why you are so upset about the whole thing. I hope that it hasn’t completely ruined your wedding experience. 

I would suggest that, considering your Fiance is willing to cut out his parents, you should trial it for a while. Make it clear to him that if he starts to feel resentment towards you or the marriage you are trying to build, then he should reconnect with his parents. However, it sounds like he fully understands that they are toxic people and those are the kind of people you DO NOT need in your life.

Post # 4
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh. I have never been a believer that blood is thicker than water. I have some really horrible relatives who I don’t consider to be family at all, and I have some really great friends who may as well be related to me. So no, I will not say ‘keep trying and never give up on family.” If your Future Mother-In-Law is threatening to slap you then I would certainly not associate with her. Usually the complicated part would be if your FI was against cutting them out, but it doesn’t sound like he is at all. It seems that you’ve exhausted all the avenues you could and I think it says something that you guys have held out this long.

I would cut ties with them, at least temporarily, and see how things play out. Hopefully this would relieve some of your stress too πŸ™

Post # 5
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@FuzzyBunnyB:  I totally agree. I’m normally one of the people that doesn’t like to give up on family, but you really take the cake for crazy in-laws! If your fiance is happy with it, then I think a trial separation would be a good idea. Just keep in mind that the in-laws may not allow a trial away from them and refuse to speak to you ever again – it doesn’t sound like it would be a huge loss, but it may happen.

As long as the two of you think about all the possible ramifications of cutting them out of your lives, I think you’ll be fine.

Post # 6
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yikes – i am so sorry you are dealing with this literal pile of garbage. thank goodness you and your fi are such a united team! 

before sending out your invites i would seriously consider if you still WANT the wedding. is it going to give them 92072 ways to attack you/bother you/manipulate others not to go/give a present/give a godawful toast? 

obviously since you’ve sent out std’s its tricky. but you could go to route of sending everyone a ‘we’re downsizing the wedding, thanks for understanding’ card and then redraw the borders of the ‘new’ wedding with only those who you truly want to invite and celebrate with. 

now that might create more drama, but it seems awful that they’ve ruined your engagement period; i would hate for them (or their cronies) to put a damper on your wedding. 

i’d think long and hard over possibly downsizing to your friends and family who are truly supportive and will celebrate your day the way you and your fi deserve. 

Post # 7
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

What a disaster!  Kudos to you guys for getting counseling and wanting a healthy relationship.

The one thing I want to share with you is this:  I think you would be crazier than a bat to accept a dime from them towards this wedding.  Money can bring control – especially if they sign any of the contracts with any vendors.  They sign – they have complete control of that vendor and there is nothing you can do about it.

Decline any money from them and have the wedding you can afford.   Stand united, invite everyone you sent an STD to, and the chips fall where they may.  In the end you will have a good idea of who you can trust in  his family and who you need to cut out of your lives.

Please be very careful about accepting ANY money from them at all.  Can’t you just see them pulling some last minute stunt to show you who is boss?

Post # 8
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First off, I am sending huge hugs your way. I have never been one to believe that “blood is thicker than water”, not ever. Of course, this is coming from a girl who has completely cut off all communication to her family. My mother has numerous mental illnesses that she refuses to take medication for, my father an abusive jerk, and my brothers are…well that’s a whole other story. 

It sounds like if your Fiance is willing to cut them out, give it a shot and see where it goes. You should never have poisonous people in your life, be it family or friends. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally, and it sounds as though his parents are bound and determined to put some sort of a weird wedge in your lives. The last thing that you guys need is someone who is trying to cause drama in the beginning of your marriage intentionally.

I wouldn’t accept any money from them at all, don’t risk “owing” them anything, even if they offer to give it as a gift. Hell, my hubby and I eloped, why not consider doing that or a very intimate wedding? Having no guests eliminated so much stress, and allowed us to spend a weekend together on the coast that we wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise. 

Post # 10
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow.  I am so sorry.  I cannot even imagine the level of frustration and pain this is causing you and your Fiance.  I am so glad you’ve been working with a counselor…that family seems too crazy to face without one!  I really hope this works out for you in the end!  It’s clear that you and your Fiance are good people, and you do not deserve this kind of treatment…

Post # 11
7385 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I was tired from reading that. F them. Good for you both choosing to set boundries. 

Post # 12
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@whammy:  i feel terrible for you, especially since i’m in a somewhat similar situation, except that the family causing the problems is my own. it is the hardest and most horrible thing, but you and your fiance are sticking together and getting through it staying strong, which is the thing that matters most. 

Post # 14
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

i would stop talking to them about the wedding. when they are verbally abusive in person with you walk away and leave. When they are verbally abusive on the phone hang up. Don’t expect apologies because they aren’t going to give them. Just disengage and give them limited involvement in your lives. I would still invite all the guests who you sent save the dates to. A wedding isn’t a good place to cut a family off. Wait until after or else the rest of the family is going to demonize you.

Post # 15
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Cut em out! These people are toxic and have been fucking with and fucking up their kids for years – if your fiance is willing to cut them out, I agree to trial it, with the understanding that if HE wants to resume contact he can, but you never will. And if having kids is a possibility, have boundaries set up for that too. Since you are fully cut off from his parents no matter what, your kids will never see them on holidays or birthdays. Given their level of crazy, I’d advocate any kids never seeing them period, but that depends on your fiance. But don’t feel bad about cutting them out. All they are doing is bringing pain and drama into your lives with nothing good and no remorse.

Post # 16
27 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

Whatever happens don’t sink to his family’s level. Send the family friends a note saying: Though we are disappointed you can’t attend our wedding, we understand your reasons.

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