(Closed) Not sure if he cheated or whats going on

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@bunnyfoofoo: I agree but disagree.

My SO before my husband believed I was cheating on him (totally incorrect) and that exact quote was my defense – “you don’t trust me and you’re being paranoid”

Sometimes it’s true, sometimes it’s not.

 

Post # 33
Member
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think that the OP is aware that it’s not a great thing that she’s checking her SO’s e-mails. Let’s cut her some slack there, as that’s really not what she’s questioning.

To happyb, I am really sorry that you are going through this. When it comes down to it, what do you want? Do you want to try to move past this as a couple? If so, you need to sit down with him and have a major talk. Tell your guy what you told us.

Don’t let him lie to you. You’re not stupid. Try to get everything out in the open. Tell him that at this point, you care more that he is honest than you care about what the truth really is.

And then once you know the truth, you two should try to decide where to go from here. Can the relationship be salvaged? And if so, how can you go forward and rebuild trust?

I wish I had answers, but it’s so personal based on your relationship. Good luck and we’re here for you!

Post # 35
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with trusting your gut on this. Both situations you mentioned with the ex and craigslist seem sketchy. I would proceed with caution, continue to be aware of his behavior and how he acts. When he says you don’t trust me and so on, don’t let that keep you from confronting him- he is trying to keep from having to truly answer you. It is like deflecting the situation and kinda trying to blame it on you for not trusting him. Well with what is going on- you are justified in not trusting him. 

you have to be able to understand where each other are coming from and be able to talk about the underlying issues in order to get past this and make sure what his motives were

Post # 36
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@happyb:  E-mails don’t magically appear in outboxes, particularly not in response to specific cragislist ads. 

I would strongly advise against moving in with him until you’re sure he’s what you want and can give you what you need to be happy in a long term relationship. 

You can want a relationship to work with ever fiber of your being, but if the other person won’t pull his weight it’s just not going to happen.

And he’s right, you don’t trust him.  But with good reason.  Reluctance to place blind faith in a person who has shown himself to be capable of deception is not a character flaw.

Post # 37
Member
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@happyb: Ugh. This makes me so heartsick for you. Especially if you’re talking marriage and major life-commitment, I feel like this stuff needs to be worked out sooner rather than later.

You know your SO. It seems like you can tell when he’s being honest with you. Try to make him feel as comfortable talking to you as possible. I read somewhere once that men hide things sometimes because we as women punish them when they tell us something we don’t want to hear. And I am totally honest of that—even if it’s just something little, I’ll sometimes pout, which causes my Fiance to feel bad, and then maybe next time he thinks twice about what he tells me. Does that make sense?

I’m not saying to let him off the hook. But just try to make it clear to him that you want to know the truth, even if it hurts you. That he can talk to you. That you want to know what he’s thinking and feeling just as much as you want him to know what you’re thinking and feeling. And I would hope that being honest with each other like that would bridge some of the gaps that have popped up between you two and you can together find a way to heal.

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