Post # 1
Hi Bees.. would love advice. I was married for 17 years and he cheated and left me now is married to a woman 15 years younger.
ive now with an amazing man. He’s my best friends brother and I’ve been doing long distance for 2.5 years now. He’s wonderful with my kids. They are younger than his.. he has his youngest who is 15. We’ve spoken about him moving states to be with me and it’s hopeful going to be end of year.. he goes back and forth.
Thing is… I adore him and would give anything to be his wife but I feel he’s cautious. His ex took $300 grand from the account and was engaged a week later to a body builder.. he didn’t see. It coming.
ive brought it up he has said he doesn’t want to be rushed but he does want a wife but ‘one day’ so I’ve dropped the subject. When he is here he does everything for me with my home. He owns his own place we have seperate money which suits me.
im not sure what else to say. I’m 47 now but I want this with him so much I’ve told him I am more than happy to sign a prenup. But I am not sure if he will ever be ready due to what she did.
Post # 2
After 2.5 years, it’s okay to simply ask him. “Do you think marriage is going to be in our future?” It’s the only way to know for sure.
Post # 3
xiexie : I have asked that and he has said one day… that’s all though..
Post # 4
He told you, one day and I would take him at his word and assume he means it, so no he is not to hurt. Though it is helpful to know if the future to him means 3 or 15 years or if he even knows. The two of you really havnt been together long.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying, “I know you go back and forth about moving. I love and adore you and love how well you take care of me and how you are with the kids. And I of course see us forever and you as my husband someday. What are your concerns about that? Is anything that scares or worries you?” It might be he feels bad moving said 15 year old before they complete high school, it could be all sorts of things. Don’t assume, ask.
If it’s the financial aspect of what she did is what he worries about. Have separate accounts and a joint account that only has enough for your joint monthly bills and sign a prenup that you cant have his retirement.
Really you won’t know how to address his concerns or if he even has any till you know what they are. It sounds like the two of you have a great thing going and just coming out of 17+ year relationships I see no need to rush into marriage. As H always says, we have the rest of our lives together, thers no need to rush. I would assume you wouldn’t get engaged till after he was living in the same state as you.. so I feel like there are still some steps to go through before marriage. But really you have to ask yourself if this man is committed to you and envisions and wants forever how important is is to push getting married soon. It takes time to heal and process betrayal and hurt after failed marriages.
Post # 5
Then you need to continue the conversation. Explain what you need to feel secure and talk about a timeline. If he’s not willing to commit to that right now, then at least you know that.
Post # 6
Pretty much every adult who has been divorced, which is 40-50% of the adults who have been married (US stats) have been terribly hurt.
The majority remarry.
What is he doing to work through this trauma? Is he in therapy?
Bee, I’m skeptical. We hear this excuse constantly around here.
In a healthy, adult relationship, goals are part of your ongoing discussions. Obviously, *one day* is not an acceptable timeline for you. It’s on you to insist on a better one that makes you both happy.
Open, direct, authentic discussion is what’s missing here. If he can’t give you a firm timeline that syncs with yours, you may need to revisit the relationship.
Post # 7
“He May have been too hurt before” oh how nauseating.
If he is not over his past he wouldn’t/shouldn’t be in a relationship then.
Are you too hurt from your ex cheating on you to want to marry him? No. People who find someone who blows them out of them water usually don’t run away from a future with that person, whether it’s moving in together, marriage, or even just committing to an exclusive relationship.
Stop making excuses for him. He said “one day” after being with you for 2.5 years so I’d take that to mean “never.”
Post # 8
He never said, “He May have been too hurt before”
It’s on OP to find out what, not in a rush but one day, means. Maybe he is thinking engagement around the time he moves, we don’t know cause she hasn’t asked. We don’t even know if he has any concerns or hold ups.
Currently, he has said he does see getting married again and does see them getting married but doesn’t want to rush and plans to move to her at the end of the year. Moving your whole life when you own a home and have a career at 50ish with a 15 year old and child custody arrangements and all that, doesn’t happen in a day.
Post # 9
elodie2019 : I never said HE said that. OP did. I don’t like that OP is so quick to make excuses for him
I agree that OP needs to have a more thorough discussion about their future, as it seems that everything is up in the air and OP isn’t going to get any answers by speculating and wondering instead of communicating directly.
I think it’s a bad sign that he says “one day” …if he never wants to remarry that’s fair enough. But I’d hope he would tell OP that directly. And if he does really want to remarry OP needs to get clear on what exactly “one day” means after 2.5 years of long distance.
and I think the “scarred by an ex so can’t possibly risk it again” is an overused copout so I don’t like OP throwing that out there. But that’s just my opinion