(Closed) Not sure if I even want to get married anymore.

posted 7 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
Member
1814 posts
Buzzing bee

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sapphire88:  

Well I am sorry that is never an easy situation to be in especially since it seems like you are fully invested in spending your life with him. However too be honest the way in which he has asked you and approached the proposal/marriage shows he does not value that a wedding is important to you just that he is going through the motions to get you to stop bringing it up. 

Marriage is a huge commitment and while I feel you are 100% I don’t think he is. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I was in a similar situation and I realized while my ex said it was just because it was “a piece of paper” it was really because he couldn’t handle the extreme comittment that comes with it, he could just walk away at any time with no legality. It was hard to get past but now I am with a wonderful man who wants to spend his life with me and celebrate it with marriage because he wants to not because I convinced him. 

Marriage doesn’t work for everyone nor does everyone need a wedding but you and your SO need to both feel the same about whatever path you take or you risk grudges and regret. 

Post # 3
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Don’t marry him. It sounds like he doesn’t value marriage in the way that you do, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t want to do it just “for the benefits”.

Post # 4
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

Dang girl.  I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.  It sounds like for him marriage is just about financial benefits rather than the whole kit and kaboodle.  

I’ll be honest, I would tread with caution with this one.  I know that my Fiance wanted a small ceremony/event when we started, but he also understood the hugeness of the committment.  If your FI/boyfriend thinks that this is just a piece of paper, what will he think when it comes to rocky times or conflict?

Post # 5
Member
8514 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well, first of all, a dude’s desire to have a big wedding doesn’t necessarily mean he loves his Fiance more than the next dude that doesn’t want a big fancy wedding. Just putting that out on the table. I want to go to the courthouse some afternoon and sign papers, doesn’t mean I don’t think my Fiance is my lobster.

But in any case, you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about this. Figure out if he’s feeling like this because (a) he honestly just isn’t into the whole “wedding” thing but is 110% committed to the MARRIAGE thing with YOU or (b) he just isn’t sure about marriage/isn’t sure about you.

If (a), you can explain to him how much a big/traditional wedding means to you and the two of you can maybe work out some compromise. If (b), well, then you have bigger issues to work on.

Post # 6
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee

You clearly are not on the same page about what a wedding/marriage means to you. His way of seeing it is not wrong (quite frankly I do see it mostly that way, too), but it’s important that you discuss your views. After all, if there is a misunderstanding about the ”symbol” of the wedding, what else in your relationship might not be on the same page at all ? 

Have you discussed your plans for the future ? What do you wish to build together as a couple ? What are your values ? What is important and non negotiable in a relationship ? 

Love is one thing, but love won’t get a relationship far (as strange at it sounds) : projects and plans for the future, common goals and values, partnership will. That’s what makes marriages last. Many people (including myself) have walked out of a marriage or relationship, not because they didn’t love their partner anymore, but because they didn’t share anything in common at the end. It’s important you make sure you both seek the same lifestyle and share the same goals and values. 

You two do not sound ready for marriage yet, there is so much you need to discuss before you take that next big step.

Post # 8
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Train station ceremony / Hilton reception

I don’t know you guys and your relationship very well, so I hate to give opinions that could shake your life . . . but the guy sounds like an asshole.

 

Guys, in general, seem to get pissed off and aggressive when it’s not needed. My fi gets mad at me over things sometimes when I really wish we could just sit down and talk things over in a calm, loving way.

<br />It sounds like he won’t even let you communicate without lashing out at you.  My fi isn’t very romantic and, when he first proposed, was thinking we could just get married really fast and had already picked out a mediocre venue with his parents.  It all came on pretty fast.  I said, “I really want a real wedding with a dress and flowers and everything.”  It meant a lot to me, and he knew that, and he didn’t fight me on it.  We would’ve been married last fall if we had done his plan, and now we’re not getting married until this June — but at least I get to have a real wedding like I’ve always wanted.

 

He is kindof passive about many of the decisions but still asked to see the invitations before I picked one and still cares about little things like his outfit and stuff.

 

If your guy wants you to be happy, it just seems like he could be a little more gentle with you when you’re trying to express your feelings.

 

I say you should stay with him if you really love him, but I wouldn’t marry him.  It’s not worth the “benefits” if he’s that apathetic and quick to anger.

Post # 9
Member
8514 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sapphire88:  My advice still stands. You have to figure out if what’s he’s saying is actually true and he wants to commit to you forever or if it’s just lip service and there are deeper issues.

Some people don’t see a wedding or actually legally getting married as a monumental turning point in their relationship. This article is a good example of that: http://thebillfold.com/2013/01/getting-married-but-without-the-wedding/

Based on what your Fiance is saying, maybe he’s just that kind of person. But maybe he is just saying this to keep you off his back and is having doubts. That’s what you need to figure out. Don’t take what he’s saying at face value. Try to dig deeper.

Post # 10
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Agree with 

View original reply
TheGridMonster: While we’ve been socially conditioned to lump feelings of marriage and a wedding together they are NOT the same thing. Your guy could be wanting to be married without being excited about the wedding. Conversely, how many woman do you know that have wanted the big wedding but are so-so on actually being married? If that’s your guy’s case the case then simply plan whatever will be meaningful for you (cuz the wedding is also important for YOU) and have the marriage that you want. If this isn’t the case and you both disagree on what you want in a wedding AND what you want in a marriage then it’d be time to reevaluate the relationship. 

Post # 11
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

A wedding will come and go in a day, but a marriage can last a lifetime.  I think if you are having doubts about getting married over the ceremony aspect then perhaps reevaluate your feelings for your SO.  Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, but sometimes people get so caught up in a wedding they lose focus on what is really important.  If marriage was never important to him and now he wants to get married that means he truly loves you.

Post # 12
Member
8490 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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sapphire88:  Maybe this isn’t as bad as it first seems. It sounds to me like he’s been upfront about his opinion from the get-go. He’s not saying “it’s just a piece of paper so I’m not going to do it.” To me it sounds like he’s saying “I feel I’m fully committed to you already so to me, marriage is just a piece of paper, but because it means a lot to you, I’ll do it.” Has he ever been married before? If so, then I might question his commitment. That could indicate that he’s willing to get the “piece of paper” for any girlfriend who bugs him enough. But if he’s never been willing to do it before, I think that shows that deep down, it’s not really just a piece of paper. At some level, he recognizes that it does mean something. Are you comfortable with his level of commitment? Do you trust/believe that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? If not, there’s a big problem. But if you do believe that, what if you adjust your perspective a bit and try to see the wedding planning as a brief, temporary step that he’s just not excited about, whereas the marriage — spending your lives together as a committed loving unit — is the long-term permanent result that he IS excited about? Maybe that would help you enjoy the planning a bit more?

Post # 13
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think his lack of enthusiasm indicates he doesn’t love you, or you’re not “The One”.  Please don’t compare your relationship to his friends.  Does he make you feel valued, appreciated, important, and loved in other ways? Is he often willing to do things he doesn’t want to do, just because it makes you happy? If he can do these things on a regular, day-to-day basis, then I don’t think this is a big deal.

It’s fair to ask “I’d like you to be happy about buying me a ring because it makes me so happy” but it’s definitely not fair to ask “I’d like to you be happy about buying me a ring because if you aren’t, it means you don’t love me”.  

FWIW, I think a lot of guys leap in to the hoopla of a big fancy wedding and giant diamond rings who are flippant and unserious about marriage.  The two aren’t necessarily related.  

Post # 14
Member
45 posts
Newbee

 

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TheGridMonster:  +100

It sounds like he’s willing to compromise and do something he doesn’t feel strongly about because it’s important to you. As long as you see yourselves having a happy marriage together then I wouldn’t worry about it too much. My fiance is a little similar, he keeps telling me he’s more excited about the honeymoon than he is about the wedding because “we live together and we’re practically married anyway.” My opinion is that it’s not a huge deal that he’s not excited about the wedding as long as he’s excited about the marriage.

Post # 15
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

Personally and I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but, the way I see it is the reason he is getting so angry is probably because he does want to make you happy and I feel that he does want to marry you but just doesn’t see what all the hoopla of a wedding and rings is about, I mean he’s a dude of course they don’t get excited about shiny things and dresses. 

Hell my Fiance only got me a ring because he knows that they’re like the only jewelry I actually wear and when he propsed and we started discussing wedding plans we’ve decided just go sign the papers like your Fiance wants to do and just have a kick ass party after the fact Where I’ll be wearing a short white dress.

I agree with TheGridMonster though if you’re feeling insecure just calmly ask him if it’s the actual marriage that he’s not excited about or if it’s just the wedding, again I personally think it’s just about the wedding. But then again I’m not at all that girly where weddings are concerned so maybe I just don’t get it.

 

EDIT: just so you know when I said about the ring I didn’t mean my e-ring just to be clear. My point is men just don’t think of stuff like that!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by BetchyBride.

The topic ‘Not sure if I even want to get married anymore.’ is closed to new replies.

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