Post # 17
@MissJuicy: I think that what you have done so far is sufficient! My girls have been sort of involved, and I am getting them a little more of a gift, but if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about getting anything else. (Mine are also paying $1,000 + to travel to my destination wedding – they are also taking off a ton of work!)
And not only because they haven’t been involved, but because with all of the other things you need to worry about doing, what you’ve done so far for them is enough!
Don’t sweat it!
Post # 18
@RunsWithBears: + 1
I can see your point of view. I have always cared about etiquette, but I was raised to do so. In my mind, however, I have never faulted someone for seeking to learn social graces specifically for their wedding. I applaud that. To me, the wedding books you mentioned exist because some people, although they may have always cared about etiquette, may not have ever been blessed to be educated in social graces. Such individuals see their wedding as good reason to seek self improvement in the area of etiquette and social graces, often because they do not want to offend their in-laws-to-be. They want to blend their families successfully without unintentionally offending someone along the way. When two families come together, that can involve the blending of different religious, ethnic, economic, and social backgrounds. That can be tough.
Also, etiquette improvement for a wedding is no different than many of the other self improvement tasks some women undertake like losing weight, bleaching their teeth, taking dance lessons, etc. Many see their wedding as the start of a new chapter in their life, and they want to start that chapter as the best version of themselves that they can possibly be.
Post # 20
As someone in your boat, who has repeatedly reached out to my bridesmaids for various things and been brushed off, rejected, or outright ignored, I would normally say skip it… but since they’re family, I think your hands are tied.
I have 2 bridesmaids and 2 MoHs. One of the bridesmaids has been awesome – she paid for her own attire, has offered to do my makeup, and has been helping me out with a lot of little stuff. The other three (one of whom is the MoH and my best friend) have done, quite literally, nothing. Didn’t pay for their dresses, can’t get them to answer messages, texts, meet me in person, nothing. I haven’t even seen one of them since November! She was scheduled to come to a meeting the rest of the party was having to go over details and she cancelled less than an hour before. Certainly not feeling the love here.
I told them all well ahead of time that I would pay for their dresses, and they could pay me back. If they didn’t pay me back, they wouldn’t get a gift. Fiancé are paying for almost the whole thing by ourselves and we can’t afford to keep throwing cash at everyone. So, I’m just not giving them gifts. I’ll give the one girl who did pay and has been helping me out her gift in private (she’s not close with the others so it’s not like she’ll go rubbing it in their faces), and the only thing the others will get is a ‘thanks’.
Post # 21
@MissJuicy: Hmm…I’m sorry your bridesmaids didn’t reach your unrealistic expectations, but since you payed for their hair amd makeup and dresses, I don’t think you need to buy them anything else.
Just remember that they’re bms amd not slaves and that they don’t actually have to do anything but show up on the day and be supportive. Don’t be mad at them because they’re not going above and beyond. Like you said, you were the one who chose to have ‘that type of wedding’ so now you have to deal with that.
Post # 22
@MissJuicy: just get them something small
Post # 23
Thank you everyone for the responses. Y’all HAVE made me realize that I should simply be thankful for them standing up beside me on my wedding day, and for that I am going to get them all the gifts I originally planned on getting. So my question is answered. <p>
But I’m just wondering why y’all think my expectations are unrealistic? I never mentioned, asked for, or expected any party or shower, those were offered to me by the 2 girls I mentioned (which, by the way, the latter 3 girls aren’t attending, which is fine with me). I am not expecting them to get their hair or make-up done professionally, I just offered to pay for their hair IF they wanted to do so (to take the stress off of them. Plus I figured since some of them obviously couldn’t afford to buy their own dress they couldn’t afford to pay for their own hair so I wanted to be nice). One of my original BMs is overweight (who since dropped out due to her weight insecurity) and I knew that she wouldn’t feel comfortable in just any dress, so I had told the girls they could choose whatever dress they wanted as long as it was in the color I chose. Even though there was a Vera Wang bridesmaid dress I fell in love with, I knew that was a bit higher priced and not everyone would feel comfortable in it, so I feel like that was selfless of me. I did tell them Fiance and I are paying for the entire shindig ourselves so it would help out if they’d pay for their own dresses, and they all agreed. I guess the thing that really made me second guess getting them gifts is how rude I find it when they ignore me when I’m trying to plan the hair trials, etc. I already have enough stress on myself so it doesn’t help when I get ignored about something so simple. Plus I wanted to see if y’all thought I had gotten them a big enough gift with the hangers and hair. But anyways, just thought I’d defend myself because I think a lot of you judged me without knowing some of the details. Thanks!
Post # 24
It sounds to me like you’re already getting them two gifts (the hanger and the pajames– good idea by the way!), so you’re fine.
A lot of my bridesmaids haven’t been involved in my wedding at all, despite being invited/asked to be, so don’t feel bad, I think it’s normal. (?)