Post # 1
OK so here goes another delima that I’m trying to figure out… It’s about the guest list
We have the guest list finalized, all but one person… My dad… I don’t know if I’m inviting him…
To make a super long story as short as possible my mom and dad split when I was two. When My mom left my dad picked up smoking crack and has been smoking ever since. Our visits with him were either great or horrific. He was either really nice and giving and fun or did things no child should ever experience.
And in my new found faith I’ve been working on forgiveness. I had such bad anger toward him for so long but I can feel the anger sizzling away. Now I feel pitty for him. His teeth have all fallen out, he’s lost over 1/2 his weight, and when I saw him last it was like he was ashamed for me to see him like that and he wouldn’t talk to me unless I initiated the conversation. His home is like something you would see in Texas chainsaw massacre mixed with an extreme hoarders episode. It’s pittiful and kind of breaks my heart to know he’s going through all of that.
So it leaves me wondering… Should I invite him to the wedding? I don’t know how he would react. He’s extremely religious and I was married briefly before and my ex was so much like my dad that they liked eachother. When my dad met my now Fiance, he didn’t say a word to him and wasn’t giving him the friendliest looks either.
So I don’t know what to do in relation to the wedding. I’m his only daughter, but this is my only wedding ever so I don’t want to risk it being ruined by some cracked out drama by him. At the same time I kind of feel bummed that my own dad wont be there. My uncle is filling in with the dance and walking me down the aisle but I don’t know, should I invite my dad? Would you if this were your wedding?
Post # 3
I understand finding religious forgiveness in your heart, but you don’t mention that he’s stopped smoking crack or that he’s trying to. I don’t think that I would invite him to the wedding. You’ve invited him into your life, and I think that’s more than enough.
Post # 4
@BrandNewBride: Yeah he hasn’t stopped and likely never will. His brothers all have and they are invited, but he hasn’t stopped. He occassionally goes a couple months where he tries to quit but they never last long
Andthank you for your opinion, if I dont invite him your opinion and others alike will help clear my guilt for not inviting him
Post # 5
Only you can decide if you want him at your wedding. I think it’s great that you are able to forgive him, but I don’t think that makes you obligated to invite him if you wouldn’t feel totally comfortable doing so.
Post # 6
@kris325: To me, you don’t sound like you *want* him to come, and that’s whats most important. Honestly, go with your heart- if it’s going to cause you more anguish than you think it’s worth, don’t invite him. If he ever sobers up, he’ll understand your decision, and if he’s not sober anything he says is still in his disease. I give this advice as someone who cut her father off about 6 years ago after realizing that he will NEVER get sober and that it’s just not worth being sad about something I can’t control (needless to say, he won’t be invited to my wedding.)
Post # 7
@bkrocks13: I do and I don’t want him to go.
I don’t want him to come because of the person he became when he started smoking the drugs.
I do want him to go because that little part of me that still feels like a child wishing her daddy would show up to her birthday party. The one who has all these images of the father she should have had.
And I don’t want years down the road when my father passes away, or months down the road with how badly he’s become in the last couple of years, to regret not inviting him and setting up that barrier between us. Although he set it with his drug use, I feel that I should be the bigger person, accept him for who he is and invite him to the wedding.
But I do have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I invite him he could be the only one to ruin the wedding. And I don’t have high standards for the wedding. So long as my fiance and I are married and our loved ones are there. But he seems like he would be the one to shout something in the middle of the ceremony or get all hostile at some point with someone. He might not but you never know how crack users can be, they are very moody.
Post # 8
@kris325: I don’t have any advice, I am just extremely sorry that this is the relationship you have with your father. It isn’t even close to fair and I wish things were different.
Post # 9
Post # 10
Just because you’ve forgiven him doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with him.
Post # 11
It is a very hard decision but you have to go with your instinct. I had a similar situation with my father and made the decision not to invite him. In the end, my wedding was filled with people who loved me and supported me always. I wanted only positive people around me on the day I would start a new chapter of my own. I had some of the same thoughts you did beforehand but I truly know I did the right thing for myself when I look back and think about the amazing energy and love around me that day. Congratulations and good luck.