Post # 1
I’ll try to not let this become a novel, however it might end up being a bit long. Bare with me.
My father is both physically and mentally sick.
Growing up, I have good memories, but also bad memories. For as long as I can remember, he’s always had a very bad temper. I have childhood memories like hiding with my mother and siblings in the bathroom with the door locked, listening to him breaking/ throwing things around the house, or going camping as a family, and something ends up getting him mad, so he takes the vehicle and leaves us all behind to fend for ourselves (we ended up having to call someone to come pick us and our camping gear up and drive us the couple hours back home, as we knew he wasn’t going to return).
The last decade or so, we’ve credited his bad behaviour on his physical illnesses (MS for ~10 years, and just recently being diagnosed with leukemia – which, as far as I know, he is refusing treatment for), however, although he has not been officially diagnosed with a mental illness, we have had two medical professionals (a GP and a Pharmacist) on separate occasions both say they think he has schizophrenia (defined as “a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation”, which is exactly as I would describe him).
To make a (very long) story a bit shorter, there was an incident this past summer with one of my sisters (who is also a bridesmaid) and my father, and she ended up pressing assault charges (a similar incident happened with my brother and my father ~5 years ago. My brother wanted to press charges, but my mother convinced him not to. My brother has not spoken to my father since).
My father has somehow convinced himself that this is all my mothers fault (as he does with every situation where something bad (or something he simply doesn’t agree with) happens. When I got my first tattoo for instance, he got mad at my mother and managed to come up with a reason in his mind to “blame her” for a decision I made on my own). In turn, he has not spoken to my mother (except for the odd time he will yell at her) since the beginning of June (5 months). They live in the same house, and whenever I speak to my mother on the phone, I can tell she is becoming deeply depressed.
The situation has also started to wear on me. My sister that pressed the charges is in my wedding party, and I have a feeling my brother, who lives several provinces away from me, would not attend the wedding if my father comes. I know it would be best if I don’t have my father at the wedding, and yet part of me dreads the thought of not having him there (I can’t explain it – I think maybe it’s something kind of like Stockholm Syndrome. I know he’s a bad person, and yet part of me still cares about him?). It’s creating such a stress on me that I am seriously considering just getting married without having a “wedding”, although I know that’s never how I pictured my wedding either.
i just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, and just needed to vent/ get some words of wisdom.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. The decision lies with you, but remember that your wedding day is supposed to be happy. Would it make you happy to have your father there? Would it make you happy if your siblings are there? Which would make you happier?
Personally, I would recommend not inviting your father. I’d let your mom know that you’re doing this though because he might take it out on her and from what you’ve said he seems physically abusive as well as emotionally.
And after your wedding I think you and your siblings should sit down with your mother and talk to her about what’s going on. Because she is in an abusive relationship and has, at least in the past, been afraid for her physical safety. For her mental and physical health, she should really leave. Being ill is not a license to be an asshole.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I wouldn’t invite him. He sounds like a raging narcissist as well as everything else – mental and physical illness doesn’t excuse abuse and bad behaviour (a sick asshole is still an asshole).
What was the end result of your sister pressing charges? There may be some condition which says he can’t go near her, and who would you rather have there – your bridesmaid sister or your abusive father?
This may strike a chord with you:
A Narcissist’s Prayer
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did…
You deserved it.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t invite him. Are you he has schizophrenia? He sounds more like just an asshole to me. I think you are dreaming of a fairytale wedding with your two parents by your side. You are hoping for something that doesn’t exist. He does not sound like somebody who I would want around me ever and certainly not at a happy event like a wedding.
Post # 5
Why did your mother keep you in that toxic, abusive environment? Why does she choose to stay now? Your siblings did the right thing by cutting him out of their lives, you need to do it too. They are the only famiky you can count on in life now. Your mom proved her loyalty to her husband not her children, keep her at arm’s length.
NO DO NOT INVITE THAT MAN TO YOUR WEDDING!!
Post # 6
dont invite him. and make the decision in your mind now so you have some time to process it and you won’t be upset about it on your big day.
Post # 7
I would absolutely not invite him. What of value would he add by being there? It sounds like his presence will at best only cause tension and upset for you and your siblings; at the worst, your inviting him may well mean that your sister and brother do not attend (in their position I would probably decline in all honesty).
I would suggest you try therapy as the fact you want to invite him/have doubts about inviting demonstrates that your thinking is not rational or healthy, IMO. DWIL may also be helpful.
And I agree with PP that he sounds like a narc to me, not a schizophrenic, and also that regardless of what physical or mental illnesses a person has, an asshole is an asshole, and illness isn’t an excuse.