not sure if I want kids due to disability

posted 8 months ago in No Kids
Post # 17
6658 posts
Bee Keeper

ladyspectrum :  Nobody likes it when they feel as if they don’t have a choice. At the same time, everyone is limited in their options in some way or another. Everyone has limitations. 

A LOT of people choose to not have children for all sorts of reasons. So much so we even have a Board on the Bee for adults who do not want to or cannot have children. Children stress you out because of who you are–you don’t need to add the “disabled” label to that. It’s a valid choice regardless.

Post # 18
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

So… you’ve listed a tonne of reasons why you *don’t* want kids, but haven’t listed any reasons why you do. It’s worth asking the question – is there even a part of you that wants kids, or are you struggling because you feel like you’re supposed to want them? 

Post # 20
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

ladyspectrum :  I think having children would be over stressful for both you and your boyfriend. Especially if it turns out that the baby does turn out to need extra help. Obviously I would not make that choice for you though because it’s your life not mine. But let me give you some breakdowns so you can have more information to help you decide for yourself. 

I would consider first, how would you support it? Let’s pretend you have a normal baby and not one who has special needs too. Who will help you during the first several months when the baby wakes up several times a night and needs food?  Who will help you if you are a slow healer like I was and couldn’t sit or stand without taking heavy pain meds for a month after delivery.

I am relatively mentally healthy other than my anxiety and those first few months were hell for me. I was hallucinating everywhere because I kept having to wake up and couldn’t sleep like I needed to and my poor husband was doing his best to help me even though he works full time at a stressful job. My baby is 10 months and I am just now starting to do much better together and feel more normal.

After that, how will you get it to checkups? Pay for emergency care? Heck how will you pay for diapers and wipes and clothes? I bought my kid simple footed onesies and we have had to buy clothes several times since she was born. Shes 2 pounds heavier than those her age and  close to the length of an 18 month old. This is all expensive. She formula feeds  so we spend 300ish extra a month on her alone between bulk diapers and wipes and her formula and her hygiene supplies like diaper cream and soap. Others may spend more or less but that’s our usual average unless shes needs clothes.

It’s okay to want kids but know it’s not a good idea to have them. It’s also okay to just not want them just because! Children come with a lot of stress and not everyone wants to or is equipped to deal with that.

And if you have your own issues it can make it harder. My mom had mental health issues, including being diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar. Growing up with her was tough. Very tough because she had a hard time just taking care of herself, let alone 3 of us, two of us with their own major issues.  I had to do a lot of the caring for us starting at a very very young age because she just got worse and worse. And honestly? She should’ve stopped at one or had none. I think she would have done better and been so much happier overall. 

Now none of that is to say that you will be a bad mother or any garbage like that. Just trying to give you information so that you can decide what is best for you. Just like I said in the other thread. It’s your life. You only get one. But you should have as much information as possible. 

Post # 22
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

ladyspectrum :  Those feelings sound really tough to deal with and that sucks. It’s not nice feeling like you don’t have the same choices everyone else does or like you’re put in a box in terms of who you are and where your life can go. Those feelings are rational and understandable, but you don’t have to accept that as your reality.

The truth is that you DO have a choice. No one can take that choice away from you. And making a choice that is contrary to what you want and what you feel comfortable with, especially one that is so life altering, is not going to prove anything to anyone.

Should you choose to remain childfree, you’re not admitting defeat or admitting you’re not capable of making the other choice work. It doesn’t have to be a matter of “either it’s wise for me to have kids or it is not”. The truth is that there are particular challenges that you would be faced with as a parent that others aren’t faced with, and it doesn’t mean that you’re not capable or good enough if you decide that those challenges are not something you are willing to face. If you desperately wanted children, I bet you would face those challenges and find ways to make it work for you and your family because when you want something bad enough you make it happen. You’re not admitting weakness or defeat by deciding not to put yourself through added challenges to be able to do something you don’t really want to do in the first place.

When people ask why my fiance and I don’t want kids, there is a laundry list of things we are avoiding by not having them.. fears that we have about how parenthood would turn out for us.. but we didn’t choose to be childfree because of those fears. We chose to be childfree because neither of us wants kids badly enough to feel like it’s worth facing those challenges. 

Post # 24
859 posts
Busy bee

I’m over 40, and never wanted kids. I’ve never had a pregnancy scare. I use a calendar to track my ovulation (the old Catholic method), and my partners have always worn protection. I never took birth control because I’ve never been fond of medication, and possible side effects. Don’t do anything permanent until you give yourself some years to think about it. How you capable feel right now may be completely opposite of how capable you will feel five years from now. 

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