Not sure if I want to get married to him

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I get married?
    Yes : (2 votes)
    2 %
    No : (93 votes)
    98 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    2437 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    crjohni :  100% NO. This is a no brainer. What redeeming quality does he have exactly? 

    Post # 18
    Member
    1051 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    He is a logical person,

    He is a “logical person” who bitches about not getting more housework out of someone who works three jobs, won’t pay attention to their partner, bitches about you a person who works spending money, and does the bare minimum? 

     

    “does small gestures like rubs my hair and cuddles at night,”

    This is basic af. This is just barely above “he is a human.” 

     

    “he’s passionate about helping people and works hard”

    Except when you’re not “allowed” to go out with friends because the house isn’t to his standards. 

    “is caring with our dog,”

    He chose to get a dog, no?

    “more responsible than I am,”

    But, he can’t keep up with housework when he works half as much as the other person. It’s not like it takes 20 hours a week to wash clothes and do dishes. It doesn’t sound like you’re at home enough to dirty the house. 

    “shares his food,”

    Are you not buying groceries?

    “keeps me accountable, loves me for who I am while not worshipping the ground I walk on (which is good),”

    I think you are confusing accountability with random demands. How many hours do you work? Have you gained weight since he met you or is he having retroactive standards? 

    “and really funny.”

    Then watch a comedy. 

     

     

    Most of these are basic human qualities. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    6832 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    crjohni :  You’re setting a really low bar here… 

    Post # 21
    Member
    11109 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    crjohni :  

    You could actually set the bar lower, Bee.  But, that would take up a lot of your time, standing around in front of prisons waiting for guys to come out.

    He’s a logical person.

    As opposed to what? Example, please.

     

    . . . does small gestures like rubs my hair and cuddles at night . . .

    Those are small, all right.

     

    . . . he’s passionate about helping people . . .

    And how does he put this passion into concrete action?  Volunteer work?  What?

     

    . . . is caring with our dog . . .

    Would this be the same dog for whom he fails to do anything beyond opening the door so the dog can go out and potty?

     

    . . . shares his food. . .

    Well, my goodness.  Latch onto this one.  He actually allows you to eat his food? Has the Vatican heard about this?

     

    Bee, what has happened to you in your past that makes you believe that this man is adequate?  Or marriage material?  He’s not even good date material.

    My concern is over your willingness to accept crumbs.  Where is that coming from?  Maybe that’s something that should be explored in therapy.

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    1322 posts
    Bumble bee

    Good lord, OP. So he’s a good guy because he likes music (so do sociopaths) and SHARES HIS FOOD? I’m not even really sure what that means, honestly. And I thought you said he doesn’t show affection unless it’s about sex? But he cuddles and rubs your hair…? 

    You’re back pedaling big time. You wanted us to assure you that he actually IS an okay dude, and when no one told you that, you started to defend him. Okay, so stop defending this jackass and start thinking about what everyone is saying. 

    He’s a douche and not marriage material and you KNOW that–that’s why you came on here to ask strangers if you should get married. So I’ll answer your question: fuck, no, you shouldn’t marry this guy. In fact, you should probably think about ending this relationship; just “good enough” isn’t actually good enough. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1051 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Ok, it might be spread out over three jobs, but less than 50 hours is a regular person amount to work. I’m not giving you a get-out-of-being-a-person-card at home for that. I’d be annoyed at someone who worked a normal amount and perpetually had piles of clothes on the floor. 

    Ok, that’s the impression I got from the first post, but if he’s just upset about the lack of basic human standards then I’m not faulting him. 

    You shouldn’t. He either choose to get a dog or he didn’t. 

    So, you are contributing neither a fair share of resources nor a fair share of labor. I’d be pissed. He is working full time, paying more than half the bills, and doing all the housework. If I was him my question would be, what are you contributing. And holy hell quit taking out loans for vacation when you can’t afford groceries . 

    Affectionate and outgoing are two different things. If you need your partner to be an extrovert, then go out and find an extrovert. But anyone you’re with should be affectionate outside of sex.

    You both need to stop.   

    Post # 24
    Member
    954 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    crjohni :  no agenda? You listed all the negative things about him first!

    I think you two need to see a counselor if you’re going to stick it out.

    Post # 25
    Member
    3450 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    He’s clearly not the guy for you. Marrying him would be a mistake.

    Post # 27
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    Regardless of who should be doing the cleaning or who contributes more to the household, this doesn’t sounds like a happy, healthy relationship. It doesn’t sound remotely like you should marry him, at least not without some serious couples counseling.

    Post # 28
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    crjohni :  He is basic, but I know he isn’t bad.

    If that’s the most affectionate thing you could say about your fiance, you should be packing your bags.

    Why are you with him?  Is that because you think you should be married and he just happened to have a dick and be single?  Can you not afford to live on your own?  

    Post # 29
    Member
    203 posts
    Helper bee

    If you were to start over and look for a new partner, what would be your top five priorities? Does this guy meet all of them? My guess is that sharing his groceries, enjoying music, and lending you money for a trip to Spain would not show up on that list. You’re probably posting here because your Fiance does not fulfill something important to you.

    A lot can change in four years, and my guess is that you either didn’t know exactly what you were looking for four years ago, or that your priorities changed, which is okay; you’re not married yet.

    Post # 30
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee

    So let me get this straight. 

    1. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with you, not actively anyway, because you had to ask him.

    2. He didn’t want to marry you because you had to force him to propose.

    3. You’ve had a “good relationship” because he does the bare minimum to keep you happy and off of his back. 

    4. Isn’t affectionate unless he wants sex, which you don’t want anymore.

    I think the better question is why are you even together? Hell no don’t get married. 

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