(Closed) Not sure if I want to have a family with future husband

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

First and foremost decide do you want children?

Does he want children?

As long as your answers are the same you’ll be fine and the options are limitless. There are many parents that have serious disabilities. The approach may be different but the results can be fantastic. 

Just get on the same page.

Post # 4
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Circumstances are never right.  All you can do is decide what circumstances need to occur for each of you to be comfortable to move forward. If you can’t have obtainable goals for each other/yourselves then there’s your answer

Post # 5
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So you want children, but you’re not comfortable with donor sperm and/or the logistics of co-parenting with someone who has a physical disability. You are perfectly allowed to have those feelings, but you need to very seriously examine them. Do not marry him if that is how you feel; it’s not fair to him. You either want to be with him and all that means for your family, or you don’t.

Post # 6
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

If he wants children and you want children, but you do not want children with him, then that presents a problem.

While raising children might present unique challenges for you as a couple, it’s certainly able to be done. You need to be on the same page to move forward, together or apart. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you if you both want children but you’re unwilling to have them with him. 

Post # 7
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

The two fo you together also constitutes a family to me, I don’t think kids are necessary to call yourself a family. If I were you the same thoughts would cross my mind, as children are a big life change. However, the circumstances are never perfect. Anything can happen at any time and if you both want children and you are confident in the relationship then work with what you have and move forward.  

Post # 8
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
briroll813:  I think the thoughts and feelings you are having surrounding this topic are completely normal and expected for the circumstances. It would be more concerning if you were taking things lightly and not thinking about all of the implications of this big decision. 

It sounds to me like your thought process is going round in circles and I’m not sure any amount of time or over-thinking will get you any closer to a decision in which you are confident – there is no right or wrong decision, but there are benefits and consequences to each. 

Would you consider some couples or family counselling with your partner to discuss this issue? Doing so with the guidance of an expert should help you to distinguish the constructive and important thoughts from the ones that are simply coming from an emotional place, and establish a plan to help you decide how to move forward. You both deserve to figure this out together before you get married. 

Wishing you the very best!

Post # 9
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Backyard

View original reply
briroll813:  If hubby has some sacral nerve roots intact I want to say four or five it is possible for him to ejaculate via reflex, which equals sperm. I don’t know about the viability of the sperm. I would consult his neurologist first. Good luck bee. 

Post # 11
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

View original reply
briroll813:  This is a tough spot to be in 🙁 To me, it sounds like you do want children, but not with him because things will be a lot more difficult. Does it stress you out to think of having children with him, knowing that he may not be able to do everything he could if he were able-bodied? I can’t lie, that would completely overwhelm me.

I probably sound like a terrible person, but I wouldn’t have entered into a relationship with a quadriplegic knowing what kind of lifestyle I want. And neither my husband nor I have tried to have children in the past, but if we had difficulties, I think I’d be open to other options. Now, God forbid, if something happened to my husband before we had children, then I’d certainly stick it out and figure things out from there, and I’m sure we’d have a lot of support from both of our families. But I’ve always wanted children, and I love how great my husband is with our nieces and newphew. I couldn’t compromise on something that’s such a big deal to me. 

Post # 12
Member
1858 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If I were you I would seek counselling to work your way through this and be able to make a decision before you get married. It’s unfair to you and him if you dont. 

Post # 13
Member
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
briroll813:  Are you a member of a support group for carers? I would suggest that you join one and talk to others who have experienced it first hand. We can all wax lyrical about how of course you can do it but the reality is/may be entirely different.

I think it is great that you are stopping to think about the benefits vs complications of bringing a child into your particular family. That is way more than a lot of parents ever do and shows that you are mature and have a goid mindset for a parent.

My close friend is a quadriplegic and he and his wife chose to have a child (via donor). I am not going to lie to you but his wife says it is extremely tough. During the baby and toddler stages most of the physical parenting load was on her but it has gotten better as the child grew and became able to do more for herself. She has said when she has talked about it with me that it was something she understood and was committed to. So I guess if you are unsure if you can commit to being a cargiver for two humans for a long period (because I am sure there are things your partners needs assistance with as well) then you really need to figure out if it is right for you. Maybe talking to a therapist might help.

Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
7705 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You aren’t clear in your post about the reasons you want children, but don’t want them. Is it because he is disabled? Is it because they would not be his biological children? You don’t necessarily have to be clear with us, but you need to be clear with yourself on whether having children not biologically related to your DH and raising them without any physical help is something you are prepared to do. If not, then you need to prioritize: him or having children. No one else can help you decide, but I can admit from where I sit that I would be overwhelmed by the idea. I don’t know if I would be a strong enough person to enter a relationship knowing my spouse was a quadriplegic. I realize that accidents can happen, and we all take that risk, but knowing before the marriage that my spouse would be permanently disabled would be overwhelming to me.

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