Post # 1
I’m getting married in October to a wondeful man. He is low quadriplegic due to a surfing accident when he was 19. He is 34 now. He was married after his injury. During that marriage he and his ex tried to have kids and found out that the spinal cord injury left him unable to father children. He and his ex divorced for other reasons. I want a family however I fear too much on my plate due to being married to someone with a disability and also the fact that we would have to use donor sperm to conceive a child. My FH has expressed the concern over not being able to be the biological father of possible children. Lately, I have gotten into the mood where I don’t feel or want to have a family at all even though in the back mind I want kids. I will be turning 30 next year and I know we have to decide quickly.
Post # 2
First and foremost decide do you want children?
Does he want children?
As long as your answers are the same you’ll be fine and the options are limitless. There are many parents that have serious disabilities. The approach may be different but the results can be fantastic.
Just get on the same page.
Post # 3
He wants children and I said in my post that he and his ex-wife tried to have children. I want children, I just don’t know if our circumstances are right.
Post # 4
Circumstances are never right. All you can do is decide what circumstances need to occur for each of you to be comfortable to move forward. If you can’t have obtainable goals for each other/yourselves then there’s your answer
Post # 5
So you want children, but you’re not comfortable with donor sperm and/or the logistics of co-parenting with someone who has a physical disability. You are perfectly allowed to have those feelings, but you need to very seriously examine them. Do not marry him if that is how you feel; it’s not fair to him. You either want to be with him and all that means for your family, or you don’t.
Post # 6
If he wants children and you want children, but you do not want children with him, then that presents a problem.
While raising children might present unique challenges for you as a couple, it’s certainly able to be done. You need to be on the same page to move forward, together or apart. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you if you both want children but you’re unwilling to have them with him.
Post # 7
The two fo you together also constitutes a family to me, I don’t think kids are necessary to call yourself a family. If I were you the same thoughts would cross my mind, as children are a big life change. However, the circumstances are never perfect. Anything can happen at any time and if you both want children and you are confident in the relationship then work with what you have and move forward.
Post # 8
I think the thoughts and feelings you are having surrounding this topic are completely normal and expected for the circumstances. It would be more concerning if you were taking things lightly and not thinking about all of the implications of this big decision.
It sounds to me like your thought process is going round in circles and I’m not sure any amount of time or over-thinking will get you any closer to a decision in which you are confident – there is no right or wrong decision, but there are benefits and consequences to each.
Would you consider some couples or family counselling with your partner to discuss this issue? Doing so with the guidance of an expert should help you to distinguish the constructive and important thoughts from the ones that are simply coming from an emotional place, and establish a plan to help you decide how to move forward. You both deserve to figure this out together before you get married.
Wishing you the very best!
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2016 - Backyard
If hubby has some sacral nerve roots intact I want to say four or five it is possible for him to ejaculate via reflex, which equals sperm. I don’t know about the viability of the sperm. I would consult his neurologist first. Good luck bee.
Post # 10
In my intial post, I said that my FH found out that he couldn’t father children back when he was married to his ex. He has gone for other opinions from other other doctors and they have all confirmed that he can’t father children.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
This is a tough spot to be in 🙁 To me, it sounds like you do want children, but not with him because things will be a lot more difficult. Does it stress you out to think of having children with him, knowing that he may not be able to do everything he could if he were able-bodied? I can’t lie, that would completely overwhelm me.
I probably sound like a terrible person, but I wouldn’t have entered into a relationship with a quadriplegic knowing what kind of lifestyle I want. And neither my husband nor I have tried to have children in the past, but if we had difficulties, I think I’d be open to other options. Now, God forbid, if something happened to my husband before we had children, then I’d certainly stick it out and figure things out from there, and I’m sure we’d have a lot of support from both of our families. But I’ve always wanted children, and I love how great my husband is with our nieces and newphew. I couldn’t compromise on something that’s such a big deal to me.
Post # 12
If I were you I would seek counselling to work your way through this and be able to make a decision before you get married. It’s unfair to you and him if you dont.
Post # 13
Are you a member of a support group for carers? I would suggest that you join one and talk to others who have experienced it first hand. We can all wax lyrical about how of course you can do it but the reality is/may be entirely different.
I think it is great that you are stopping to think about the benefits vs complications of bringing a child into your particular family. That is way more than a lot of parents ever do and shows that you are mature and have a goid mindset for a parent.
My close friend is a quadriplegic and he and his wife chose to have a child (via donor). I am not going to lie to you but his wife says it is extremely tough. During the baby and toddler stages most of the physical parenting load was on her but it has gotten better as the child grew and became able to do more for herself. She has said when she has talked about it with me that it was something she understood and was committed to. So I guess if you are unsure if you can commit to being a cargiver for two humans for a long period (because I am sure there are things your partners needs assistance with as well) then you really need to figure out if it is right for you. Maybe talking to a therapist might help.
Post # 14
You aren’t clear in your post about the reasons you want children, but don’t want them. Is it because he is disabled? Is it because they would not be his biological children? You don’t necessarily have to be clear with us, but you need to be clear with yourself on whether having children not biologically related to your DH and raising them without any physical help is something you are prepared to do. If not, then you need to prioritize: him or having children. No one else can help you decide, but I can admit from where I sit that I would be overwhelmed by the idea. I don’t know if I would be a strong enough person to enter a relationship knowing my spouse was a quadriplegic. I realize that accidents can happen, and we all take that risk, but knowing before the marriage that my spouse would be permanently disabled would be overwhelming to me.
Post # 15
I’m not in any kind of support group. My future husband is a low level quadriplegic(C7 injury level) meaning that he has good use of his arms and wrists. He is able to mostly take care of myself so I’m not really his caregiver.
If we have kids he would be able to help with some things and a family friend of ours has worked as a nanny and would be willing to help us out. He has expressed concerns over not being the dad who can play certain sports with his or give his kids piggy back rides.